#1
OTS, undeveloped, and I don't like the wording very much. Be harsh.


When I climax
I don't know whether to
moan your name
or weep -
Caught in the rush
of dumb and uncontrollable emotion
I sound dumb either way
Dumb girl.
Thankfully there's no one to hear me

What a shame that
I can't even take care of myself
in peace -
You thrust yourself into
all the wrong places.
All I can manage to get wet
are my cheeks
Dumb girl.
Grow a pair.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
*reported* ^

This was really bright, in a starkly uncomfortable way. Which is of course, awesome.

"moan your name
or weep -" - Don't like the line break here, breaks the flow too much and a piece like this seems to rely on the fluidity of it.

- "Caught in the rush
of dumb and uncontrollable emotion
I sound dumb either way
Dumb girl." - I dont' like the wording of this. I'm terrible for coming up with alternatives or solutions to the problems that I notice - and you notice yourself, as you pointed out - To make valid replacements, I think you really have to be the writer himself/herself. If your not, you could be on the wrong end of the line when lending a new posibility, which could ruin the vibe of the piece.

- "All I can manage to get wet
are my cheeks" - Once again, I have a few different wording opportunities in my head, but it could wreck the overall sensation from reading this. I'm sure someone else will notice the changes and write something better than I would. Unless of course you want me to explain my thoughts?

The last line was really in your face. In fact, this whole piece is ripe with shocking innuedo and explicit material that it's hard to really concentrate on what you are trying to say.
Shock factor can be effective, but it's more affluent when it's restrained and boundaries are set by the writer before hand.
This is too honest, in other words.
It is a very good piece - your honest approach is quite humbling and thought provoking - but it could be so much more intuitive and delicate.

Digitally Clean
#4
When I climax
i hated that. total boner-killer.

even though the piece is about the internal conflict,
starting so abruptly just feels all wrong.

In that moment,
when ...

then go on describing the moment in metaphor.
( i'll send you a few metaphors some time. )
about 4 lines oughta do it.
then pick up with what is currently your second line.


you used dumb 4 times. 3 in the first stanza.
pull 3 of them out or add at least 1 more to the first.
it's not overdone -quite- enough to be effective right now.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
tbh i loved it.
i thought it was real.
down to earth.
catatonic, yet, chock-full of the emotion that you never hope to feel.

keep writing like this and you'll have a new fan.
fucking right.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
the main problem i have with this is "dumb". It needs to be stronger. Like "stupid" but not even that works. I love the idea and the gist, but the wording as you said lets you down. Also, its very abrupt, but i think it works in this case