#1
These are my first decent set of lyrics. If you guys could please give some tips and ideas on what to change or do next that would be great.

My heart hurts.
I dont know where you are.
Im lost inside these memories.
My heart burns.
I feel so lost.
And I dont know who I am.
Without you.

Let me know what you think please.

P.S i will happilly crit one of your peices if you crit mine.
#2
Well, considering this is your first set of lyrics, there is nothing you can expect to be fantastic, but it's decent, it'll take some time before you can create a masterpiece, ha ha, years and years of practice. anyway, maybe work in a rhyming pattern? ABAB or something (first line rhymes with third line, second with fourth) or AABB (first line rhymes with second, third with fourth), but just keep working at it, eventually something will strike you and the words will just come, and then you'll have something to base the rest of your work off of, it might happen tommorow or a year from now, just try to inspire yourself, listen to different styles of music, go somehwere new, just experience the world differently, and yeah, its good, solid work for someone first starting, keep going!! and dont give up!

If you could check out the song in my sig
#3
good atempt, now im no expert in song writing
as ive only just started myself, but i think
My heart hurts.
I dont know where you are.
Im lost inside these memories.
and im looikng from a far

works a little better and then id perhaps use the "my head hurts" line as an opening into your second verse. like i said im no expert just trying to help
#4
My heart hurts. <----Painfully cliche.
I dont know where you are.
Im lost inside these memories.
My heart burns. <----Basically the same thing you said in the first line.
I feel so lost.
And I dont know who I am.
Without you.

Let me know what you think please.

P.S i will happilly crit one of your peices if you crit mine.
-------------------------------
Ok, so it's painfully cliche in a couple of places. But then again, my first attempt a lyrics was even more cliche, and... well, it sucked. I did think that it was pretty good for a first attempt at lyrics. One thing you need to do, is try to draw the reader in. Make them want to read the whole song just because of the first line. Now that doesn't mean just have one good line with the rest of them being so-so. After the first line, you need to keep the readers attention. A good way to do so is with rhyming. It's never a good idea to force a rhyme(and I've been known to do just that.) But if you can think of a line that rhymes with one before, and sticks to the same idea in the song, go for it. If you get stuck, go to rhymezone.com. It might just help you find the perfect word.
That's it for my advice. Hope I was helpful. If you would be so kind as to crit one of mine. Preferably the first one in my sig.
#5
hi

when carmel_l closed your thread in S&L techniques she told:
"Please read the rules and post this in the correct forum with the correct title."


when TobyFellrunners reported the next thread you made in S&L, he told you:
"Read the rules. The thread title is against them."



read the rules. do it now. your thread title is still wrong.


*reported*


...
Meadows
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