#1
Hey guys, this is a piece I started and finished this evening. I've not revised it so it's very much a raw work. I've gone for Because of the Time as a title, but I'm aware it's a Kings of Leon album so any suggestions for a title are welcome too. Let me know what you think and I'll return C4C on a piece if you leave me the link.

Here it is:

What's the reason we keep on driving?
Down these roads,
Which are so winding.
Is it so we end up finding,
Finding, our way back home?

Through all these thoughts that tranpire,
We find out,
What we desire.
The twists of fate which conspire,
Conspire, to make us roam.

We always follow the signs,
That congregate in our minds.
When they ask why we,
Keep on trying.
We tell them,
It's Because of the Times.

Why do their cold eyes keep on staring?
Their eyes which,
Were once so caring.
Is it because they are tearing,
Tearing, our feelings apart?

Even though it may take forever,
We carry on,
This endeavour.
And we take our time however,
However, long it takes to start.

We always follow the signs,
That congregate in our minds.
When they ask why we,
Keep on trying.
We tell them,
It's Because of the Times.

It could take something,
Or it might take nothing.
To help us find,
What we are wanting.
And all the time
They are watching,
Watching.

We always follow the signs,
That congregate in our minds.
When they ask why we,
Keep on trying.
We tell them,
It's Because of the Times.
#2
Here it is:

What's the reason we keep on driving?
Down these roads,
Which are so winding.
Is it so we end up finding,
Finding, our way back home?

Nice. It flows off the tongue nicely.

Through all these thoughts that transpire,
We find out,
What we desire.
The twists of fate which conspire,
Conspire, to make us roam.

Again, flows nicely. I like the rhyming patter. How you rhym not only within each verse, but also rhyme the ends with each other.

We always follow the signs,
That congregate in our minds.
When they ask why we,
Keep on trying.
We tell them,
It's Because of the Times.

Perfect for a chorus. I can't complain about any part of it so far. And that's saying something for me.

Why do their cold eyes keep on staring?
Their eyes which,
Were once so caring.
Is it because they are tearing,
Tearing, our feelings apart?

The whole 'tearing our feelings apart' line is borderline cliche'. I don't think it takes away from it though.

Even though it may take forever,
We carry on,
This endeavour.
And we take our time however,
However, long it takes to start.

I don't know if I like this line. I'm not quite sure what it is. I've read it over a few times, and I just don't know. I think it works fine in the song, but the last line definately is a forced rhyme. Which I've been known to do as well I'm sure.

We always follow the signs,
That congregate in our minds.
When they ask why we,
Keep on trying.
We tell them,
It's Because of the Times.

It could take something,
Or it might take nothing.
To help us find,
What we are wanting.
And all the time
They are watching,
Watching.

This part I'm guessing is the bridge. In my mind, I can hear a solo playing after it.
We always follow the signs,
That congregate in our minds.
When they ask why we,
Keep on trying.
We tell them,
It's Because of the Times.

-------------------------------------
Ok, so overall, I enjoyed reading this piece. There were some rhymes that appeared to be forced, and as is the problem with my work, you only have to read it once to comprehend it. On the bright side, however, I have read your other pieces, and I must say, I am not disappointed. All of the songs that I have read by you, I could picture hearing on the radio. You consistently put out quality work in my opinion.

If you would be so kind as to crit my song "The Poisoning of our Minds"
It's in my sig. Thanks.
#3
Nice

I like this song and Here is why
I haven't read a whole lot of songs on here but it is refreshing to see someone who isn't talking about a person / people or just random thoughts and situations. I also like it's simplicity. It's structure is tight and strays just far enough from the main point, but not too far to where I would lose interest or get confused. The rhyming is also tight and fairly structured. Some people might not like it, but I believe that when the Lyrics and rhyming are simpler it leaves more room for the music to be voiced. One of the things that I thought could be Improved was The chorus. It was written well but I think it would be cool if you were to change it slightly in some way, as the song progresses.

there is one verse that confused me slightly:

Why do their cold eyes keep on staring?
Their eyes which,
Were once so caring.
Is it because they are tearing,
Tearing, our feelings apart?

there is another verse where you talk about "they"
I thought that maybe you could connect them to make it seem as if "they" were the same "their" in the above verse. If that Makes any Sense.
It would go like this:

It could take something,
Or it might take nothing.
To help us find,
What we are wanting.
And all the time
They are watching,
Watching.

Why do their cold eyes keep on staring?
Their eyes which,
Were once so caring.
Is it because they are tearing,
Tearing, our feelings apart?

(I felt this verse would make more sense at the end, but either way it works)

Even though it may take forever,
We carry on,
This endeavour.
And we take our time however,
However, long it takes to start.

We always follow the signs,
That congregate in our minds.
When they ask why we,
Keep on trying.
We tell them,
It's Because of the Times.


I hope this will help

I have posted a link for the only song I have on here But I'm not too sure how exactly how it's done.

[https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=986766] Language Older than Words
Last edited by Ryan 88 at Oct 26, 2008,
#4
Thanks for the quick replies guys, I am up for work in 5 hours so I will get to work on your songs tomoro when I get home, I'd rather give you full crits thatn a half arsed on when I'm tired, I appreciate the comments alot, looking forwad to reading your pieces.

Thanks

-Toby