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#1
Okay..so we're sitting around in my living room about an hour ago, I was eating a pizza, we were drinking beer, shooting the shit, etc.

This guy we're friends with thinks he is a total pimp with the ladies, he always has sex stories involving milfs, g-milfs, threesomes, etc. We have busted him lying on a few, but oddly, he always has backups, like one time, he brought a 55 year old woman over to my apartment and she was quite hot for her age. A total g-milf- and she actually admitted that they were ****ing for the 2 weeks she was in New York- (he picked her up in Central Park and ****ed her in her hotel a half hour later)..anyways..

So, tonight he told us this new story- I am not sure what to believe, but it made me ridiculously sick. I actually almost threw up and my stomach is still sore- not to mention the mental images it gave me.

He picked up a milf who was probably in her late 30's and he said everything was perfect, nice tits, nice ass, nice face, fit, etc. So he went out for dinner with her, and then she invited him back to her house, she said she was recently divorced and all so he was home free.

Anyways, they got down to it after dinner and this is where I got physically ill. He said that she sucked his dick for abit and kept burping like she couldn't handle it, then she started gagging. He said, "listen, I'm good, lets just do it huh?" and she said, "No I need a good old lickin" (something like that anyway ) and he goes down. So when he got down he said that her pussy was hanging out. I asked him what the hell he meant and he said

"It was literally falling out..like a bunch of sandwich meat over packed into a sandwich"

Then it gets worse. He described it as a pastrami pussy.

"I felt like I was working in a deli and declogging a slicing machine, there was stringy bits and I had to peel it apart. It was like watching a rusty drawbridge open on an old castle.

Then it gets even worse.

After he had finished digging around and peeling various hanging meat curtains apart covered in some liquidy goop he said he was almost unable to carry through with it, she started getting aggressive and he stuck his half limp dick in her and it slowly got hard, and while he was banging her, there was these sounds like a wet mop going into a mop bucket that is to full of water

SQUISH SQUOOP SQUISH SQUOOP

Anyways. After we were done laughing and half done throwing up in our mouths he said he is done with milfs and g-milfs because of the severe damaged goods.

Sorry for the wall of text. If this works out I have a slightly gross story that happened to me.

Discuss
Last edited by MeltingWaxFace at Oct 27, 2008,
#2
Quote by GuitarGod_92
Oh my ***ing god that pron one is like the best one ever and i have seen all of em. Congrats dude you just beat Kensai.
#5
..............
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#6
HOLY SHIT! You damn near caused me to barf. Thanks for the terrible ****in images in my head. Ugh!

It's time for a cigarette jus to erase that shit. Seriously, I'm gonna have a smoke and hope it all goes way. BLURGH!
#8
That's just nursty.
I'm that dude with the fro.
Quote by angus fan16
Long story short, a whale flew out of the ocean, landed next to me and shot like a wall of water straight into my face.
#9
OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!

...
Or not?


Quote by bokma
My first time hasn't come yet.. but when I does, I'm gonna die of stage fright


#10
I'm up for some pastrami, anyone care to join?
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#11
I heard something today at school, dont know where it happened but anyway.
This chick was out clubbing and she was starting dancing with this guy, and eventually they went out back together. She gave him a BJ and got his number and stuff. The next day she had this rash all over her face, so she called her doctor. He didnt know what it was. He called her back a bit later and told her he needed the names of anyone she had gotten with in the last few weeks, so she gave him the guys details. He gave them to the cops, and they searched his house. They found dead people in his house. Turns out the rash was caused by contact with someone who had been having sex with dead people.
I nearly spewed when i heard it...
#12
That is ****ing SICK.

That reminds me of two, both from the same guy, with the same girl.

One was that, when he ****ed her in the ass, she had like...hair right up in her asshole, which was a bit gross.

And the other was, he was going to eat her out or something, and he goes down, and she's got this white stuff in there. And he tells us it was like cottage cheese or something.

I don't remember the whole thing, but just the image was enough to make me almost vomit.
Not to mention she was NOT that hot.


EDIT: and I just finished eating Ugh.
#13
Quote by littlephil
I heard something today at school, dont know where it happened but anyway.
This chick was out clubbing and she was starting dancing with this guy, and eventually they went out back together. She gave him a BJ and got his number and stuff. The next day she had this rash all over her face, so she called her doctor. He didnt know what it was. He called her back a bit later and told her he needed the names of anyone she had gotten with in the last few weeks, so she gave him the guys details. He gave them to the cops, and they searched his house. They found dead people in his house. Turns out the rash was caused by contact with someone who had been having sex with dead people.
I nearly spewed when i heard it...

I call BS.
#14
Quote by littlephil
I heard something today at school, dont know where it happened but anyway.
This chick was out clubbing and she was starting dancing with this guy, and eventually they went out back together. She gave him a BJ and got his number and stuff. The next day she had this rash all over her face, so she called her doctor. He didnt know what it was. He called her back a bit later and told her he needed the names of anyone she had gotten with in the last few weeks, so she gave him the guys details. He gave them to the cops, and they searched his house. They found dead people in his house. Turns out the rash was caused by contact with someone who had been having sex with dead people.
I nearly spewed when i heard it...


jesus christ man
#15
Quote by littlephil
I heard something today at school, dont know where it happened but anyway.
This chick was out clubbing and she was starting dancing with this guy, and eventually they went out back together. She gave him a BJ and got his number and stuff. The next day she had this rash all over her face, so she called her doctor. He didnt know what it was. He called her back a bit later and told her he needed the names of anyone she had gotten with in the last few weeks, so she gave him the guys details. He gave them to the cops, and they searched his house. They found dead people in his house. Turns out the rash was caused by contact with someone who had been having sex with dead people.
I nearly spewed when i heard it...


you finally caught my brother...


Just Kidding.thats sick.
I'm back. Cower in fear, mortals.

Claudio Sanchez is my hero.
#16
i wonder if it looked like a box of tounges...
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
Afterwards I said to her "Why did you blitz my asshole like that?"


#17
Man, that dead person rash sex story I think I've heard and I believe its an urban legend but who knows, it might have some truth.


At the cottage cheese comment- thats what this guy was saying to , he said it was white and stringy and just pure vomit worthy really.

And yeah carbonchemicals, he basically described it as shredded meat hanging out of a hole, like she was "falling out" , box of tongues does kinda describe it I guess..
#19

At the cottage cheese comment- thats what this guy was saying to , he said it was white and stringy and just pure vomit worthy really.

Smegma, maybe? I don't know if women get that..

..I'm so sheltered.
#20
could be a yeast infection
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
Afterwards I said to her "Why did you blitz my asshole like that?"


#23
As long as she tasted of salami, then that's fine with me. I love salami.

Edit: I'm sure there's a nob-cheese/pizza joke there somewhere.

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MUFC


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Berserker.
#24
Quote by Zero-Hartman
As long as she tasted of salami, then that's fine with me. I love salami.


ok what about the cottage cheesy lumps then?
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
Afterwards I said to her "Why did you blitz my asshole like that?"


#27
fk me.... So close to vomiting
^Note: Probably sarcastic
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#30
Quote by littlephil
I heard something today at school, dont know where it happened but anyway.
This chick was out clubbing and she was starting dancing with this guy, and eventually they went out back together. She gave him a BJ and got his number and stuff. The next day she had this rash all over her face, so she called her doctor. He didnt know what it was. He called her back a bit later and told her he needed the names of anyone she had gotten with in the last few weeks, so she gave him the guys details. He gave them to the cops, and they searched his house. They found dead people in his house. Turns out the rash was caused by contact with someone who had been having sex with dead people.
I nearly spewed when i heard it...

yet
#31
I've got a few, although I don't know anyone who it's happened to personally, they do go with this thread.

1. So a guy and his girlfriend are messing around on a couch with nobody home. They Decide they want to try something new sexually and the guy suggests putting skittles in his girls pussy and retrieving them with his tongue. She agrees so the guy puts 4 in and gets them out...but finds one more than he thought he put in. He just ignores this and they continue with there "fun". About a week later the guy is feeling really ill so he goes in to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor runs some tests and finds that the guy had a ball of herpes stuck in his stomach, meaning that one of skittles wasn't a skittle at all.

2. Relatively same story as above, but they used tuna instead, and since it wasn't all cleaned out the girl got a maggot infested pussy.

3. A girl was masturbating home alone one day and was feeling naughty so she decided to try masturbating with a broom handle by sitting up on a high counter or ledge. She got really into the action and fell off the ledge she was on, to be discovered impaled on the floor later on by her parents.

Just some food for thought...
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Amps:
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RIP Kevin Robert Swerdfiger
September 15 1991 - May 16 2008
#32
Quote by carbonchemicals
ok what about the cottage cheesy lumps then?

Shepards Pie

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#33
Quote by littlephil
I heard something today at school, dont know where it happened but anyway.
This chick was out clubbing and she was starting dancing with this guy, and eventually they went out back together. She gave him a BJ and got his number and stuff. The next day she had this rash all over her face, so she called her doctor. He didnt know what it was. He called her back a bit later and told her he needed the names of anyone she had gotten with in the last few weeks, so she gave him the guys details. He gave them to the cops, and they searched his house. They found dead people in his house. Turns out the rash was caused by contact with someone who had been having sex with dead people.
I nearly spewed when i heard it...




That totally destroys threadstarters story.
Quote by Fishyesque
Well, you might make her think otherwise.

You could just show her that you have a PS3 and BANG.

Heterosexual.


Quote by metal4all
A chainsaw can take a girl off her feet pretty nicely. Then there are less limbs to worry about while you rape her.
#34
Quote by kyle100
I've got a few, although I don't know anyone who it's happened to personally, they do go with this thread.

1. So a guy and his girlfriend are messing around on a couch with nobody home. They Decide they want to try something new sexually and the guy suggests putting skittles in his girls pussy and retrieving them with his tongue. She agrees so the guy puts 4 in and gets them out...but finds one more than he thought he put in. He just ignores this and they continue with there "fun". About a week later the guy is feeling really ill so he goes in to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor runs some tests and finds that the guy had a ball of herpes stuck in his stomach, meaning that one of skittles wasn't a skittle at all.

2. Relatively same story as above, but they used tuna instead, and since it wasn't all cleaned out the girl got a maggot infested pussy.

3. A girl was masturbating home alone one day and was feeling naughty so she decided to try masturbating with a broom handle by sitting up on a high counter or ledge. She got really into the action and fell off the ledge she was on, to be discovered impaled on the floor later on by her parents.

Just some food for thought...

A "Ball of herpes"? wtf?
#35
I'm sitting here just repeatedly whispering 'ew' to myself
I no longer want to retrieve my hot pocket from the microwave.

But I can't really say anything since I contributed.
#37
Quote by Zero-Hartman
Shepards Pie


jesus
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
Afterwards I said to her "Why did you blitz my asshole like that?"


#38
I remember literally running out of the room with my hands over my head and yelling when I watched two girls one cup and this almost did the same thing just reading it.
#39
Quote by kyle100
I've got a few, although I don't know anyone who it's happened to personally, they do go with this thread.

1. So a guy and his girlfriend are messing around on a couch with nobody home. They Decide they want to try something new sexually and the guy suggests putting skittles in his girls pussy and retrieving them with his tongue. She agrees so the guy puts 4 in and gets them out...but finds one more than he thought he put in. He just ignores this and they continue with there "fun". About a week later the guy is feeling really ill so he goes in to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor runs some tests and finds that the guy had a ball of herpes stuck in his stomach, meaning that one of skittles wasn't a skittle at all.

2. Relatively same story as above, but they used tuna instead, and since it wasn't all cleaned out the girl got a maggot infested pussy.

3. A girl was masturbating home alone one day and was feeling naughty so she decided to try masturbating with a broom handle by sitting up on a high counter or ledge. She got really into the action and fell off the ledge she was on, to be discovered impaled on the floor later on by her parents.

Just some food for thought...


Nevermind, these destroy all the stories I have ever heard ...but seriously the first one is the stuff of nightmares
Quote by Fishyesque
Well, you might make her think otherwise.

You could just show her that you have a PS3 and BANG.

Heterosexual.


Quote by metal4all
A chainsaw can take a girl off her feet pretty nicely. Then there are less limbs to worry about while you rape her.
#40
Quote by Spamwise
A "Ball of herpes"? wtf?

Yeah it doesn't make sense, but it's the only way the story works really. Just retelling them how I was told.
My Rig:

Guitars:
Schecter C-1 Classic (Deep Sea Green)
Jackson DK2M Snow White Edition
BC Rich Mockingbird Special X

Amps:
Mesa Boogie Express 5:50 212
Roland Microcube

RIP Kevin Robert Swerdfiger
September 15 1991 - May 16 2008
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