#1
C4C, just link/name it and i'll get to it.

Loneliness, my friend
I’m falling asleep talking to you again
Loneliness, my friend
You take my sighs
You take my time
I’m the blood on which you dine
You leave me hanging here, like Jesus from a cross
But what can I say without me your at a loss

There’s no denying the gallant swing in your step
But what can I say your mine to be kept
You were there to hear the reasons of why I wept
And of course you’re the only one that’s been constantly kept
Always on the fringe, not overtly just a tinge
Always there, but who’s to know, who’s to care?
Who’s to dare, to ask why you’re there?
If you were a drug, I’d be addicted to you

But what can I say I’m a tragic pretense and we’re tied in two
Even though you’re the river I’m bound to be found in
The rope that’s been chosen for the hang
The embodiment of what I continually fear
The thief in the night that takes what I hold dear

The red means I think I've overused that particular rhyming scheme any suggestions? btw i've since edited that particular section and i cant seem to make the last line work.
also what do you think? good/bad? any other criticisms? anythings welcome.
Last edited by Blue? at Oct 25, 2008,
#2
thanks for the crit.

Quote by Blue?


Loneliness, my friend
I’m falling asleep talking to you again
Loneliness, my friend
You take my sighs
You take my time
I’m the blood on which you dine
You leave me hanging here, like Jesus from a cross
But what can I say without me your at a loss
very good, nothing really wrong with it, although i would suggest a comma in the last line between say and without, just to help the flow (you did it in the second last line but not that one, maybe it was just a casual mistake) i like the ideas, and it wasn't too clever for itself. im not quite sure on the repetition of "loneliness my friend" maybe think of another idea for the 3rd line, or a just change my friend, or use an even more powerful first line? just some ideas...


There’s no denying the gallant swing in your step
But what can I say your mine to be kept
You were there to hear the reasons of why I wept
And of course you’re the only one that’s been constantly kept

i kinda agree on the overused rhyme here, makes it sound forced. second line you're, not your. this is my least favourite section, it seems out of place. rework this bit, or get rid of it.

Always on the fringe, not overtly just a tinge
Always there, but who’s to know, who’s to care?
Who’s to dare, to ask why you’re there?
If you were a drug, I’d be addicted to you
i like this verse, it has more nice ideas in it like the first. i don't think i really like the "whos to know, whos to care, whos to dare" bit. the flow seems disrupted due to the in line rhymes, linking in with the next line. but as i said, the ideas behind the words are good. the last line seems out of place, incoherent with the rest of the verse. it seems like you thought of that line, though thats good and tagged it on the end. it is good. but it doesn't fit well.


But what can I say I’m a tragic pretense and we’re tied in two
Even though you’re the river I’m bound to be found in
The rope that’s been chosen for the hang
The embodiment of what I continually fear
The thief in the night that takes what I hold dear
this again has some nice ideas, but i don't like how they are being communicated. how can "we" be "tied in two"? you say you are likely to be found in a river, but then talk about a hanging. who is being hung? what is the embodiment of what you fear? who is the thief in the night? is it this "you" person? if it is, its a bit stupid, you are addicted to something you fear, a thief that takes everything you hold dear. if it is not, then you need to elaborate. i like the second line, possibly my favourite in the whole piece.


also, although each of the verses were good, nothing really tied then together. there was no coherent style or rhyme scheme throughout this piece. as seperate verses id give them each 3 to 4/5. but as a whole piece id give this a 1 or 2/5



sorry for being so cynical and negative, its who i am.