#1
"Death and Warfare" by yours truly


This song could, I guess, be bout depression. Not a nice topic, but hey, the muse struck, right?


My fears seek to drown me once again
But I refuse to succumb to darkness
My fears wish for my final madness
And I will not satisfy

I won't die upon your command
Ever I live on til my end
Only God will command my death
Death and warfare
This is spiritual warfare
I fight against darkness
Death and warfare

Despair wishes me to fall prey
But I defy the utter sadness and the evil
Despair claws coldly at my mind
I won't answer the door


c4c!

Edit: At the suggestion of RadioMuse23, I changed a few lines. Not all of em tho. For example, the line 'This is spiritual warfare', I decided to leave in cuz it kinda gives the song a dual theme, which I like and was the original purpose of the line.
Last edited by rockhardmetal at Oct 28, 2008,
#2
"My fears seek to drown me once again
But I refuse to succumb to darkness
My fears wish for my madness, my friend
And I will not satisfy"

"My friend" leapt out at me like a bailout rhyme. It's unnecessary and seems like it's been tacked on to make the lyric rhyme.

"I won't die upon your command
Ever I live on til my end
Only God will command my death
Death and warfare
This is spiritual warfare
I fight against darkness
Death and warfare"

It's hard for me to tell how this would sound with music, so I can't really pass judgment. I don't like the 'spiritual warfare' line sandwiched between the two "death and warfares." I'm struggling to think of an alternative at the moment, but it's too monotonous and takes away from the main theme 'death and warfare.' I'd just try to find another word that rhymes rather than the same word 3 times.

Despair wishes me to fall prey
But I defy the utter sadness and the evil
Despair claws coldly at my mind
I won't answer the door

Fall prey to what? If you fall prey, you fall prey to something in particular. Is it the touch of despair? The hate? The solitude? You get it.

In order to sharpen the theme, I would remove 'defy' and replace it with 'fight'. Or go back and replace fight with defy. I think it would strengthen the theme of the song if you stuck with the same word...are you specifically fighting the darkness? Makes sense to me, since this is internal warfare. It's a fight now. You chose to defy in the first verse of the song. From the chorus on...it's a fight.

I think you've got a great start here. The theme is readily apparent and I can almost imagine what it would sound like. On a general note I'd say that overall you could try to add more imagery to your lyrics. There are so many ways to say one thing. Write out what you want to say, and then decide what makes you want to say it. What makes you different than everyone else?

Keep up the good work!
#3
Hmm...well, ty. I guess I'll think bout your pointers. Trouble is I gotta think how any changes would affect the rhythm (and it's kinda a wierd, slow rhythm anwyay, so that makes it hard. ) Honestly tho, I've never had any1 crit me like that. It's very eye-openin. Thanks, man.


Jus keep in mind (everybody, not jus the above poster) that this is a very kinda gloomladen song. The middle stanza has a sorta heavy metal vibe. So, idk, jus keep that in mind I guess. The reason I'm sayin this now, btw, is cuz I forgot to say it before. (oops)
#4
i liked it man see it as like a metal song, not really up my alley but i can still enjoy the lyrics. also about your subject dont worry about it, mine was about addiction, depression and suicide. not a very nice topic either
#5
hi

read the rules in the announcement at the top of this forum,
paying particular attention to the section on titles.

when you've finished reading them, you can re-post this.


*reported*


...
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