#1
As i lay here
Supposed to be sleeping
But I cannot.
It's just so windy
Outside,like a
Thunderstorm
(Thunderstorm) I
Said I'd fall asleep
Seems like I lied.

Tommorow I'll be
So tired, I wont
Be able to pay
attention, or
understand, or
be quiet, or even
not annoying

CHORUS (?)
How I'll be so
Tired because I
Didn't go to bed
When you said
So here I am
Writing this poem

Now it's calm maybe
I should go to
Bed, or stay up
Like a bad boy
Like a tired boy
Like a boy,
Like a boy...

I should be in bed
But I wrote this instead.

C4C,any sugestions, all that jazz....
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
Last edited by nowa90 at Oct 27, 2008,
#2
Hmm...I have a solution. Sleepin pills. Honestly, your song jus doesn't speak to me. Maybe it's cuz ot's bout lack of sleep. Or insomnia or watever. It needs more I think. A better theme would be best, imho.
#3
Quote by rockhardmetal
Hmm...I have a solution. Sleepin pills. Honestly, your song jus doesn't speak to me. Maybe it's cuz ot's bout lack of sleep. Or insomnia or watever. It needs more I think. A better theme would be best, imho.

thanks for criting,but it becaus eit was a storm outside..
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#4
boring... but your a naughty boy for staying up late.
Member # 5 of Can't we forget about all the subgenres and just ROCK? club

#5
i just looked at the title, 'as I lay here' should be 'as I lie here'. Unless using the wrong tense was intentional.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
Quote by meh!
i just looked at the title, 'as I lay here' should be 'as I lie here'. Unless using the wrong tense was intentional.
no crit?
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#7
It's well written, but you chose a topic that just doesn't have enough meaning; if there was a thought or memory keeping you up, then it could work, but this just doesn't have enough importance, although I know how much it sucks to not be able to sleep; more nights than not, I have that problem.
#8
Good, Nothing to crit,

It's a true problem

Ps= I don't know english poetry^^, i'm italian
R.I.P.
Chuck Schuldiner 1967-2001
Ronnie James Padavona 1942-2010
Darrell Lance Abbott 1966-2004
Jon Nödtveidt 1975-2006
Per Yngve Ohlin 1969-1991
Øystein Aarseth 1968-1993
Joe Ptaceck 1973-2010
Ace Börje Thomas Forsberg 1966-2004
#9
It's nice and it's starts well but maybe the theme is a little boring in it.

Lots of potential

Edit: And thanks for the crit on my song.
Last edited by Wesku2 at Nov 5, 2008,
#10
Quote by Wesku2
It's nice and it's starts well but maybe the theme is a little boring in it.

Lots of potential

thanks
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.