#1
Wrote this because one of my best friends bitched the shit out of me in my face, and told me to " go jump off a cliff or something". Bitch.

(whispered)

As I rip my hair out
the pain subdues
I know im not perfect
but neither are you
I trip, I fall, You laugh, I Cry
Its almost over
the day is nigh
its a pain you cant put a plaster on
the guilt surrounds me
but nothing I have done.

(repeat but but sang agressively)

Thats all so far.
Gear
Ibanez GRG170DX
Bluerock Begginers Strat
Fender Acoustic
Bluerock Begginers 10W Amp
Lne 6 Spider 3 15
Gear to come
Les Paul Copy(Fixing up to be good)
#2
Well I'll tell you what I think. As a lyric, it isn't all bad. A little emo and a little shallow but not bad indeed.

As the sbject itself, it's awful! Man if a "friend" tells you to jump off a cliff you shouldn't write stuff for him. You're just giving importace to him! Just sing bout how you shouldn't trust everybody or something. If you were to sing it to him, he'd probably get the point but others listening maybe wouldn't thus giving him very little importance.

Just my oppinion though...
#3
Thanks Thats pretty helpful.
Gear
Ibanez GRG170DX
Bluerock Begginers Strat
Fender Acoustic
Bluerock Begginers 10W Amp
Lne 6 Spider 3 15
Gear to come
Les Paul Copy(Fixing up to be good)
#4
As I rip my hair out
the pain subdues
this isn't half bad.
i think you need something prior to set it up.
but i like the concept.

I know im not perfect
but neither are you
this pretty much sucks ass.
the rhyme is forced and it's incomplete.
and the structure reminds me of "roses are red ..."

I trip, I fall, You laugh, I Cry
Its almost over
the day is nigh
you started down a good path and wrecked by forcing another rhyme.
its a pain you cant put a plaster on
the guilt surrounds me
but nothing I have done.


you might want to try non-rhyming for a while.
just focus on content and rhythm.
if you feel you must rhyme,
work harder to find rhymes that fit.
Meadows
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#5
Kk Thanks
Gear
Ibanez GRG170DX
Bluerock Begginers Strat
Fender Acoustic
Bluerock Begginers 10W Amp
Lne 6 Spider 3 15
Gear to come
Les Paul Copy(Fixing up to be good)
#6
I'm going to agree with SomeoneYouKnew, the rhyming feels incredibly forced. I'm not sure that's the best way to portray your anger .
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#7
the rhyms seem horribly forced.

i would recommend writing stuff that dont rhyme for a while.

also, pick better subject matters, this tends to be an extremely shallow thing to write about, anger at a friend.

unless you can express it in new ways, with a message, story and idea, dont bother.