#1
My Sister Won’t go Swimming Because of her Stretch Marks

My sister won’t go swimming, her
stretch marks are tearing her apart,
turning red lightning bolts into tattoos without any history.
She has dreams of dams and Dutch kids without thumbs,
oceans that have nowhere to flow but down
empty valleys and
into bathtubs,
drowning while the
glamorous disquiet pleads for company.

She’s fifteen and beautiful.

Stepping back from the doorway in the local leisure centre,
I see straight through her waterproof makeup:
‘Showers full of boys and girls,
sexual innuendo coveted by bikinis and Speedos .’
Glancing down to her thighs,
she grimaces, twice.
I push her gently forward,
remembering to smile patiently.

I’m back twelve years ago:
My mother is tempting me to try out the deep end.
I keep saying no,
pointlessly reminding how bloody deep it is.
It’s different, though;
I’m now the one behind the encouragement.

She steps on my toes and quickly forces out a sorry.
I tell her it doesn’t matter.

The water is warm.
The air is muffled.
The vision is dead.
Everything is OK.

No one can see her legs when she’s underwater.


Digitally Clean
#2
"She steps on my toes and quickly forces out a sorry.
I tell her it doesn’t matter."

this was a really touching piece of writing. that's mostly down to the idea, admittedly, which is really tremendous, but it's harder to carry out a good idea well than it is a mediocre one and i genuinely like this.

i'll probably be back to point out the few problems i had, but generally this was fantastic.
#3
Very nice. I love the narrative aspect of the song. The last line was my favorite, actually.

My only thought is that you could try to be a bit more laconic.

There were a couple of spots that felt very 'wordy'.

But beyond that, I think it's a wonderful, touching piece.
#4
hmmm, this one is interesting. the beginning half flow nicely, but perhaps the words become a distraction. i felt no connection to the beginning. it first sounded a bit cliche, albeit well expressed.

however, starting with "i'm back twelve years ago" it picks up. the rhyme scheme and conciseness, for lack of better word, are nice. that stanza is very poignant. something i relate to.

and the end? i love it lots. upon reading the a few times, i appreciate it as a whole more. what begins as rather poetic and wordy, distills to shorter thoughts. overall, i think it's very well done.
Last edited by el57 at Oct 25, 2008,
#5
WOW, i really like this pice, it give u alot to think about. Can i ask what kind of music u write (like metal, hardcore, folk), again i love this.
#6
This is so sweet, without being sappy. I'll crit later.
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#7
I love this piece. (I'm not familiar with your writings; is it meant to be a poem or a song?) Anyways, the imagery of the end of the first paragraph somewhat confuses me, I don't understand where it fits into the piece. (yes they deal with water, but I'm not the best at putting things together)
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#8
Thanks folks, I greatly appreciate your thoughts.

This hasn't been transfered into music as of yet, but it will most likely be hard underground rock - my band - Deftones/Faith no More/The Fall of Troy kind of stylings.

The word Digitally Clean has a real meaning, buts its sort of complicated. Maybe I'll explain it if you want, just PM me if you so desire.

The last line basically refers to how unfortunately sad some peoples situation are, but it also relates to how difficult it is to understand from a man's point of view. I change the plot entirely with a sharp dip (relating to the sharp falls in a swimming bath) to express how confused, but sorry I am. I hope that helps you understand. Thank you for your read and comment.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Oct 25, 2008,
#9
Well done, you have won me over with this beautiful, heartfelt peice. ou took a really nice and strong idea and you ran with it. There isn't anywhere here that it falters or hesitates, it just keeps chugging on. Is this based on a true story? I just sensed that extra level of personal connection. If you just made it up, then you ahve done incredibly wel infusing this with life. No complaints here whatsoever.
#10
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Thanks folks, I greatly appreciate your thoughts.

This hasn't been transfered into music as of yet, but it will most likely be hard underground rock - my band - Deftones/Faith no More/The Fall of Troy kind of stylings.

The word Digitally Clean has a real meaning, buts its sort of complicated. Maybe I'll explain it if you want, just PM me if you so desire.


off topic i know, but digitally clean reminds me of digital bath, the deftones song... the first band you mentioned as an influence ha.
#11
She has dreams of dams and Dutch kids without thumbs,
oceans that have nowhere to flow but down
empty valleys and
into bathtubs,
drowning while the
glamorous disquiet pleads for company.

^everything but that was so straight forward and pretty and touching and genuinely tasty. That was so abstract compared to everything else though... and it bugged the hell out of me. I just wanted simple, like the rest of hte piece.

The rest was the best I've read from you though.
#12
lovely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Well spotted, mate. ^
Although the term has meanings for me, it is also my indirect tribute towards them, they are up there as number one on my top favourite bands. I know its childish to have one, but I love having top tens and such.

This is a true story, although don't tell my sister that I wrote this and posted it, she will be extremely embarrased and be totally furious with me.
#14
Quote by ZanasCross
She has dreams of dams and Dutch kids without thumbs,
oceans that have nowhere to flow but down
empty valleys and
into bathtubs,
drowning while the
glamorous disquiet pleads for company.

^everything but that was so straight forward and pretty and touching and genuinely tasty. That was so abstract compared to everything else though... and it bugged the hell out of me. I just wanted simple, like the rest of hte piece.

The rest was the best I've read from you though.

You worded that much better than I did, thanks.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#15
this is definitely a departure from the style i've come to love from you -- the succession chaotic images.
this is warm and personal.
i like it, but i can tell you have more to write before you are as adept with something like this as you are with other things you've written. it's a good read, though.
Meadows
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#16
I agree with SYK. Still, something about the diction has that familiar touch of yours. It lent itself very well to the warm tone of the piece.

That's all I can think to say. Well done.
#18
I found the beginning to be quite lovely; an excellent intro into the piece. The rest, as you've been told, is a solid and beautifully drawn story.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#19
SYK. says it best.


I knew you would write about this when I saw it in the free post.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#20
It's a lovely theme - it's rare I find something as deep and personal as this that I can write about. I have loads of ideas, but like everyone else, the difficulty lies in gathering those thoughts into words that are expressed in a thought provoking and poetic manner.

I greatly appreciate everyone's vote of confidence on this.