#1
I keep writing, and it just gets weirder. c4c.

"Nineteen"
I plotted.
Angular light. Shades at night.
"You fucking loser, I love you."
Each earthworm was born to
Squirm on the losing end of a hook.
"But I need you."

I've found that midnight tastes like fine wine
Served in coffee mugs. It's home,
But you've never felt more alone.

"I watched you exhale, arms placed
Loosely across your chest. I saw your
Flames burn out, each day your head
Turned inside out. I know what you're thinking.
That's why you'll remember this night.
It'll be the last you ever spend with me.
Your last work, Love Incomplete.
You lit the match, but never felt the heat.
It's just for the best, my love."

I counted my steps as I left.
#2
i don't know, i usually like your work, but i found i could not connect with this at all. I hated how the first paragraph interjected itself. It felt lke there was a battle between the words, they didn't breathe or flow. The second stanza was fine until you rhymed, especially considered it was a really cliched rhyme. The third stanza just didn't make sense, especially considering it was supposedly speach. And the last line just felt hollow.

That's all I can say. Not a fan of this one. Oh well
#3
This was OK. I did enjoy it, but the above post has the problems nailed down pretty tight. It's well worth looking at again and reorganizing it. A new structure to the words would improve the flow and allow this to breathe more clearly.
There are a few excellent lines and ideas in here, they just need tying together better to accomplish the 'task'.

Digitally Clean
#4
"Nineteen"


I plotted.
Angular light. Shades at night.
"You ****ing loser, I love you."
Each earthworm was born to
Squirm on the losing end of a hook.
"But I need you."

Aye, weirder, but not in a bad way. I kept reading 'every' in place of 'each' it seems more precise to compliment the 'plotting'. I wasn't a fan of 'losing', however I guess it's more a reference to 'nice guys always finish last', and the other end is where you tie the knot. Ha, I love the image even more I've thought about it.

I've found that midnight tastes like fine wine
Served in coffee mugs. It's home,
But you've never felt more alone.

Nothing to say, I love the image and can picture it perfectly.

"I watched you exhale, arms placed
Loosely across your chest. I saw your
Flames burn out, each day your head
Turned inside out. I know what you're thinking.
That's why you'll remember this night.
It'll be the last you ever spend with me.
Your last work, Love Incomplete.
You lit the match, but never felt the heat.
It's just for the best, my love."

I counted my steps as I left.

I think this stanza needs to be organised a little better, the ideas are all over the place, and the quite original 'inside out/thinking' image is lost within the segments. The final lines of the stanza felt too expansive imo, I see the link in 'match/flames' but couldn't you have said that sooner? While I like the ending, I feel cheated that I don't know why, or really what is going on, and sadly in this case it means a good piece is ended on an slightly negative note, still a nice piece.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Always a pleasure to read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
I've found that midnight tastes like fine wine
Served in coffee mugs. It's home,
But you've never felt more alone.

^gorgeous.

Everything else felt superfluous. It was just too much even for me... it was stuck in a strange limbo between abstract/surreal and tangible... and it was just too lukewarm for me.


EDIT: If you feel like it, I'd still like more thoughts on "Baby Yak" in my sig. My other two have been done to death.
#8
Quote by bbenman
interesting

C4C crit There was light




Best crit ever.


Anyway, thanks everyone else for all words good or bad. I know this was one of the most ambiguous and incomprehensible pieces I've ever written, so I definitely understand and accept the criticisms. Steve, I must owe you more crits than I can count on all my appendages. I see you've got a piece up and you have my word that I'll at least lay down a decent comment on it. Anyone else wants me to hit anything back, just pop back in and edit in a link. I'll check this at least a couple more times over the next few days.