In Memoriam: Verse and Chorus

I don't think that I understand
What is going on inside your head
Something seems to be disturbing you
Some long lost memories

Situations come and go
but memories last forever
there's something you must know
I'd rather tell you now than never
i like it.. especially the 2nd part
the first part didnt really make sense at first, but as i try harder, i eventually get the point.

good job.
Quote by Moggan13
Serjem is like a Bishops testicals: Swollen
IIIIfb * KARKOLI * ytIIII(mostly rock... a little funky, a little hard just the way you want it )
Considering it isn't complte yet, it's a pretty good piece/start. I think the third line of the first stanza could use some revision. For some reason, it seems a bit too long. (maybe i just read weird though). Also I'm not sure if "disturbing" is the right word. i think you could find a much stronger/clearer word than that. Also I feel that in the second stanza that two halves don't mesh together well. The lines are good, but they don't seem to fit together as well as they should. Also, the last line could use some tweaking. i don't know what it is, but i feel that it's not living up to its full potential. Anyways, i hope have the rest of the piece up soon, so i can read it.

Crit mine please
Sweet as a Lamb