#1
newly written. c4c of couse

but now you see, my darling, why i gave myself to you

sunny day in central park
and i cant help but feel detached
everyone acts so god damn happy
but i know (o believe i know)
that's not what's really going on
a couple share a glass of wine upon the grass
(a rather cheap bottle of cabernet savignon)
i bet he's inconsiderate to every women he's been with
i bet she's too naive to even know the man's
a dog, that he
'll dissect her heart to get what he wants
and when the blood is drained, she'll raise hell
for what he did
and if not he'll say
"it's not you it's me"
and leave the rest of life (once
a forgone conclusion, now a flickering
light) unsaid.
that's the finest crafted line
code for: frankly my dear
i never gave a damn

all of life
we cynics play a tired sport
but today
i sit this one out, hope for
another game; and of course
that backfires (same story again):
I become the fiddle
I chose not what is played
You are the fiddler
a virtuoso they say
but i still wait
(p
a
u
s
e)
open up the songbook
see page fiftyone
swing low sweet chariot
what a ****ing brilliant song
#2
A cynic, you say? I think you’re right. Good writing. I was seeing it all as I was reading it. I especially liked…

all of life
we cynics play a tired sport
but today
i sit this one out, hope for
another game; and of course
that backfires (same story again):
I become the fiddle
I chose not what is played
You are the fiddler
a virtuoso they say
but i still wait

Brilliant! You get the reader feeling just as cynical as you.

Good job!

C4C
A Like Mind Is Born
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987765
#4
For a fellow cynic

I could really relate to this piece, so I think I can understand it more than some of the people reading this. I think it is well written, but I think that if your aim was to realyl express the cynicism, then perhaps you should've chosen a different subject to write about. For exaple, I would personally write about a government, about media or about humanity itself (although these themes risk becoming political).

I love the second stanza. The fact that it ends on what it does not only gives it a very humorous (though slightly sad?) tone, but also manages to express your inability to do anything.

Great read, I really liked it

Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987872
#6
It's a little too straightforward for my tastes.

But I did really, really like the closing lines.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
First off, let me say that I really enjoyed this piece. The first stanza was great. It painted a very vivid image and the message/scenery was one that was all too true. The only line that I really didn't like was the "if not he'll say". I think you could change it to "and then she'll say". Makes a bit more sense to me. (Also, nice Gone with the Wind reference at the end of the first stanza. ).
I think you could seperate the second stanza between the sport part and the fiddle part(after same story again), but that's very mnor. I did like the fiddler/violin imagery. The sports imagery I wasn't a fan of. This piece is filled with somewhat romantic imagery (wine, parks, violins) and sports don't convey a romantic atmosphere (for me at least). Anyways, great job, man.

Crit mine please
Sweet as a Lamb
#8
The last stanza is very good.
This has some neat ideas and good images, and the overall concept I like very much. However, your cynicism could show through more. It was stated and explained and even visualized, and artfully so, but within the lovely language I didn't see YOUR frustration, just a frustrating situation and your stated dislike of the game.
Also, the pause thing was unnecessary.. it looks cool but it doesn't help your poem much. A hyphen would do.

Don't let any of that make you think that I didn't enjoy this. I did, very much. It was a lovely read. Good work, mate.


oh, if you have time, a crit would be appreciated =]
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=988074
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e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Oct 30, 2008,