#1
Hm... I was just kinda messing around and decided to write a song... I only got through the first verse, prechorus, and chorus. Lemme know what ya think so far?

A bleeding shower
knives for breakfast
It only hurts
if I let it...
Swollen fists
glassy eyes
It only hurts
when I cry...
No more pain
lack of smiles
It only hurts
for awhile...
Hope is one thing
I can't seize
It only hurts
When I breathe...

Lack of sleep
lack of touch
Lack of knowing
is all too much...
For me...
For me...
For me!

At last, you and I will bind
Integrity..
Conspiracy...
It can't take much to leave this all behind
Relegate...
Contemplate...
No recollection yet it's still in my mind
Outspoken...
Fortoken...
The one who knows all is still trying to find
The meaning of Life
#2
Wow. Not the single most powerful or upsetting song I've ever read, but I do like it a lot. I like your choice of words during the chorus. They're certainly different from what I'm used to hearing. I like the rhyme scheme during the verse, and that it never really gets too wordy.
#3
too tired to do a full crit, but here goes:

the first verse is really cliche, and after the first 8 or so lines i was tempted to close the page. but i read on and was glad.

try to stay away from "pain, knives, crying. hurt"

however behind that there were some great ideas. my favourites being
Swollen fists
glassy eyes,
lack of smiles,
Hope is one thing
I can't seize
It only hurts (dont like that line here, hurt)
When I breathe...

next bit is good, feels a bit under developed and unthought out. i like how a lakc of something can be too much.
i dont like the repeated "for me", but perhaps in the context of a song might be more bareable.


this last section is a lot better compared to the other two, the rhyme scheme here is a bit love or hate, and i love it. good vocabualry too, i wasnt excepting this after reading the previous two sections. however i dont see you being able to do this again in a second verse (guessing this is the verse). try and prove me wrong. i hope you do.

last point, your constant use of elipses annoys me. it makes me think that you are trailing out into silence after saying it. say everything.

try thinking about expanding the ones in the last section. compare with this version and see what you like better.

in conclusion, good, lots to sort out. i ouwld like to see this back on here in a few days/weeks/months with the whole thing done, thought about, and polished till it shines.

okay that was kinda a full crit. sorry.

i would do C4C but i dont have anything up here yet. just remember, you owe me.

im tired, so i apologize for the lack of grammar and maybe a few typing errors. and maybe nothing i said was coherent.

have a good night.

EDIT: i think ive been a bit too negative on this, and i dont think ive read youre piece right. think about expanding on all the points youve made. i like the last two lines how the one who knows all is still trying to find out what the meaning of life is. im wondering who is this, why are they thinking this, whats happened, ect. answer some questions that your writing leaves in its wake, but leave enough unanswered for it to be thought about, for example dont say the conclusion this person (God?) comes to. but i tihnk you sorted that with the title of your piece.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Oct 25, 2008,
#4
really good id recommend that the repeated "for me" could be lowered just to one where you say for meeeeeeee (just sing the me part long) my English isn't that good but i think you will understand what i just said
#5
don't listen to ginjaninja
he wrote a very long review and it sucks

this is a great song
your use of rhyme is very well used
this is the kind of song that i would listen to

it could use a little more length but don't change any of the lyrics you already hae
#6
Actually, Ginjaninja had some valid points... thanks for the crit all of you, it's greatly appriciated... I'll do c4c when I get a chance
#8
It's hard to add more than ginjaninja. I mostly agree with his crit. I have a problem with
"Outspoken...Fortoken..." as it seems forced.
#9
I can see how this seems forced, but what do you suggest I replace it with? I tried playing around with it a little but without completely altering the song, I can't find something that would fit.
#10
Well I liked a few parts of the first verse, and some parts like "pain, knives, bleeding" I really didn't like and seemed really clichéd. The second part I liked, but the repetition of "For Me" is something of interested. If you can pull it off with awesome vocals (When I read it it reminded me of Bohemian Rhapsody, if you know the part) but if not it could sound forced and out of place.

The last section was again good, and with the rhyming scheme I think the same applies as before, the vocals will either make or break it.

Overall, good job.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#11
Thanks everyone for your crit. A lot of you said that pain/knives/bleeding are all cliche, and I'm trying to find ways to replace those. So thanks! And also, SurviveTheCrash, get a life perhaps? Thanks.