#1
Hey guys, this is an untitled, unfinished wrong that I'm working on. It is intended as a prog metal song, think of it sang in Opeth-style growled vocals.

Coldness of the breath
Taints the pale skin
Ornament of death
Instrument of sin

Eyes of porcelain
Drowning in the night
Tears conjure the pain
Concentrate the fright

The pestilence of her cries
Mirrors the barren lands
Burdened by restrictions
Of a silent deity
Burdened by affliction
Of a screaming poverty
#3
Of all 3 stanzas i like the second one the best. You can make a song out of the second stanza.
I HAVE A BAND NAMED FALLING CONFESSIONS
AND I PLAY LEAD GUITAR
AND I P0WN!!!



"When there's a freakin' will, there is always a freakin' way!"
#5
I really like it, but I think it is a bit short and the last stanza seems a bit of an anti-climax.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#6
The last two lines definitely add a new feel to the song, I feel like they could open up into a lot more.
One snag I had was "restrictions of a silent deity." If the deity stays silent, how does it restrict? How can silence burden? Maybe if you change "silent" to "malevolent," or something like that...some other adjective that implies a little more action.
But in general I think its killer. Its got a brutal feel, but still retains a sense of subtlety.
Give us more.
#7
Quote by OutOfPhase
One snag I had was "restrictions of a silent deity." If the deity stays silent, how does it restrict?

The paradox you mentioned is exactly intentional. The song is about a girl who is dying, because people in her small village community refuse to help her, believing it is God's will. The line here shows the irrationality of their idea that God wants this, even though God does not actually say anything. Hope that clears things up a bit, I'm definitely going to develop this theme int he next few stanzas, as the first two were just describing the girl herself.

Thank you for the crits guys, I'll make sure to get to the pieces I haven't yet critted
#8
thnx for crit my poem, You use the word playing very good, I also like the rhyming but somehow I can't relate to your poem. Maybe it's because everyone has other feelings

write some more poems
#11
Quote by philbertfwog
That actually looks like Opeth lyrics. Good job.
Hey thats what I was gunna say. GOOD JOB! hope this turn out to be a song.