#1
Something personal. It's not me, it is me.


Hereditary

When that first leaf falls
from the weeping willow,
we both look at one another,
wink and welcome the coming of the winter;
at least that’s what he thought.
I, however, would wait with baited breath
for the day that first bud opened,
at which point I’d walk outside and
pick up the tools that we put down
the day we knew autumn had come.
Through the summer we would
measure, cut and put together
anything my Mother wished for,
he would teach me what each tool did,
its name and often where it came from,
as if it was a foreigner indebted
to his hand for its guiding touch.
It is only now, some years on,
I wish I could remember every weekend
we spent underneath that willow tree,
but sadly, as the case may be,
a memory is not as perfect as we’d like,
so I pack the band-saws, the ball-
peen hammer and the screws into
the bag he took to work for many years,
and head off to the market to
barter with some traders with
the few memories of my father
I still have, in the solemn hope that
shiny new tools will keep my son’s
attention as much as these did mine.


Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#2
your writing is so.....professional.
it's like a fine cigar in room full of tight wads.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
when i read this, i think of something written by someone who has been writing and published for many years. It is the epitamy of what poetry writing is. I can not find fault with this at all.
#6
"as the case may be" stood out as feeling odd. i didn't like the internal rhyming. it felt cheap and dampened the... well, the appearance of the writing as overwhelmingly considered.

the fiddling around with pronouns at the start irritated me also. "we both", "at least that's what he", "i, however". i thought it was pretty clumsily communicated. i guess it was intentional, but i really disliked it. the "however" sounds ridiculous.

those were just things that felt like lapses in what really was a pretty faultless read.
#7
This reminds me of studying Seamus Heaney and his poems about his respect for his Dad's work ethics. My brilliant teacher used to force it on us - in a good way - persuade us to pour over his material until all the ideas and metaphors were ripe to eat.
Being honest though, this isn't entirely my sort of thing anymore. It used to be, certainly, but my tastes have changed quite a bit. That said, this has brought me back to my old 'routes' and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It was quite a delight to reminisce in older times. It suited the piece really nicely.
Sorry I don't have anything constructive to add. I have failed you once again.
#8
As much as you pissed me off sometimes with the ridiculousness of how your writing was always hanging above me, I've missed you.

I like this.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
this has the distinct feel of autumn.
hey, maybe we should hold an autumn comp.

/prick


lots of intimate moments.
the projection of carrying on a tradition for another generation ties this up nicely.
Meadows
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#10
Something personal. It's not me, it is me.


Hereditary

When that first leaf falls
from the weeping willow,
we both look at one another,
wink and welcome the coming of the winter;
at least that’s what he thought.
I, however, would wait with baited breath
for the day that first bud opened,
at which point I’d walk outside and
pick up the tools that we put down
the day we knew autumn had come.
Through the summer we would
measure, cut and put together
anything my Mother wished for,
he would teach me what each tool did,


From there, when I realised it was about your father, I was crying...

You're incredible. Just... wow.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#11
This is just so flawless Steve, and much easier to read than most of your pieces. I had already read it before but just didn't leave my mark because everyone said what I thought.

Even though you rarely post, it's always a joy to read such amazing material.
#12
Thank you everyone! I was scared about posting such personal work, but these replies make me a hell of a lot more confident about posting them.

I'm working my way through critiques.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#13
I know I promised you a good crit on this, but I don't think I can find enough wrong with this to make up a good crit. This was beautiful and wonderfully intimate, and aside from a sometimes spotty flow (and even that's just nitpicking), it's just excellent. Struck a particular chord with me as well, because I've recently been considering the nature of my relationship with my father. I fully appreciate and admire your talent as a more technically-inclined writer, but I beg you to stick with the personal stuff, it hits on a much more primal and moving level. Great work here, and I'll try and catch your next piece with a little more input and criticism than I've given on this one.