#1
after all this sorrow and your lost and broken word
i'm uttering pointless hellos, in futile attempt to be heard
in the stygian atmosphere, i'll cry for a faint light
i'll cut these corners tight to make sure that you're alright

you're a walking riddle, you live in a state of dismay
but after today I don't think that I can stay
i hate to say this but I think you're on your own
i can't stand to bare the ignorance you've shown
mature is not the word to use
to describe the things you've chosen and the people whom you lose

you stop, look, and turn away; how do you think I feel?
in effort to forget; you think this friendship is a steal?
i look down upon all that I have done
only to be staring through the barrel of a gun
this is what I deserve, right? this is what I get?
this is how it really ends, yeah? this is goodbye


wat do u think?
UG's condensed package of adrenaline

i am not liable for anything stated above
▼ but he is ▼
#2
Quote by itsxsteves
after all this sorrow and your lost and broken word
i'm uttering pointless hellos, in futile attempt to be heard
in the stygian atmosphere, i'll cry for a faint light
Great. Love it.
i'll cut these corners tight to make sure that you're alright
The light, tight, and alright seem kind of forced... simply taking out the tight would probably resolve this.

you're a walking riddle, you live in a state of dismay
but after today I don't think that I can stay
Again, the rhyming seems forced.... Dismay/today/stay just makes it a little choppy.
i hate to say this but I think you're on your own
i can't stand to bare the ignorance you've shown
mature is not the word to use
to describe the things you've chosen and the people whom you lose
These last 4 lines are amazing, don't change them

you stop, look, and turn away; how do you think I feel?
in effort to forget; you think this friendship is a steal?
i look down upon all that I have done
only to be staring through the barrel of a gun
this is what I deserve, right? this is what I get?
this is how it really ends, yeah? this is goodbye
I like this ending, seems to take a slight twist... it ties up this little number quite nicely.


wat do u think?


Apart from the predictable rhyming patterns, I enjoyed reading this... With a few changes this would be great, I like the idea you're going for.
#3
Quote by Niki (guitar)
Apart from the predictable rhyming patterns, I enjoyed reading this... With a few changes this would be great, I like the idea you're going for.

thanks!
i was hoping id get some good crit in here!!
is there anything else, any techniques or thing i should use? or remember?
UG's condensed package of adrenaline

i am not liable for anything stated above
▼ but he is ▼
#4
after all this sorrow and your lost and broken word
i'm uttering pointless hellos, in futile attempt to be heard
in the stygian atmosphere, i'll cry for a faint light
i'll cut these corners tight to make sure that you're alright

perfect. Don't change a thing.

you're a walking riddle, you live in a state of dismay
but after today I don't think that I can stay
i hate to say this but I think you're on your own
i can't stand to bare the ignorance you've shown
mature is not the word to use
to describe the things you've chosen and the people whom you lose

this part seemed kind of clumsy to me. I'd change the last line to "to describe the things you choose and the people you lose" it keeps the rhyming pattern of the rest of the song, and flows off the tongue easier.

you stop, look, and turn away; how do you think I feel?
in effort to forget; you think this friendship is a steal?
i look down upon all that I have done
only to be staring through the barrel of a gun
this is what I deserve, right? this is what I get?
this is how it really ends, yeah? this is goodbye

pretty damn good.


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I really liked it. It flows nicely for the most part, and the message comes across clearly. You get two thumbs up from me.

I'd appreciate it if you would look at my song "The Poisoning Of Our Minds" its the first link in my sig. Thanks.