#1
It was a Wednesday night, mid-fall, but it felt more like winter. There was a light drizzle outside and, in all honesty, I expected it to be freezing over. Just one of those things that I thought should have happened, but didn't.

Winter's the worst of the seasons, so naturally I was inside, the door shielding me from the cold and hurt. Little did I know that hurt works it's way from the inside out.

I had my Fender with me in it's shiny black case, using it as an arm rest as I leaned against the wall, trying to look like the punk I wished I could be. I could hear someone coming from downstairs, so I pulled out my phone, pretending to be making a phone call--maybe then I wouldn't look so lonely.

Lonely, is that what I was? Or was I simply self-centered? I'd been called both, and didn't know which was better. Lonely--there's some uncontrollable flaw about me that makes me unwanted, or self-centered--your typical jackass everybody hates because, well, I only think about myself. The thing is, they end in the same destination--leaning against this wall.

It was the preacher coming up those stairs, smiling, "Are you waiting?" he asked. Without returning even the slightest hint at a smile, "Something like that, but if you could excuse me, I have a call."

That's the thing about preachers that pisses me off the most, they're always happy. I had this theory that happiness was made up by men like preachers, made up to block out the cold reality that is so desperately wanting in. So all this "happiness", so far off from every grain of my belief, made me wonder why it was that street corner I chose to play on. Sure, the money was good (it was the wealthy that lived in this area, and my shiny black case seemed to impress them) and sure, the church had heat for times like tonight when the weather was less than satisfactory, but still, a church?

I spend everyday on that corner. And every night I spend in that church lobby, just standing, making those fake phone calls. Right before the preacher leaves he asks, "Are you waiting?" And every time my response is the same. I spend my days pretending I've actually got somewhere to be, someone expecting me, but the preacher has it figured out.

It's just me, and my guitar.

And we're both just waiting, on what, well, we're not sure.
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Oct 27, 2008,
#3
I shall return.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#4
I particularly enjoy prose, and I do like this. Your feeling of isolation comes throught brilliantly. I dont really have any critisism, primarily becasue it is prose and in my opinion that leaves it completely free, no set rules! Isn't that a wonderful thought...
Ill think about it though and if i come up with anything constructive ill be back.
#5
That was definitely the highlight of my readings today. A simple narrative, but well written.

My only problem is that you refer in the first paragraph to it being fall but then in the second paragraph it seems like it is now winter.

I love how it portrays the sense of loneliness of the character.

Good job.

If you have the time, would you mind critting one of my writings in my sig?
#6
Ok, so...

I thought this was very good, loved the idea most of all, but I thought you were a bit too obvious to it. That was literally all there was to the story, and I think a lot of people make this mistake when they have a great idea for an end to a short story. They're so busy building up to the creative genius, they forget to be creative elsewhere.

For example, you could've used more stuff like this:
"Little did I know that hurt works it's way from the inside out." rather than just sentences to move the narrative along.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Abishar, you're right. In the first stanza it says it's fall, but in that same sentence it says it feels like winter. I like fall, but not winter, and it felt like winter. haha i don't know if that made sense or not..but that's just what i was thinking. Thanks for the comments guys.

Break-me-in thanks to you especially. I knew it was missing something, even as i re-read it I could just tell I needed to enhance it in some way. Anyway, I'm working on it, expect them to be edited in soon. Thanks.
#8
Very, very, very good. Good writing for a good read.
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#9
it sounds liek a story nd it is written well i really liek teh use of this person as a sort of representetive for you feelings, uve madde this character very well, but i only have one problem, this sohuld be left as a poem, i think it will make a better poem than a song
#12
I like it better now you've updated it.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#16
It was a Fall Wednesday night, but it felt more like Winter. Just another one of those times I was somewhere I shouldn't have been. There was a little drizzle outside and, in all honesty, I expected it to be freezing over. Just another one of those things that I thought should have happened, but didn't.

A lot of this opening stanza seems unnecessary. If you want to establish the setting then that's fine... It's cold and raining... but the rest of it seems like filler, and doesn't seem to have any bearing on the piece.

Winter's my least favorite season, so naturally I was on the inside, the door shielding me from the cold and hurt. Little did I know that hurt works it's way from the inside out.

You never explain what "hurt" you're talking about. Also, I'm not sure if "little did I know" works here because later on you say that you're in the exact same situation everyday, so you would know wouldn't you? Again, I'm not sure how necessary these lines are.


No real complaints about the rest of it. I generally don't like prose, but this one held my interest once it got going (third stanza).

Good work though.
#17
I really really enjoyed this little touch of prose, and yeah, the feeling of isolatin does come across continuously and consistently throughout, very, very nice indeed, and thanks for the crit on mine, this was really worth the read!!
#19
Thanks for the crit.

"hurt works it's way from the inside out. " is one of my favourite lines throughout the piece, you should try and put more thoughts like that into it, personal revelations.

i like the style, informal and like spoken word.

however, there is lots of undeveloped ideas and unanswered questions left in this piece. what hurt? what else should have happened but didn't? instead of answering those, you seemed to write lots of filler, just moving the story along, easily done in this style.

i didn't really have much of a problem with it, so good job. I'm a pretty cynical and negative person, and this is probably the least criticism I've ever given to a piece on here.

Well Done.

final note, what happened to the crumpled money mentioned in the title? or is it a metaphor for something im not picking up?
Last edited by ginjaninja at Oct 26, 2008,
#20
i wish i had more time, i really do.

i'll just let you know that i read this and genuinely enjoyed it. the flow was fantastic for prose. if i had to say something, i'd probably criticise the use of all the rhetorical questions. they get irritating, and also kind of condescending. i feel like an idiot reading it - that you're trying to make everything very clear so that i can understand it. i'd definitely take those out. but that's just a personal dislike of a certain literary device i suppose.

generally you have a lovely control to your writing. make sure you message me when your next piece is up. i owe you one.
#21
My only complaint about this is the line "on the inside". I think it should just be "inside". ""so naturally i was inside" just seems to flow better. Apart from that, i reall enjoyed it, well done.
#22
ginjaninja--The character in this piece says he plays music on the street corner by the church. normally, at least in my experience, when people give the musicians on the street money it's the crumpled up one dollar bills from the bottom of their pockets. that's where that came from.

kdownes--you were right. I made that adjustment.

Thanks for the crits everyone!