#1
crit4crit
SWEET AS A LAMB

He brings you flowers
I take you to eden
He calls you his angel
I build you cathedrals
He buys a teddy bear
With a chocolate treat
I make the cherubim
Bow down at your feet

Despite the sign that I've performed
You still call him Christ the Lord

With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday

Flower up the pen
That fences in the lamb
Oh such a lovely rose
Swaddled by these thorns
So down-to-earth
You float above Heaven
But you fell to your knees
In Gethsemane's garden


Oh, you've been a sheep for so long
That in your sleep you talk like God

With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday
Last edited by themarsvolta at Oct 30, 2008,
#2
it's really good, I like the refrain "With wool on you eyes...", the song is well built and it has an intersting structure. The only thing that I find strange is the part where you say: "You start sweating blood" I think there's a better word to use than blood, I like the different references (religion etc...), all in all it's great work, I'll let you know when my song is finished so that you can re-crit it.

good job.
#3
Quote by themarsvolta

SWEET AS A LAMB

He brings you flowers
I take you to eden
He calls you his angel
I build you cathedrals
He buys a teddy bear
With a chocolate treat
I make the cherubim
Bow down at your feet
I really like this paragraph, it has that cozy feel without being cliche. I don't think you should change anything.


Despite the sign that I've performed
You still call him Christ the Lord
This is almost confusing...Idk if your saying that your jealous of Christ or what.

With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday
This paragraph is pretty cool.

So down-to-earth
You float above Heaven
But you fell to your knees
In Gethsemane's garden
And anyone can tell
You're hot for his love
I think you should find a different word for "Hot", I know that your saying it for the sweating blood part but you set a relaxed feeling at the beginning of this paragraph and "Hot " feels like it kind of doesn't belong
'Cause whenever you kiss
You start sweating blood
Try and find a different word than blood because that just completely alters the mood.
Other than those two suggestions, I really like this paragraph. Good Job.


Oh, you've been a sheep for so long
That in your sleep you talk like God
That's really nice, good job. Maybe, Talk With God? Idk just a suggestion.

With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday



Overall, I really like it, very good job.


You mind looking at mine again? I changed it a bit.
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16912080#post16912080
Last edited by WarriorKlan at Oct 29, 2008,
#4
I like it, the only thing I would change are the words "hot" and "blood". I think they both don't fit and sound somewhat out of place.

Good job on everything else, though.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
SWEET AS A LAMB

He brings you flowers
I take you to eden
He calls you his angel
I build you cathedrals
He buys a teddy bear
With a chocolate treat
I make the cherubim
Bow down at your feet

Decent opener, reads very much like a poem.


Despite the sign that I've performed
You still call him Christ the Lord

This bit would be very cool if it was yelled/growled over a chunky riff


With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday

Something doesnt quite seem right in the wording of the second line... cant quite put my finger on it though


Flower up the pen
That fences in the lamb
Oh such a lovely rose
Swaddled by these thorns
So down-to-earth
You float above Heaven
But you fell to your knees
In Gethsemane's garden

Same as the first verse, very poetic and catchy


Oh, you've been a sheep for so long
That in your sleep you talk like God

Makes a point, i like "you've been a sheep for so long" a lot


With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday



Cant see much that needs changing really, just fit it over the right music and itl be pretty much perfect. keep up the work dude
#6
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
SWEET AS A LAMB

He brings you flowers
I take you to eden
He calls you his angel
I build you cathedrals
He buys a teddy bear
With a chocolate treat
I make the cherubim
Bow down at your feet
i like this part. it shows over and over how you one up the guy and what you do for her.
Despite the sign that I've performed
You still call him Christ the Lord
and then it shows even though you care more it still isnt enough. definitely like the way it starts out.
With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday
good. not much to elaborate on
Flower up the pen
That fences in the lamb
Oh such a lovely rose
Swaddled by these thorns
So down-to-earth
You float above Heaven
But you fell to your knees
In Gethsemane's garden
maybe try...so down-to-earth but you float above Heaven now you fall to your knees? try to keep it all in the same tense. and link it together. only that minor change

Oh, you've been a sheep for so long
That in your sleep you talk like God
i agree with whoever else said it. maybe talk with God. but i like the first line here a ton. it brings everything together
With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday


overall i definitely dig this piece. pretty damn good job.

can you take a look at story of a young man? thanks
#7
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
SWEET AS A LAMB

He brings you flowers
I take you to eden
He calls you his angel
I build you cathedrals
He buys a teddy bear
With a chocolate treat
I make the cherubim
Bow down at your feet

Really great opening, love the whole religious tones of this piece.

Despite the sign that I've performed
You still call him Christ the Lord

With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday

Actually, I think the "with wool on your eyes", is a great line.



Really nice piece, good use of religious symbols and what not. Also I love the user name. The volta = genius.

Pet Names crit would be much appreciated.
this one is for you.
#8
If I were to be honest, I'd say this is hands down my least favorite from you. Normally, you have some deep message or some hidden gritty take on a subject that is normally a cliche tucked into your work. But here, it just seemed to float above the message, hoping that the witty symbolism would carry you through. I needed more substance. I get the message, but it could have been summed up in this: "I give you more than he ever will, but you still love him and not me." I needed emotion behind the sentiment if this was going to work on more than a "it rhymed nice" level.

Also, the flow was terrible in this section:


With wool on your eyes
I find that you taste
Sweet as a lamb
On Easter Sunday

I can't find a way to read that where I like the way it comes off my tongue. This will probably work as a song if you choose to go that route... but as a standalone piece of writing, it lacks.

Thanks for getting to mine.

-zC