#1
C4C (leave link)


My self esteem is deeper than the Earth’s core,
unreachable as never before;
and I’m in that pre-love phase where I find myself
melting like a clock in Dali’s "Persistence of Memory",
becoming one with the mud; corroding into uncertainty.
You’re leagues in front of me, as people say;
I can’t even swing the bat and you’re already in home-runs.
I think I got stuck due to need, nothing else;
you’re good to my insanity, a needle I never asked for,
but wished for between insomnias and delusions,
in moments where my mind’s wrapped up in confusion...
and this is where I am now.


So, this was written OTS in like, 3 minutes, I think it is so incomplete, but for now, it will remain just this. Thank you for reading
Last edited by seventh_angel at Oct 26, 2008,
#2
I really liked this. You say it seems incomplete. And that it does, but be careful adding on to it. I like the shortness of it, making it too long would be tragic. The first two lines were a great opening. The line "You're in leagues in front of me" I would take out the first "in" it just seems to make more sense/flow better to me that way. Great piece so far. Could you crit my newest? It's in the sig..thanks.
#3
Maybe it's an incomplete picture of the speaker's psyche, but I think it shouldn't be significantly added to in its present form. As a snapshot in poetry, I think it's fine, especially with the ending line tying it so well to a moment in time.

- The line "I think I got stroke do to need" -- maybe I'm just not thinking strait, but it doesn't make sense to me - did you mean struck, or something else entirely?
- The baseball metaphor seems a little dubious to me, taste wise.

I think it might benefit from a little more deliberate structure in syntax - the semi-colon seperation is nice when it terminates in a period - but right now you have one brief sentence in the middle of two much larger ones, but keep using the semi colon. It seems like it might be helpful in keeping the work nice and crisp, but it struck me as slightly confusing. (rereading that, I don't make much sense, sorry, but I think some of the lines just struck me as "run-ons").

As I said before though, I think it's great as a snapshot in time, and it has a killer ending line. Don't change it too much.

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#4
I agree, this is perfect as it is. Much less cliched and unemotional than your previous works and its flows beautifully. Not much of a crit, but I can't think of anything to pick on.
#5
yeah it doesnt even seem bad as a short one. if it were to become added onto id say put the new stuff before it seeing as this last line is my favorite. pretty damn good ots not gonna lie even.

possibly even split this into stanzas and toss in a chorus. wal-ah.

not much of a crit. but not a whole lot i would mess with. if you wanna see mine you can do either story of a young man or worst disease
#8
My self esteem is deeper than the Earth’s core,
unreachable as never before;
and I’m in that pre-love phase where I find myself
melting like a clock in Dali’s "Persistence of Memory",
becoming one with the mud; corroding into uncertainty.
You’re leagues in front of me, as people say;
I can’t even swing the bat and you’re already in home-runs.
I think I got stroke due to need, nothing else;
you’re good to my insanity, a needle I never asked for,
but wished for between insomnias and delusions,
in moments where my mind’s wrapped up in confusion...
and this is where I am now.


I've read a few of your pieces and have even said I thought you were a very promising writer, but this is somewhat of a let down for me. Weird rhyming pattern, if it is a pattern. The constant elaborated references take a lot away from the words, for example, most people know of Dali and especially the melting clocks, so try to integrate the line itself into the piece and hope people are educated enough to realise it, by spelling it out as you do you lose so much.
The 'leagues' 'bat' and 'homerun' lines I really didn't like, from such a precise analogy in Dali, you lower the message of the piece to baseball, shrug, perhaps that's a good thing to some audiences.


'you’re good to my insanity, a needle I never asked for,
but wished for between insomnias and delusions,
in moments where my mind’s wrapped up in confusion...
and this is where I am now.'


This part was OK. I personally found it to be obvious, primarily because of the content but also the word choice. I know it's difficult to say it any other way, but that's what we as writers are/should be able to do, not implying anything there btw. Overall a nice piece, I wouldn't say it is up there with your best, but then again my tastes differ from most here.

peACE
Steve

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