#1
I wrote this piece while high at the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam, so by my own admission it's a bit convoluted. I guess the structuring is in the vein of Cummings, which I tend to do alot, even though I really am not fond of Cummings' poetry oddly enough. That's why I used the code since otherwise the regular post completely ignores most formatting.

*NOTE* you will have to scroll the code window since the whole thing does not fit entirely

movement for the dissolution of ideals

         i'm tired of clever
         sick of writer's wit
There will be no more form
No more forms of form
Explanations in the confines of words
will be scorned
only the paranoid
         schizophrenic
         whimsical
         nonsensical
         nonsequitur
         deus ex machina
         drugsexmachine(i remember one once from a
         vaudeville scene)
and none of it is clever
you can't describe what it means
         Are you on the vanguard, they ask me
         Nay, but I've been
but let
me
ask you:
     have you ever seen a Van Gogh
i mean gotten up to it really close
looked at every gob of thick paint
every mistake and brushstroke
you could cut up that canvas
and still read what he wrote
a slice of humanity
fragile
a rose
no thoughts are given
just look damn it LOOK
The texture, oh the texture!
    (there's pain in those clumps and mounds)
The colors, the colors! 
    (what blues he used
     what greens he found!)
Not clever.
Genius.

We need more men like that around.
Last edited by el57 at Oct 25, 2008,
#2
I love this. I just really like the irony. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but the only criticism I have is that the last 4 lines seemed a little unnecessary and hindered more than they helped. Maybe end it on "Just look, damn it!"
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#3
Glad you like it! I think ending the poem on "Just look, damn it!" is an interesting idea... although it doesn't quite tie the end to beginning as much i think.

Just out of curiosity did you scroll the code window down? because it seems maybe you only thought there were 4 lines after the "look damn it" part.

thanks for the crit though :
#4
blackdotted. i am much too drunk to offer you the crit you deserve right now, so i'll be back to edit in tomorrow morning.

my initial thoughts are that this is a great piece.
#5
Oh shit, yeah, it didn't scroll. I like the closing line you've got now, actually, although the ones I said were weak I still think were.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT