#1
lightly sober
deep in dreams
I brushed your lips with fingertips,
you just blushed and drank my touch.
it seemed to us as autumn fell
a leafless sky would shiver,
and you and I
warm in we
would fight the window frost.
sleeping in each other's sighs
a life inside the other's eyes,
we were always so
together.

then I left
to find myself
but no november knows
the violet rain that fell on us
the brush, the blush
your gentle touch,
always
in our october.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#2
<3

Too tired to say anything. But I felt it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Thank you culex.

On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
"and you and I
warm in we" - wonderful.

the last stanza touched me bro.
great, great stuff.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
I'm enjoying all of this poetry that I can't crit.

Beautiful, sir.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
'and you and I
warm in we"
-shivers-

This flows so well and every image is gorgeous. Beautiful.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
gorgeous.

sexy.


violet rain was a lovely word choice.
my mind quickly went to violent rain.
and the hint toward purple rain wasn't unpleasant, either.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
To start off with the bad, I thought the title was very cliche. But I do like how it feeds a rhyme for the first line.

I brushed your lips with fingertips,
you just blushed and drank my touch.


The sophisticated rhymes within these two lines were excellent

then I left
to find myself


This seemed slapped together at the last minute. It just doesn't seem very integrated into the piece, and doesn't carry the same tone as what came before. And something about the line break irks me, though I can't put my finger on it. It just seems like it should be one line. Everything about it just doesn't fly right with me.


There. I've mentioned every bad thing I can think of. The tone was excellent. The pace was excellent. The piece... excellent.
#12
Thank you guys, I'm about to go on a comment spree, so all of yours should be gotten-to shortly.

I'm currently working on turning this into a song. If I can find someone else to sing for me it might be uploaded in my profile shortly. If not I still might put it up and replace it with some better vocals later (either case though I'd love to hear some thoughts, since it's my first go at original music)
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#13
I really liked this as a poem; the wordplay and metaphors were absolutely fantastic, and though I may not ahve entirely understood it, I certainly felt it. I really don't know what else to say; put simply, I'd love to be able to write stuff like this.

Only one thing that I think you could perhaps change is: "then I left" to either "and I left" or "but I left"; IMO, it lets the piece progress/move one/flow forward without using basicand obvious words such as 'then'.

Overall, I loved it though.

Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987872
#14
The last part was amazing. The first part just didn't hold my attention though. To me, I couldn't find the sentiment underneath the abstractness and word play. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasant (especially to read outloud) but I just couldn't connect with anything until the second half. Last part was good though. I see a lot of myself in it, which makes it enjoyable.