#1
An Ex(c)e(ptia)cution, the Ballet of Two.

Now listen;
it'd be a lie to say I've forgotten it.
When the nerve endings pulsate
a shaky cigarette,
know this, woman:
I.
Remember.
Everything.

So, enlighten me.

Why do you still torment me
with your -

(She's got a porcelain perfect smile,
ya know.
They change it up for her
every new performance.
My beautiful, cunning dancer.
She paces alongside the Russian
companies,
and all I see are the pat pat pat
of her masked, callus feet.
Such a twisted, galvanic rhythm.
We,)

- ability to pivot and walk away?
You dive into the obstruction
of normality
with less than the justification
of a heart's unheard whisper.

Where art thou, reason?
Have thee no dance, justice?
I command you,
give me sanctuary!
Release these binding
memories;
suffocate the oppressive
complexities -
and let me laugh, again.
I just want to be able
to say, that
when the time is right,
when a new one comes:
You have me now, woman. - I'm so helplessly in love with you.

But too delayed,
is the rapture of dispertire.
Part me now into
the white rapids of silence,
and leave me be;
for the fragrance of
rationality is a smell deemed
foul, in the broken heart of
a man.

When it's over,
some people throw roses on the stage.
I just, find the men's
and throw up.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Oct 27, 2008,
#3
you.
i ****ing love you.
you you you you you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
I was expecting the 'We,)' to lead to something later on, consumed a bit of my attention. But

the piece was far to commanding for that to be a bother. Will you go away and get published already? Geez, making the rest of us look bad.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
well.. i think this is extremely well written. the only things that bother me at the stanza that interrupts "your ... -ability". I know it's a very striking, but to me it distracted a bit from piece rather than adding to it. the only other thing i noticed is that you have a very poetic tendency, which personally at times to me as a reader can be a bit grating but you pull it off very well, so even though certain parts certainly don't fit my style, it's well done. the first stanza by the way: brilliant. the whole thing is a really powerful opener, i really like it

and if you find the time care to crit my latest? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987759
#8
damn, what a messy title. >.<


you're quite the dancer, yourself, Kent.
very conversational/earthy in the opening
then more thoughtful in the parenthetical.
melodrama follows, with an air of tragedy and impending doom.
the little flourish at the end,
throwing roses and throwing up,
punctuates the piece beautifully.
we're pretty much back where we started,
but you've covered most of the floor or stage along the way.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
SYK has said what I have always wanted to say. Thanks.

- "They change it up for her
every new performance." - I don't like the wording of this. This piece is already stuttered with stops and starts (it adds to make up a wonderfully cumbersome atmosphere) I don't really want to read anymore of that style.

I really like the bracket section actually. I love the break in flow; creates a immense sensation of disconnection. You already know that, of course, or else you wouldn't have wrote it.
Maybe that's what makes you so technically and emotionally 'in it': you know excatly how you want the piece to turn out like. I could be totally off the ball there but it's just a quick theory.

- "You dive into the obstruction
of normality
with less than the justification" - I don't like the 'big' words here.

- "Where art thou, reason?
Have thee no dance, justice?
I command you,
give me sanctuary!" - I love the way this is so elegant - It really does feel like your witnessing a Russian dancer in action.

- "suffocate the oppressive
complexities - " - once again with the large words. It just doesn't click with me in this piece I'm afraid.

- "But too delayed,
is the rapture of dispertire.
Part me now into
the white rapids of silence,
and leave me be;
for the fragrance of
rationality is a smell deemed
foul, in the broken heart of
a man. " - This is just fantastic writing, Kent. The extended words and complicated rythym is tight and precise, without being overtly pristine.

The ending is typically awesome.

Digitally Clean
#10
There are so many fantastic lines in here. If I had written something a fraction as good as some of the stuff you have here, I would have stayed up into the wee hours trying to replicate it. And this piece is chock ****ing full of them.

However, I DO believe (as Dan had said) that sometimes - SOMETIMES - the words do get a little to much to handle. By themselves, they're fine. But sometimes, we get alot of them in a row, and that was alot to take it. I think you handled them very well, but it was still a little discomforting.

But the piece, as a whole, is very elegant, yet very precise. It's one of my favorites from you.

for the fragrance of
rationality is a smell deemed
foul, in the broken heart of
a man


This was so good I shit my pants.
#11
Quote by Ninjamonkey767


However, I DO believe (as Dan had said) that sometimes - SOMETIMES - the words do get a little to much to handle. By themselves, they're fine. But sometimes, we get alot of them in a row, and that was alot to take it. I think you handled them very well, but it was still a little discomforting.


This.

As much as I hate to do this comparison (due to different styles) the parenthetical statements and usage just isn't as fluid for you yet as it is for skag. I know its different; but I'm trying to show something you can grasp on. You know how his are really fluid and the parenthesis just set off a different tone to read in etc; you're getting closer to making them fluid, but its not quite there yet.

This was still a very pleasant read; and deserved a bump. But I thought I would try to add something constructive in my bump too.
#12
thank you guys, i'll be returning crits as soon as i can.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Just to make sure you heard me the first time: i ****ing love you

"Where art thou, reason?
Have thee no dance, justice?
I command you,
give me sanctuary!
Release these binding
memories;
suffocate the oppressive
complexities -
and let me laugh, again.
I just want to be able
to say, that
when the time is right,
when a new one comes:
You have me now, woman. - I'm so helplessly in love with you. "
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
Quote by ottoavist
An Ex(c)e(ptia)cution, the Ballet of Two.

Now listen;
it'd be a lie to say I've forgotten it.
When the nerve endings pulsate
a shaky cigarette,
know this, woman:
I.
Remember.
Everything.
periods feel a little odd but it does what it needs to

So, enlighten me.

Why do you still torment me
with your -

(She's got a porcelain perfect smile,
ya know.
They change it up for her
every new performance.
My beautiful, cunning dancer.
She paces alongside the Russian
companies,
and all I see are the pat pat pat
of her masked, callus feet.
Such a twisted, galvanic rhythm.
We,)
fantastic imagery

- ability to pivot and walk away? pivot works really well witht he previous dancer images
You dive into the obstruction
of normality
with less than the justification
of a heart's unheard whisper.

Where art thou, reason?
Have thee no dance, justice?
I command you,
give me sanctuary!
Release these binding
memories;
suffocate the oppressive
complexities -
and let me laugh, again.
I just want to be able
to say, that
when the time is right,
when a new one comes:
You have me now, woman. - I'm so helplessly in love with you.
The torment is perfectly viewable, yes. The wordplay is also lovely. However, together, as nice as it is to read, it doesn't ring as genuine to me.

But too delayed,
is the rapture of dispertire.
Part me now into
the white rapids of silence, oooh =] love that line
and leave me be;
for the fragrance of
rationality is a smell deemed
foul, in the broken heart of
a man.
Last 4 lines are my favorite. Hit the right notes.

When it's over,
some people throw roses on the stage.
I just, find the men's
and throw up.
'To throw up' seems so plain with the rest of the poem, but it's just a minor thing

I tried being constructive, but all in all, I am thoroughly impressed. This was a very, very pleasurable read.
I'll be looking forward to the next one.
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