#1
Tonight I'm just another drunk.
I've downed a bottle of whiskey because
she told me she didn't know whether she
could do monogamy. "It's hard" she says,
and I make a joke about my cock because
avoidance and sarcasm will always be more fun
than acceptance and climbing back into the boat
to fish again.
She wants me to be her "home base" a place she
can always return for emotional support and a
passionate fuck. But she's not so sure she'd
make out with me. That's just not exciting.

You see, tonight I'm a drunken poet on a mission;
a mission to tell you that girls are the devil with
a hole in his crotch.
A mission to tell you that if you invest yourself
in one woman, she'll probably stick her
metaphorical shaft in your ass.
A mission to tell you that pussy isn't worth the effort;
learn to like sucking penis.

Tonight I'm just another drunk;
except this drunk is still coherent
enough to know he's in up to his ears;
but not coherent enough to care that he can't float.
#2
i don't like the focus on physicality, i think it takes away from any sort of... power the narrator could have over us, or sympathy it could evoke

but, entirely contrary to that,i like that it's an effective emotional piece. Anld it can't be both.

just random thoughts, lo
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#3
Lines 1-8 could stand by themselves and make a great poem. I don't understand why the line breaks are where they are. I agree with meh! that you're not giving yourself much room for sympathy in the second stanza. The frustration and anger are well-portrayed but the narrator isn't likeable.. which is okay really, it just depends on what you're going for.

Overall though, I liked it.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I'm thinking about taking out the second stanza... I think it might branch off too much and just become a predictable piece of angry poetry. Thoughts?

Thanks you three. Links? (Stu, I did evenutally get to your letter thing, in case you didn't notice).

Damn Nick, that's old school. Ta, snuggy bear.
#5
I wouldn't take the entire stanza out, especially since the contrast between "tonight I'm a drunken poet on a mission" and "Tonight I'm just another drunk" work well together.. You could just make it shorter and less of a rant.

Link in sig =] Don't worry about it though, if you feel bored you can crit
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
'A mission to tell you that if you invest yourself
in one woman, she'll probably stick her proverbial
shaft in your ass and giggle as you give a whole new
meaning to the term anal fissures.'

That whole bit is just... gross, but not in a good way. It makes the narrator less likeable than the girl he's criticizing.


'A mission to tell you that pussy probably isn't worth
the effort; learn to like sucking penis... you'll
be better off in the long run.'

I like 'learn to like sucking penis'; the rest seems like filler and kind of unnecessary along with it.

This is a lot harsher than I mean it to be, as it really is a good poem, and you're a very good writer. I guess it's just that the better your writing is and the more people expect of you, the harsher and pickier the criticism tends to be. I hope I don't come off as the mother getting pissy about a B on your report card.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
I saw that you got my thing zanas, thanks. Just randomly giving my thoughts

Personally I wouldn't miss bits of the second stanza, but it depends what you're going for i suppose
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#10
dammit vintage x metal, you stole my crit It's good to see you in full swing again Zach, I'm starting to (showck, horror) feel for your characters. I just think that second stanza needs some weeding. I can't think of anything else to add Oh well, there's links in my sig if you ahven't seen them already.
#11
Tonight I'm just another drunk.
I've downed a bottle of whiskey because
she told me she didn't know whether she
could do monogamy. "It's hard" she says,
and I make a joke about my cock because
avoidance and sarcasm will always be more fun
than acceptance and climbing back into the boat
to fish again.
the fish line is great.
would hit even harder if there had been
another fishing or water reference previously,
but, oh well.

She wants me to be her "home base" a place she
can always return for emotional support and a
passionate fuck. But she's not so sure she'd
make out with me. That's just not exciting.

You see, tonight I'm a drunken poet on a mission;
a mission to tell you that girls are the devil with
a hole in his crotch.
you're not the first of us two, to have exactly that thought.
try having it while you're in that hole, mid-stroke. bt,dt

A mission to tell you that if you invest yourself
in one woman, she'll probably stick her proverbial
metaphorical seems better, but proverbial isn't bad.
shaft in your ass and giggle as you give a whole new
meaning to the term anal fissures.
A mission to tell you that pussy probably isn't worth
the effort; learn to like sucking penis... you'll
be better off in the long run.

Tonight I'm just another drunk;
except this drunk is still coherent
enough to know he's in up to his ears;
but not coherent enough to care that he can't float.
the repetition of coherent enough is a very mild impediment.
worth looking for a cleaner way to get this across,
but i wouldn't bother investing much in it.
the concept itself is strong.


i hope this was like a catharsis and not like a catheter.

Quote by vintage x metal
Lines 1-8 could stand by themselves and make a great poem.
i read this after i wrote my crit. i agree ... mostly.

the next four really are necessary to set up what ends up being a return to the theme. but they don't stand well as a separate stanza and they feel -slightly- tacked on. i'm thinking, indenting those 4 might be just the right touch.
Meadows
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#12
I'm really liking the last section. The narrator realizes what he has gotten himself into but he doesn't care enough to get out.

He realizes that even though something may be more trouble than it is worth, we still may not let go of it.

And although the second section is quite dirty I love what it gets across, and definitely like how you start it. Maybe it would be best to use a different metaphor that gets the story across.
#14
I'd take out the mention of poet and just say drunk on a mission.

This was great, I don't have much to say. It was rather fitting when I read it last night
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
Edgy. Not really my cup of tea but I appreciate what you've done here. You can't take away the physicality because that's the backbone of this piece; I would only suggest that, to give your bluntness a little more oomph, you might reinforce it with some aesthetic wording/imagery. Not necessarily changing it all and lightening it up (by no means that) but perhaps create a middle ground for people to latch onto so when the penis/vagina/turd sandwich/Mel Gibson type lines come into play, they'll come across as more "oh no he dih-int". Right now it's edgy, but almost predictably so. Adding some pretty words for contrast would do a world of good.

I know you have a lot to get to, just a comment or smiley/frowny face would be great:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=986048
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 26, 2008,
#16
I liked the first 8 lines a lot. They have all the emotion in them...the rest seems like whining and "if i cant be happy I dont want anyone else to" kinda stuff. The fact that you're drunk is overrepeated...and actually I think this would have been more effective with spelling errors ala the title. It would have shown that you were drunk better than repeating it like that annoying kid at all parties. "oohh man dude i'm like sooo wasted man like i have no idea whats goin on man"

"girls are the devil with a hole in his crotch

This seemed off too me. Wouldn't it be a hole in "her" crotch? Who says that the devil is a man, anyway? From the tone here girls ARE the devil. Either way, I think the devil (if such an entity even exists) transcends gender.

A mission to tell you that pussy isn't worth the effort;
learn to like sucking penis.


Ahh. This made me quiver. This is probably the worst line of any poem I've ever read of yours. It's extremely juvenile and contradicts what you're trying to say here. Do you love her or is she just another pussy? And dude, sucking penis? Come on. Really? Something about dirty wh*res would've been better, I think.

But yeah, I really didn't feel this after the boat part.
#17
First of all, why would you mess up the title on purpose and then write the poem coherently? I was so let down-


Tonight I'm just another drunk.
I've downed a bottle of whiskey because
she told me she didn't know whether she
could do monogamy. "It's hard" she says,
and I make a joke about my **** because
avoidance and sarcasm will always be more fun
than acceptance and climbing back into the boat
to fish again. <-- sentence is too long imo. Though it's a while since I've written anything.
She wants me to be her "home base" a place she
can always return for emotional support and a
passionate ****. But she's not so sure she'd
make out with me. That's just not exciting.
Blah, this didn't grab my attention Zach. It's poor writing for your standards in my opinion. The voice isn't convincing me at all. Also, work on your colloquialisms, they seem out of place (imo) when they can really aid a piece. Also, the bluntness is too bland. As Billy said, give it some oomph.

You see, tonight I'm a drunken poet on a mission;
a mission to tell you that girls are the devil with
a hole in his crotch. <-- This isn't as bland but the vibe of teh peice is definitely not convincing me as a reader at all. If it weren't for the reason that I came in here wanting to give you a crit you would have put me off by now.
A mission to tell you that if you invest yourself
in one woman, she'll probably stick her
metaphorical shaft in your ass. <-- We know her shaft is metaphorical. So far in my existence I haven't come across a woman with a penis, therefore, don't tell me women don't have penises. It's just whiney poetry and you can do much better.
A mission to tell you that pussy isn't worth the effort;
learn to like sucking penis.
More tone issues there. Are you a drunk grown man or a bitchy prepubescent teenager? You've really lost it at this point in the piece. I think you completely lost track of where you wanted to go with this poem.

Tonight I'm just another drunk
except this drunk is still coherent not really imo
enough to know he's in up to his ears;
but not coherent enough to care that he can't float




I don't like it. At all. I think I made that clear enough. Steer clear from this vibe of piece and if you're going to do it pull it off well. This was not your best.
#19
A mission to tell you that pussy isn't worth the effort;
learn to like sucking penis.


I enjoyed that part. It was 'quirky', if that means anything.

I also agree with Katherine about the 'drunk poet' part.

Don't have much to say, unfortunately. I figured I say something before this piece is done making its run. Overall, I enjoyed it.
#20
dunno. it was like someone was drunk and was trying really hard to be real and poetic at the same time but the ambivalence just ended up in indecisiveness which ended up in this. I'll pull out my two year old saying of: this was cool for what it was, but what it was wasn't much.
#21
i liked this. the tone was nice and the direct-ness of it works very well. the second stanza seemed like something an old drunk man would say at a pub in some movie. i like it. It works much better now that you edited it, it sort of made me feel uncomfortable before, as if it was too much. The first few lines of the first stanza are great, as previously said. love them, they could probably stand on their own as a poem, but i feel that the rest of the piece adds more to it, making it better. the ending was really nice too. My only concern is probably the relation between the first line of the second stanza and the first line of the last stanza, idk. you already said you were drunk.
overall, i did enjoy this nice little piece. nothing really wrong with it. this was better than your last one, imo.
cheers.

also i have a new piece up if you have time https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16853929#post16853929
Last edited by cubs at Oct 26, 2008,