#1
The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrode my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.

You want some water with my dignity?

The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower
No one else can hear it, the sting is in my head
Got my swat, but got nothing to kill.

Knock that back darling.

Entertain myself? I tried my hardest but
Nothing is more satisfying
Than tearing myself to pieces, bit by bit.

Nasty kick to that one.

Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Steam off into the fog of thought
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 7, 2008,
#2
not a fan. It had potential, the idea was good. But it didn't have much flow--probably because the line breaks weren't wisely chosen. and it just seemed, i don't know, disconnected maybe.

Say nothing don't react soon it will be over
She'll be gone, the fight that never began will be over
Nothing will be over, she is nothing
I don't need help with it, its nothing.

That was the worst stanza. Repetition is good, if it's done well. This just seemed to be slapped together. If I were you I would try to change it completely..I did like the first and last stanza's though. It's just what came in the middle I wasn't so fond of. Could you crit my latest? It's in my sig..thanks.
#5
60 views and only 3 crits, and thankful as i am, pretty short ones?

redoing the 3rd stanze is one of my top priorities atm. when im done, expect it to be reposted.
#6
Quote by ginjaninja


The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrodes my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.

this starts off pretty good.

You want some water with my dignity?


The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower
Nobody else hears it, the sting is in my head
Got my swat but theres nothing to kill.

still good. i like how you keep this stanza on just the bees and not do anything else with it. to make to many analogies

Knock that back darling.

^that part up there that im pointing to slows down the flow just a bit. and this next stanza is when it gets messed upped

Say nothing don't react soon it will be over
She'll be gone, the fight that never began will be over
Nothing will be over, she is nothing
I don't need help with it, its nothing.

it seems likes there is a lack of commas in the first line. then on the next line it seems to pick up but doesnt because of the disrupted flow. the repetitiveness of nothing is confusing and nothing seems to really go together

Nasty kick to that one.

^still uneven flow

Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Wish to board the train of unconsciousness
Steam off into a cloud of thoughts
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.


it seems like its missing words and needs an 'i' in front of feel and an 'and' before it says slip. still feels a bit unclear. and continues till the last line which i liked



this started off strong but it didnt have a everything needed. it cant have weak stanzas with strong ones. weak +strong= mediocre

this could have been good but the disrupted flow screwed it up. potential
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#8
re wrote the 3rd stanza (OTS again -maybe i should stop that). C4C still. however now i feel the last one doesnt quite fit with the flow. suggestions welcome
#9
i like the idea and strangely i like every verse apart from the last line in each one, i dont know why, its like your building up the verse to something good and then i get disappointed at the end of each one but apart from that its great, nice one
when irish eyes are smiling, you've had to too much to drink cus eyes dont smile, mouths do
#10
Quote by ginjaninja
The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrodes my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.

You go from "they" to "corrodes", which would imply "it" not "they". The last line also feels a little awkward.

You want some water with my dignity?

Like it, but it feels disconnected from the rest.

The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower
Nobody else hears it, the sting is in my head
Got my swat but theres nothing to kill.

Again, the last line feels awkward. The message is good, but it's poorly phrased. Also, you could be more creative with expressing the simile in the first line.

Knock that back darling.

I see the link, but it feels like you're jumping between 2 different things. Could be intentional, but the transition needs to be smoother.

The sticks and stones might break my bones
But that word can truly wreck me
A few muttered syllables and I'm being torn apart

Nasty kick to that one.

Good, I like that section.

Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Wish to board the train of unconsciousness
Steam off into a cloud of thoughts
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.

The 2nd line feels unnecessary, since it's just taking what you're saying in the rest of the stanza and hitting the reader in the face with it. Other than that this is a strong end.


Mixed bag. I like it, but it needs some work. Thanks for the comment on mine.
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#11
this was written ots.
C4C, name the piece to do.
the more i read it, the less i like it.
my raw emotions at this particular time on this particular evening.
style is largely inspired by findings in the link in my sig.


The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrodes my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.

I like the first two lines, but unless i'm mistaken, the understood subject for "corrodes" is they and "corrodes" should be "corrode" or a different tense.

You want some water with my dignity?
This line is awesome hahaha I like the cynicism.

The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower Nice alliteration and simile. It's a pretty sick combination.
Nobody else hears it, the sting is in my head If you wanted to you could change "Nobody else hears it" to "No one else can hear it"
Got my swat but theres nothing to kill. Nice use of internal slant rhyme, and I particularly like this line.

Knock that back darling. Comma after back

The sticks and stones might break my bones
But that word can truly wreck me
A few muttered syllables and I'm being torn apart The first two lines work well, but the "I'm being torn apart" is a bit too wordy, I'd suggest removing "being" or trying to find a more terse and abrupt sentence

Nasty kick to that one.


Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Wish to board the train of unconsciousness
Steam off into a cloud of thoughts
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.
The second, third and fourth lines are particularly well done, though I would suggest reworking the first.


Overall, I think it was an excellent piece. Maybe another stanza with concrete description rather than abstract ideas somewhere towards the middle or end to bring the writing back down to earth for a bit (unless you were trying to achieve the transition from physical to intangible). Other than that possible change, wonderfully done.
#12
Quote by ginjaninja
this was written ots.
C4C, name the piece to do.
the more i read it, the less i like it.
my raw emotions at this particular time on this particular evening.
style is largely inspired by findings in the link in my sig.


The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrodes my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.

my only complaint here would be the last line. its a bit awkward in its phrasing and a little bit cliche. theres nothing wrong with cliche if you can change it up a bit but 'corrodes my insides' just falls a little short.

You want some water with my dignity?

^i liked this very much. very much.

The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower
Nobody else hears it, the sting is in my head
Got my swat but theres nothing to kill.

im a little torn on this. i think i like the last line, its different but enjoyable. the ' bee to a flower' line is a over used and falls short here. re reading this though i like how you related the 'sting' with the 'bee' in the above line, subtle but nice.

Knock that back darling.

good follow up to the previous one line stanza above.

The sticks and stones might break my bones
But that word can truly wreck me
A few muttered syllables and I'm being torn apart

meh. i think this is the worst part of the piece. it seems a little desperate, a last resort kind of thing cause you couldn't think of anything more creative to say what you intended here.

Nasty kick to that one.


Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Wish to board the train of unconsciousness
Steam off into a cloud of thoughts
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.

me gusta.


this definitely had its ups and downs but it found some sort of mediocre balance towards the end. i think with a little more time and a little outside thinking this could be turned into something excellent but as of now its somewhere in the middle. thanks much for the crit, idk how much this will help but my advice would be to go completely outside the box and look for new refreshing ways to express your emotions, don't rely on old cliches and what people have said before to relay them to us. you're on the right path i would say.

edit: you're a radiohead fan i see, props for that.
#13
updated, again, due to the lovely crits from the two people above.

the 3rd stanza now relates to the first 2. the last is more fitting with the flow.
various grammatical and personal likes have been changed. im much happier with it now than i was when i posted it.

still C4C.
#15
If nothing else it transmitted a feeling I'm familiar with. And, it did so in an artistically inclined way. The only flaw I could find really would be the subtle ending, it left me indifferent toward the character and the direction of the poem in general.
#16
Cirt4Crit - Thanks.

Quote by ginjaninja
this was written ots, and now updated countless times
C4C, name the piece to do.


The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrode my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.

You want some water with my dignity?
I like these disconnected lines, it adds a really unique element

The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower
No one else can hear it, the sting is in my head
Got my swat, but got nothing to kill.

Knock that back darling.
ahh i love these

The sticks and stones might break my bones
But these things can truly wreck me
An evening alone, I'm being torn apart

did you have to use sticks and stones? Seriously??? It sounds good but youre creative enough to use another more unique line!!!

Nasty kick to that one.
k seriously... these lines rule. Its like a different story dispersed with the bigger stanzas

Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Steam off into the fog of thought
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.

and then you tie them together at the bottom. Wicked.


Overall I think its pretty solid. Some lines you could mess with for flow purposes and GET RID of sticks and stones...its WAY overused
But props to you man...i like it.
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DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




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*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#17
untamed hit my thoughts right there.

its great how someone else other than me loved the way the little lines and the stanzas were separate, yet got tied at the end.

agree on the sticks and stones. but, i really cant think of anything to change it to.
ill keep thinking.


fuck it, im going for a walk. whats there right now doesnt fit with the flow. and thats because it was written seperately.

so im off for some inspiration. ill be back.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 15, 2008,
#18
Quote by ginjaninja

Entertain myself? I tried my hardest
But you see, theres nothing more satisfying
Than tearing myself to pieces, bit by bit.

Nasty kick to that one.


I really like it
I think 'bit by bit' is good, but, imo it doesn't flow particularly well.
Also what is 'Nasty kick to that one' about?

I don't know what melody/rhythm you have in mind but you could try:

Entertain myself? I tried my hardest
Don't you see, there is nothing more satisfying
than tearing myself to pieces

Slowly, bit by bit

Just came up with that now, just an idea
I know you said just to crit the 3rd stanza, but I think the rest is pretty damn good :P
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#19
Good! you got rid of Sticks and stones haha
I really like what you've done.
Sounds WAY better.
right on!
Quote by thedefrockednun


DAMN YOU I SIGGED HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I demand, in the name of the rt, that you change your sig...


NOW!!!!!!!!!




Quote by rigiddigits
RT meet!! Of epic global proportions!!!*
*world may asplode due to unprecedented levels of awesome.
#21
First of all, I just wanted to thank you for the extensive critique you gave me on my piece. You outlined its flaws well and picked up on a lot of things that I wanted to convey. So here goes, I hope I can adequately return the favor. I know it says only critique the third stanza, but I'm going to just outline what I like and not criticize it. I hope that's all right.

The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrode my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.

This is all good, I like it and the imagery you have. I'm not going to say much on it because of the 3rd stanza rule.

You want some water with my dignity?

The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower
No one else can hear it, the sting is in my head
Got my swat, but got nothing to kill.

Something I liked about these two sections is that when you described 'water with my dignity' I imagined it fizzing like alka seltzer or something, and then you said the 'buzzing is back' and it just tied in for me. So I thought that was well done. It connects to the other two singular lines.

Knock that back darling.

Entertain myself? I tried my hardest
But you see, theres nothing more satisfying
Than tearing myself to pieces, bit by bit.

I enjoyed the idea of this stanza. Unfortunately I find it slightly choppy in places. I'm no obviously no expert and you should always take the things I say with a grain of salt, but the 'Entertain myself, I tried my hardest' was good and conveyed your emotion well. It might benefit from having 'best' or something with less syllables in it. But as is, it's fine. Something that throws the stanza off-kilter is the polysyllabic 'satisfying' (4). I feel that if you could work these lines differently, the section would flow more smoothly. That being said, I just want to stress that I enjoyed this stanza: I was just lending you some potential remedies to things that stuck out slightly on the one stanza you wanted critiqued.

Nasty kick to that one.

Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Steam off into the fog of thought
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.

Something I've noticed in all of your pieces is that your final line is always immensely poignant and culminates the poem perfectly, which leaves me with a sense of fulfillment after reading the piece.



I hope you don't take offense to my criticism and addressing stanzas other than the third. Hopefully what I suggested can help you, and if not that's O.K. too. Thank you once again for the critique you gave me on my poem, it really helped. It was great reading the previous comments because they had the older versions of your poem and it was fulfilling to see them metamorphose into this final piece. But yeah, I hope to read more of your stuff. Thanks for sharing!

P.S. - You might want to know that the links to the bottom two poems in your signature are broken (or at least they don't work for me).
Last edited by Milo. at Dec 7, 2008,
#23
Thank you milo, you're right about satis....
Links fixed now.

I am a firm believer in the whole end with a great one liner thing.


K, don't come back to this, it's from october.

No more posting here please.

Read if you want. Pm me if it's really really important, something others havent picked up on.

Needs to die.
#24
There's part of this piece that I liked and parts I don't think fit as well as the rest.

The lights are flickering from across the meadow
They won't shut up, won't leave me alone
Corrode my insides like the acid I shouldn't be touching.


I liked the opening and closing lines, I'm not sure how I feel about the second line. I can see it's place and what you're trying to express, I just feel it has poor relation to the previous line (being that light is something you see, not hear, how can I shut it up? Again, I know what you're trying to say, but without rereading it, I'm not sure that's how it comes off

The buzzing is back like a bee to a flower
No one else can hear it, the sting is in my head
Got my swat, but got nothing to kill.


I liked the use of metaphors here

Entertain myself? I tried my hardest but
Nothing is more satisfying
Than tearing myself to pieces, bit by bit.


I liked this for the most part, I'm not sure how I feel about "bit by bit", maybe reword it?

Feel the world slip away, slip onto the floor
Steam off into the fog of thought
I'll never know, I spiked my own drink.


I like how you opened this, but I'm not sure how I felt about the rest. The second line is what I'm most hung up about, the use of "steam" and "fog" I think could be replaced with better words

Overall I thought it was different, I'm not sure what you were trying to do with the one-liners between stanzas, but without hearing it with the music, I can't tell if it should stay or go.
#25
Seeing as this is at the top of the page again, another reminder from me wont hurt.


NO MORE POSTING IN HERE

It's f*cking old.


Although, thanks.