#1
i won't ever forget that train ride home,
we laughed off track and covered our smiles with our
hands to hide our nervous teeth,
your fingers were wringing sweat and
your eyes so damp and sweet,
i cursed the salt that soured your stares
and kissed you in the darkest seat beneath the
conductor's wail and the passenger's cautioned awareness,

olivia i am here if you ever get lonely again.
#4
i didn't like this one that much.

this just...seems as if it's been done a million times.

feel free to disregard this, as i don't comment on what i do or do not like with your work often enough to be considered valid.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
ottoavist i can agree with you definitely. it isn't anything special, its just a personal piece and i kind of like it, though its obviously nothing spectacular.
#6
Quote by rushmore
ottoavist i can agree with you definitely. it isn't anything special, its just a personal piece and i kind of like it, though its obviously nothing spectacular.


^this and

sometimes this kind of thing just has to be written
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Quote by culex-knight
sometimes this kind of thing just has to be written
fuck.
this is what i meant to say.
i know your capabilities(only from what you post) - you're an astounding writer, no but's about it.
write whatever the fuck you want, i'll still be reading, either way.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
I love this poem! and I detest poetry. Its well written and to the point, no pompous over the top language, very smooth phrasing, a pleasure to read.
#9
Quote by ottoavist
fuck.
this is what i meant to say.
i know your capabilities(only from what you post) - you're an astounding writer, no but's about it.
write whatever the fuck you want, i'll still be reading, either way.


haha i get what you meant, don;t worry about it. and thanks a lot.

and culex (name?) what you said is exactly right.

oh anddd ravioli thank you very much.
Last edited by rushmore at Oct 27, 2008,
#11
This is sweet and the images are vivid. It doesn't mean much to me, but as you stated above, this isn't meant to be spectacular.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#12
Quote by rushmore
i won't ever forget that train ride home,
we laughed off track and covered our smiles with our
hands to hide our nervous teeth,i think this would be better if you got rid of the other two "ours" and made it "covered our smiles with hands to hid nervous teeth". It just flows better and then put the line break after" hands"
your fingers were wringing sweat and
your eyes so damp and sweet,
i cursed the salt that soured your stares
and kissed you in the darkest seat line break here, not after "the"beneath the
conductor's wail and the passenger's cautioned awareness,

olivia i am here if you ever get lonely again.


Sure, tis been done before, but this is some of the best "done-before" i've seen, if that makes sense. The biggest issue in this was flow, but still very enjoyable. Hope I helped. Sig is full of links if you want to give them a read
#13
well as has been said this is a been there done that poem, but i mean we all write those, and often we write those on purpose. while i find it a bit tiresome as a piece, many times poetry is a personal confessional, and this is one of those pieces. the last line especially, and if the poem vents for you and the one you write for then it has done what it needed.

as a specific note: as kdownes said the word "our" repeats a bit much in the beginning. i do like the second to last line though, particularly "passenger's cautioned awareness." it flows nicely in the piece.
#14
thanks all. i will be returning crits after i get some sleep and am in the right state of mind to offer any actual constructive criticism.
#15
As much as I agree with Kent and co about how this is not spectacular, I still think that the phrase, 'it's good, but not your best and far from great' is a bit daft.
When I write something, I'm not trying to top the previous piece in any way. Each individual poem/song/whatever is just as important to me and as personal as any of the others.
Of course, some people (the audience) will attach themselves to different pieces in different ways, which is totally understandable, but why does something need to be superior than the others?

This is pretty. The idea is overused, yes, but so is love - it's been done to death - people still go back for more and maintain the most beautiful standard of penmanship when talking about it. It's an unquenchable reservoir of imagery and thoughts.

If anything, I would say I wasn't that keen on some of the wording that you used, but I don't feel its necessary to mention them, I'm only being very picky, needlessly so.

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