#1
the brideandgroom
floating up to the church (on a cloud)
their big day

and outside
(the rain shattered against the earth)
the rain knows veracity
knows the brideandgroom

and the rain smells distinctly
of the brides perfume.
#2
I already commented on your blog spost aying why I liked this and i'll just comment to say that i think the last two lines are just class!

still don't like the brackets though, oh well
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#3
Well, it's short. And I'm sure you know this, but bride and groom are three seperate words. Maybe add more to it. Now it just doesn't seem to flow or have a point. Could be good if you added to it.
#4
It's short. But it works that way. I agree with what meh! said about the parentheses. I'm not a fan of them, maybe I'm not looking deep enough, but they just don't seem to add anything, so they actually end up taking away.. Also last two lines=brilliant. That's all I have to say about that. I enjoyed reading this a lot though. I know this wasn't that great of a crit, but I didn't have much to say really..if you've got the time could you crit my latest? it's in my sig. If not, I understand.
#5
^ I don't think you have this right, gov'ner. I actually believe the best part of this to be its lack of prominent instincts and perogative, it just free roams around the countryside for no apparant reason. But it's not pointlessly aimless; each word has a beautiful picture and image behind it, allowing you to create whatever analogies and ideas you fancy. I crave writing like this.

Digitally Clean
#6
I don't know. It just seems to me that the parentheses being there tripped me up, and ruined the mood of the piece..I just felt that the lines in parentheses would be better received if they were on their own. But this isn't really my strong area, so angrygoldfish probably knows more about what he's talking about. That's just what I thought when I read it through.
#7
the bride is having an affair. the parenthesis allow me to switch from present to past tense.
#8
. 'shattered' shows that it's in the past tense and 'knows' shows that it's stopped, surely? eh, I just don't get it, haha.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#9
dear Spiderman,
the last couplet is amazing.
...so is the piece as a whole, but the last two lines just stood out with an incredible vigor for a reaction.

yours truly,
Octavius.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
yup
last two lines pack quite a punch

i love this whole piece. it's short. it's simple. but it's incredibly powerful. it just creates all sort of surreal images to me.

as for the parentheses... and this business about an affair...? maybe; I don't really see that as much. but i usually like to read poetry for the aesthetics and the poignancy, i'm not good shakes at interpretation as much. if there's a hidden meaning here, and others can see into it, kudos even more. because as i said before the aesthetics are there.

care to crit mine?
clicky clicky
#11
I'm running out of phrases to let you know how much I love your work.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
I like this a lot.

I love that brideandgroom is one word, and it ends with the bride being mentioned by herself, at the ruin of trust. I am very glad that you didnt come out and say that the bride was unfaithful in the poem itself; the implied image is very well done, and as everyone mentioned before, the last two lines provide a powerful and concise reveal.

The only thing that I think could be tweaked is the transition between these two lines:
'the rain knows veracity
knows the brideandgroom'
While I like that it's short and the repetition of 'knows' is important, the flow is a little odd.
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& alaskan_ninja

#13
I think you're really starting to cement your style of writing now, Alex. This free-flowing style. Reading your work reminds me of a visit to an art exhibit. It's just one beautiful picture after the other, somehow tied together. You know what I think anyways. Keep writing!
#14
Obviously, most aspects of this poem have been well covered in earlier posts, and so I'll just briefly say, like many others, the last couplet is fantastic (especially the groom/perfume deal). As far as the 'brideandgroom' shenanigans go, no real opinion. It looks fine in a poem, but sort of stands out as the only obvious visual play.

My main criticism is the line "the rain shattered against the earth". The description doesn't strike me as particularly fitting (although that is probably just taste) and the fact it is the only line in past-tense makes it rankle a little more than it other wise would.

but, as I'm sure everyone agrees, great stuff.
I hate to turn this into a plug, but perhaps you could visit my recent and utterly neglected piece:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=984107
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