#1
not meant to be taken too seriously. c4c. ots.


we walked a couple blocks down the street
in hopes of finding something worth while.
we thought of all the things we said we'd do but never did
and all the things we did but never said.
reflected about things that (never) mattered.
i looked at my feet and checked the hour.
oh syncopation!
we got to the center of town;
and by we i mean my shadow and i

we bought some cheap tequila
"that'll be 5 dollars"
i handed over a twenty and with an even cheaper smile
said "thank you" and proceed with my expedition.

i wasn't planning on drinking,
just wanted to feel that burning
down my throat and onto my insides:
the same feeling i felt when i met her
and she met me.
anything.

i opened the bottle, smelled it, took a few sips from it
felt good. 
a couple more 
and then, finally passed it
			    down
				 to
				    yo 
		                       [I]CRAAASH![/I]
		    - it shattered.

"shit! how am i suppose to finish the story now?"
Last edited by cubs at Oct 25, 2008,
#2
If it's not meant to be taken seriously..

I liked the imagery. It'd be nice if you didn't come out and directly say that you were talking about a shadow. 3rd stanza was the best, IMO.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
thanks mate.
as for the shadow part, it doesn't really bother me. I know that it is blunt and all, but i thought it was okay. i might change it though, i'll have to wait and see what other people think.
anything you'd want me to crit for you?
#5
It's minor really not anything to be picky about.
I forgot to mention that I really did like this, btw.


You can take a grab at the link at my sig but it's really not necessary
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
This was ok. As you said, not something to be taken too seriously, its simply a little story, with a small bit of sentiment stuck behind it.

I didn't like the formatting. Just let the piece speak; theres not enough use of the format to warrant the code box (to me). The part that did use it was just gimmicky. I don't know, this plodded along nicely, had some decent points, but some of the description just took me outside of the flow. Like "an even cheaper smile," that doesn't further the point anymore... we aren't even sure why you are buying tequilla so why would we know why this makes you smile? stuff like that just sort of pulled me out of the story too much.


Beyond that, the last line makes me hate the narrator... it makes me look at him as a hopeless alcoholic; because it reminds me of my grandfather and how if he ran out of beer he wouldn't finish his story until I brought him a new one. That's probably just something personal though.

I just never really got into this too much; it never pulled me in or made me care that I was reading it... so it wasn't bad or bitter; it just wasn't sweet either.

-zC