#1
I don't know what to think of this one. I felt really good writing it, but not so good reading it. In fact, I'm starting to loathe the piece. But I still feel that it's decent. I dunno. Have at it, S&L'ers! (and i didn't want to bump my last piece, so just let me say thanks for all your kindness and thanks for reading me).

Autumn has come again
(i was hoping summer would never end).
Like a swift fire, the woods are ablaze
with the shades of change,
painting the mountain with
la revolucion
Not stopping until
every leaf has been turned.

There will be no survivors.

Instead, England will
spiral into darkness
(the darkness of winter).
People will huddle for warmth
they will pray to their crosses,
pleading for shelter.
But only when the past is erased
may the blanket lift
and show the fertile soil beneath.

A new era will spring forth

Where bees are busy
and pollen is plenty
and giant oaks
give their shade
to their favorite blades
(because of this, they now hold sway)
But when the cruel heat
taxes you to death, remember
Autumn is just around the corner.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 28, 2008,
#2
the sequence is slightly troubling on this one, Ben.

you go right through autumn in S1, then plough into winter.
this is stated in future tense.

then:
A new era springs forth
this puts spring/summer in the present.

I think ya gotta change springs to will spring.

does, a few lines earlier might be better as can or will.
but you've used will a few times, so probably can.


i like your use of singletons. they're simple and strong.
Meadows
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#3
Autumn has come again
(i was hoping summer would never end).
This line could use a bit of changing around to fit the syllable count; nothing big, just something along the lines of 'I'd hoped summer would never end' or 'I was hoping summer wouldn't end'. Or you could go in a different direction with the wording. I'll leave that authorial business to you.
Like a swift fire, the woods are ablaze
with the shades of change,
painting the mountain with
la revolucion
This didn't make sense in context; your writing of/within England. Unless you're implying that the Spanish are the tormentors of the poem, but it is clear that's not the case. IMO just 'revolution' would be great, no need to go over the top with Spanish which isn't fluent with the rest of the poem. Still, with or without these are probably my favorite few lines right here.
Not stopping until
every leaf has been turned.

There will be no survivors.
The trouble with this is that directly after you're speaking of people huddling together, which isn't constant with this statement.

Instead, England will
spiral into darkness
(the darkness of winter).
Perhaps something other than darkness here? Good opportunity for some good ol' fashion imagery.
People will huddle for warmth
they will pray to their crosses,
pleading for shelter.
But only when the past is erased
may the blanket lift
and show the fertile soil beneath.

A new era will spring forth
P-p-p-pun intended.

Where bees are busy
and pollen is plenty
and giant oaks
give their shade
to their favorite blades
This could do without this line. In fact, I highly suggest you remove it. For some reason - perhaps the triplet and that it just seems thrown in for rhyming purposes - it makes this potentially great section seem corny.
(because of this, they now hold sway)
But when the cruel heat
taxes you to death, remember
The continuity error in perspective becomes clear here. Started with I, then went to They, then to You. Perhaps this should be Us instead of You. Small observation, a bit distracting though.
Autumn is just around the corner.


Everything I mentioned is a relatively quick fix if you chose to do so, so don't think because I picked up mostly on the bad that I didn't enjoy it. There were no big flaws or parts I really disliked; it was a good piece and I think with a few aforementioned changes it could be a good bit better.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
Quote by Ninjamonkey767


Autumn has come again
(i was hoping summer would never end).
Like a swift fire, the woods are ablaze
with the shades of change,
painting the mountain with
la revolucion
Not stopping until
every leaf has been turned.
I liked this first stanza, especially from the 3rd to the 6th line.

There will be no survivors.

Instead, England will
spiral into darkness
(the darkness of winter).
^ I think "Winter's darkness" sounds better, but that's just my opinion. it may ruin the flow or something.
People will huddle for warmth
they will pray to their crosses,
pleading for shelter.
But only when the past is erased
may the blanket lift
and show the fertile soil beneath.
This was not as strong as the beginning, especially because you waste three lines saying almost the same thing (3rd to 5th lines)

A new era will spring forth

Where bees are busy
and pollen is plenty
and giant oaks
give their shade
to their favorite blades
(because of this, they now hold sway)
But when the cruel heat
taxes you to death, remember
Autumn is just around the corner.
I was enjoying this stanza until the last line. Don't know, just doesn't click...


I think if you could work better on the second stanza this can become a very strong piece. As it is, it has some cool imagery but not much development.
#6
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I don't know what to think of this one. I felt really good writing it, but not so good reading it. In fact, I'm starting to loathe the piece. But I still feel that it's decent. I dunno. Have at it, S&L'ers! (and i didn't want to bump my last piece, so just let me say thanks for all your kindness and thanks for reading me).

Autumn has come again
(i was hoping summer would never end). that sounds elementary
Like a swift fire, the woods are ablaze
with the shades of change,
painting the mountain with
la revolucion
Not stopping until
every leaf has been turned.
nice image, but it took me a few reads to like it and fully 'see' it.

There will be no survivors.

Instead, England will
spiral into darkness
(the darkness of winter). I'm trying to figure out the purpose of the parentheses.. we'll see
People will huddle for warmth
they will pray to their crosses,
pleading for shelter.
But only when the past is erased
may the blanket lift
and show the fertile soil beneath.
Last two lines are clear, vivid..

A new era will spring forth

Where bees are busy
and pollen is plenty
and giant oaks
give their shade
to their favorite blades Ah! Great flow in the previous 3 lines
(because of this, they now hold sway)
But when the cruel heat
taxes you to death, remember
Autumn is just around the corner.


There's a lot to take in with this, and bits and parts are all intriguing seperately, but they don't seem cohesive when read together. As I read each bit individually, it was well enjoyed - there are some really clever images and lines - but it didn't strike much of a chord as a whole. Your skill definitely shows; I think it just needs some more editing.
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