#1
So this song is in a slow balladish, minor chords song. If you've ever heard of a band called "Red" it kinda sounds like something they would do. There's not really any screams in this song except for where bold. And they're not really screams. More like an agony sounding held out. Not like throaty screams, more like a lost scream if that makes any sense. C4C

Veres 1:

Am I still alive
Is my heart still beating
Can you hear my call
And my shallow breathing
Can't see a thing
In agony and pain
Fading fast
And all I can see is you

Chorus:

All I can see is you
There's nothing I can do
Slowly dying
Slowly fading
And I can see you waiting
I reach for you
Save me from myself
Slowly falling
Slowly sinking
My conciousness is blinking

Verse 2:

I'm encased in a tomb
Can you hear my scream
Pour salt in my wound
I wish this were a dream
Don't you even care
About me anymore
Don't you even care
About me

Chorus

Bridge (rap):

Baby can't you see
When it's just you and me
You're stoppin' the show
I don't want you to go
When you're with me here
I'm feelin' realy fly
I want you near
So never say goodbye
You're the one that I love
Baby I know it's true
You're a gift from above
All I can see is you
(repeat)

Chorus x2
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
Last edited by Rockstar729 at Oct 24, 2008,
#2
I don't really see anything bold in the song..?

Anyways, I'll read it and redo this with a proper crit.


Well, is it meant to be somewhat (I don't know the word)
You say "Can't see a thing"
and later "And all I can see is you"


anyways, I don't think it is bad, but it seems kind of typical
I like your plays on the "seeing" thing
(my consciousness is blinking)
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
Last edited by lordofthefood1 at Oct 24, 2008,
#3
Verse 1:

Am I still alive
Is my heart still beating
Can you hear my call
And my shallow breathing
Can't see a thing
In agony and pain
Fading fast
And all I can see is you

Nice I like it so far.
Chorus:

All I can see is you
There's nothing I can do
Slowly dying
Slowly fading
And I can see you waiting
I reach for you
Save me from myself
Slowly falling
Slowly sinking
My conciousness is blinking

This is awesome. I love it.
Verse 2:

I'm encased in a tomb
Can you hear my scream
Pour salt in my wound
I wish this were a dream
Don't you even care
About me anymore
Don't you even care
About me

Pretty good. I can't think of any ways to make it better.
Chorus

Bridge (rap):

Baby can't you see
When it's just you and me
You're stoppin' the show
I don't want you to go
When you're with me here
I'm feelin' realy fly
I want you near
So never say goodbye
You're the one that I love
Baby I know it's true
You're a gift from above
All I can see is you
(repeat)

Nice. I wasn't expecting rap in it. It changes the pace nicely.
Chorus x2

---------------------------------
Ok, so overall, I think you did an excelent job. I love the band red, and I can picture them doing this song. It seems kind of like you wrote this to the beat of the song pieces. At least, that's the beat I had in my mind when I read it.

I looked on your profile, and it looks like you like a lot of the bands I like. I'll edit this later with some other bands you may want to take a look at.

EDIT:
12 Stones: christian rock band. The have 3 cds out, and I own all of them. They are an awesome band.

Disciple: they might have been on your list. Anyways, they're kind of between rock and metal. They put on an awesome live show. I have two of their cds.

Falling up: Their best cds are dawn escapes and crashings. They have kind of a techno-rock style.

Flipsyde: An awesome rap group. If you like the flobots, you'll like them.

Kutless: was probably on your list. If they weren't, they should be.

Pillar: see above statement.

Seventh Day Slumber: An awesome band. Best cd is finally awake.

Thousand foot krutch: Another awesome band that was probably on your list. Best cds are the art of breaking and the flame in all of us.

Decyfer Down: A band that uses seven string guitars in all their songs. Only one cd from them so far called End Of Grey. They have a couple of slow songs, but mainly fast paced rock.

That's all I can think of so far. Sorry if some of them were on your list. Hope I helped you find some good bands.

Last edited by --LP-- at Oct 25, 2008,
#4
I actually like this as well. When I saw the title I was really expecting something cheesy i could rip on, but truthfully the only real complaint i have with this is the line:

"I'm feelin really fly"

Honestly, I laughed when I read it. It just totally ruined the mood. I know you were trying to find a rhyme for "goodbye" but there's a better way out there than "I'm feelin really fly" could you crit my latest? it's in the sig..
#5
Thanks Cyclones411. I actually wrote this song when I was 11 (I'm 14 now) and it's my only song from that era I still like. I wrote it riding in the car and it came brutally honest after falling for a girl (I know, at 11 rite?)
--LP-- None of the bands you had were on my list, but Seventh Day Slumber, Pillar, and Thousand Foot Krutch I like. I'll have to check the others out!
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]