#1
I've never written this personal, but it seems to be flowing out at present, so I have to go with it. About my Grandfather. Inspired by a Short Story by Carson Nikes.


Relating

In 1985 my Grandfather celebrated
two birthdays, his own and mine.
A few years down the line
when I sat beside his chair
and heard him hauling in his
unsteady chain of breath, each link
another lump in the back of his throat,
words he wished he'd said.
"Stephen" he crowed, saying my name
like the demand "look at me,"
while placing his hand on top of mine,
displaying a scar across his knuckles -
a workmans' wound from the buses,
back when they were maintained.
"Never look back, I never did."

Both of us began to cry,
side-by-side in the Ercol chairs
I had placed outside for us,
facing out at the untended garden,
until a woman came and took his hand
from mine, escorting him back into the
past, leaving me to walk away freely
looking forward to living by way
of the future.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
its cool man i don't get it but its cool
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I hijacked this!
#5
The only moment that bothered me at all was, "Never look back, I never did." - I wish it had a line break in there.

I really can't find anything that I don't like. It wasn't stale because of it's pristine aura, it was exctatic because of its pristine aura; full of life in a lifeless world.
You helped the reader understand that the old are not lifeless - even though that probably wasn't your original image to convey.

Beautiful writing.

BTW, how do you remember this scenario? I'm guessing you were a baby...
#6
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The only moment that bothered me at all was, "Never look back, I never did." - I wish it had a line break in there.


BTW, how do you remember this scenario? I'm guessing you were a baby...


Yeah agreed about the line break.

As for my age, I cheated slightly with the 'a few years down the line' bit, I was actually 12 when this took place, I just left it ambiguous for the sake of the piece and the chain/down the line connection.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
It has a curious effect to end each line seemingly completed, then add onto it in the next. I got a little jittery with excitement, to be honest, in the middle of the first stanza; simply looking forward to seeing where the rest went. Then by the second stanza I began to wish it would shift to something a little more third grade narrative style. I'd already gotten my kicks out of the line breaks, I then just wanted the story to finish itself in a simpler way (paragraph form, perhaps).

I'm being ridiculously picky tonight. This was excellent.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
this is the best thing I have read from you ever and that's after reading your stuff for over three years (I stalked you and your stuff before I joined along with Matt, Randy's, Corey's, and Mike's).

I can honestly say, with tears beginning to well up in my eyes, that I loved this. This is poetry. don't think I'll forget this piece anytime soon.

Thank you for writing this, Steve.

#9
Wonderful and personal. Very nice piece.

and heard him hauling in his
unsteady chain of breath, each link
another lump in the back of his throat,
words he wished he'd said.


That is a truly astounding metaphor. As I read this, my eyes seemed to catch on that line. Great work.

Other than that, it's a pretty well thought out piece, although I'm not sure what the first thought has to do with anything.

Also, I think you might have a small grammatical error in the following line :

A few years down the line
when I sat beside his chair
and heard him hauling in his
unsteady chain of breath, each link
another lump in the back of his throat,
words he wished he'd said.


Sounds to me like you could do without the 'when'.
Just an opinion.
If you get the chance,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=986699
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#11
if i say "go away" will you be offended? How can anyone compete with such professional quality writing. You take the beautiful moments in life and lay them across the page. Before Hereditary, I had never read anything of yours, but I think I might do some hunting now.
#12
I wish there was a semi-colon after birthdays and I wish there was a line break before 'I never did'.

This was absolutely magical.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
In 1985 my Grandfather celebrated
two birthdays, his own and mine.
In 1985 my Grandfather celebrated
two birthdays; his own and mine.


A few years down the line(comma?)
when I sat beside his chair
and heard him hauling in his unsteady
chain of breath, each link
another lump in the back of his throat,
words he wished he'd said.
i didn't really love the link and chain metaphor. it's fine. but the imagery isn't as fantastic as it could be here. this is one of the best pieces of poetry i've ever read, and that metaphor isn't, really. i guess if it accurately describes the situation then fine. also, syntactically this is odd. you're saying "a few years ago, when i was... and ..." and then you full-stop. i mean, it's like saying "a few years ago, when i was twelve." the length of the sentence draws attention away from it, but it still irritates me.


"Stephen" he crowed, saying my name
like the demand "look at me,"
this was clumsy. "like the demand". why not "Stephen, he crowed (*perhaps insert adverb of choice*), as if to say "look at me"

while placing his hand on top of mine,
displaying a scar across his knuckles -
a workmans' wound from the buses,
back when they were maintained.
"Never look back, I never did."
i didn't like "back when they were maintained". firstly, the wording is odd, and secondly, the repetition kind of dampens the next line, which would hit me significantly harder if the word "back" hadn't just been used. i don't agree with the line break thing. it's unnecessary, and it's kind of cheesy. we read that and it hits us. it doesn't need the emphasis of a line break, it's emphatic enough already.

Both of us began to cry,
side-by-side in the Ercol chairs
I had placed outside for us,
facing out at the untended garden,
until a woman came and took his hand
from mine, escorting him back into the
past, leaving me to walk away freely
looking forward to living by way
of the future.
absolutely beautiful. manipulated my emotions entirely. i felt raped after reading this. and you couldn't even begin to fathom quite how much i enjoyed it. the things i've said are entirely unnecessary, i just felt i'd better try and say something. it irks me when threads just turn into "wow, this is great".

eh, this deserves it though. i'll echo dylan and say that this won't be leaving me anytime soon.

and zach, in saying it was refreshing to read a piece of yours without my left eye in the dictionary.
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 27, 2008,
#16
i.
love.
it.

"crowed"
.. i have to show this to my sister.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#17
you are writing better than you ever have by far right now. this is outstanding, and I don't even consider it to be the best poem I've read from you this week.

my birthday is actually on the same day as my now-deceased great grandfather, so you had me roped in from the start.
#18
Very deserving, my friend.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#22
good-o!
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#23
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Congratulations. An excellent piece.


You always steal my congratulatory words of choice and get there first


Congratulations.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#24
"Stephen" he crowed, saying my name
like the demand "look at me,"
while placing his hand on top of mine,
displaying a scar across his knuckles -

I think it was previously pointed out. "like the demand" feels awkward, i suggest trying something different. This also seems a bit long for a sentence, i don't know , maybe its the way its built. - Nothing major though. This was truly great and deserving.
Congratulations Steve, your writing is inspirational.
#25
an exceptionally substantial peice. i assume this peice has touched others, it is captivatingly touching...
Last edited by rocktheguitar at Nov 13, 2008,