#1
ok, so I wrote this free flow piece yesterday, It's about me and my best friend. please leave some good feedback on what I need to work on and etc.

Its hard, when the girl you love as your friend,
when the girl you love to do crazy shit with,
when the girl you love to hang around with
when the girl you've liked for quite some while.
She says to you that she think she's getting feelings for you.

You get stricken by all kinds of weird thoughts,
they run through you like a scissor through paper.
I can see all these questions passing me, but like
a stenographer without keys, I have nothing.
I have no reply, no comment, no nothing.

Afraid.
Afraid to jeopardize the friendship,
you let your feelings skip,
they all went down with a sinking ship.
Now I'll never feel her loving lip.

Dreaming about the cold water,
bad feelings are sent to the slaughter.
No more will I neglect my love,
I'm taking off the silent glove.
#2
Not bad.

My advice, got out with her.

Bout the song, I think a lot of people will relate. Nice use of free form.
#3
thanks mate , It kinda just happened, we have a straaange relationship, but yeah, I will try
#4
Good sir, that first verse represents how my relationship started, i Instantly thought this was a great piece, for free flow, i couldn't do any better, well done, and it's a strange feeling isn't it when you're best friend tells you she loves you?

Gibson Buckethead Les Paul & Peter Frampton Les Paul
Dean Razorback Slime Bumblebee
Mesa Boogie Dual Rectifier
EHX Memory Man/Hazarai
Digitch Whammy
Sovtek Straight 4x12
Herdim Picks
Laney Linebacker 50 Reverb
MXR Phase 90
#5
TheFly_1990 yes sir it is, especially when you have had feeling all along :P. thanks for the nice crits
#6
You're very loose when it comes to structure, which allows you to come across in a more creative way, but the subject matter is very cliche. I'd like to see more of your work when you post it up, but this kind of thing has been done many times.
#7
I understand what you mean with cliche mate, but, I just wrote what came to mind, at first I started abit unstructured with poor rhymes, and later it developes in to a structured rhyme pattern. And I'm very proud of it beeing that my previouse crits have been: poor rhyme structure and hard to relate too.
#8
BTW Ninjamonkey767. I've made some thoughts bout what u said, and cliche is kind of a strong word to it, the subject has been seen many times, but I dont think I used any sentences that is cliche in the text, correct me if I'm wrond, it's just that I have never seen it before