#1
"Death and Warfare" by yours truly

This song could, I guess, be bout depression. Not a nice topic, but hey, the muse struck, right?

Edit: So, I decided to add a bridge. I sorta looked at the bridge from the perspective of a woman talkin to the main protagonist, telling the protagonist that she has the answer. So, the woman teaches the protagonist, and he is encouraged. Tell me wat ya think.


Verse 1:
My fears seek to drown me once again
But I refuse to succumb to darkness
My fears wish for my final madness
And I will not satisfy

Chorus:
I won't die on your command
Ever I live on til my end
Only God will command my death
Death and warfare
This is spiritual warfare
I fight against darkness
Death and warfare

Verse 2:
Despair wishes me to fall prey
But I defy the utter sadness and the evil
Despair claws coldly at my mind
I won't answer the door

Chorus

This is the part I jus added. Tell me wat ya think.
Bridge:
Broken soul, come with me
I will end the warfare of your heart
I will tell you of the great peacemaker
I will teach you of the way to live
In the long, dark cold, I learned to survive
Come, with me, I will give you of my life
Take my hand, and you'll soon understand

End:
I've died a thousand times
Trying to stave off these feelings
I've died a thousand times
Falling from the weight of my soul
And I resurrect myself this final time
This is the last time I'll feel depressed


c4c!
Last edited by rockhardmetal at Oct 28, 2008,
#2
Haha its mildly depressing, but it would make a killer metal song i bet.

One thing i would do is to simply change "Upon your command" in the chorus to "on your command"
#3
great song, you chose good words to make it sounds more attaching somehow
you should defenitily write some more
#4
Quote by MetalxPyschokid
great song, you chose good words to make it sounds more attaching somehow
you should defenitily write some more


Like wat kinda words? Idk. Gimme a feelin some1. Somethin more tangible plz. But ty everyone for ur opinions. They're really helpin me.
#5
okay, so it's a metal song, so I'm not expecting anything to flash, but still, it would be nice if you could maybe just colour it up a little. Nothing over the top though. Maybe just a metaphor or two. Make this stand outf rom a field of very similar songs. Also, it's very repetitive, you don't really develop your idea, it starts and ends on the same emotional note. If you work a bit of build up into this, it would be perfect.
#6
nice lyrics, you managed to stay in the same domain nicely however a bridge would be nice, where you add more colour, less darkness. The use of the word warfare is very good you make it ring, all in all it's very good.
#7
Well lemme try smoe things. Unfortunately, the way I originally wrote it, the music was the main part of it. Ya see, the song is really based off the really gloomy riff in Gminor and then E minor. As a result, a lot of the 'flash', so to speak, comes from the vocals playin off of that and the Chorus riff. Also, the solo (yet to be written) is gonna be pretty big. Lots of classical-type stuff w/ a good central melody. (Think Steve Vai's song "For the Love of God" but shorter and with a different style. But that kinda flash.) So, I'm workin on a big sorta metaphor. Maybe the bridge could be that. Idk, man. Gimme some time. This is gonna take while.
Last edited by rockhardmetal at Oct 28, 2008,
#8
I feel everything is there but the story needs to unfold a bit more its like you want hope but your in the third person prospective view and in chaos , i look forward to the finished item....nice one.
my bagder stares at me.....
#9
That's very good - particularly the bridge. The change of perspective is VERY effective. The end is also very good. Only complaint i would have is the chorus, it seems rather cliche tbh, something i've heard 1000s of times in metal. Although personally i waver in and out of love with metal, so that could just be me.
#10
Well, every1, tyvm for ur comments and crit. They've really helped. I think I've decided to make this the final version (at least lyricwise; I still need to work out some more music). So, tyvm. And if any1 needs me to crit anythin, jus PM me. Peace!
#11
This is okay, the verses were pretty solid, but I didn't really like the chorus - it simply didn't have the feel of bringing everything together that a chorus should have and didn't stand out at all. I can't really relate to it however, but I think you should certainly change the chorus
#12
I'm sorry, but I didn't like this. It just sounds like a cliché metal song, with many repetitions of dark words. The chorus was too much around the same, which I don't dig... Overall, it was a monotonous song, like every other metal song.

My advice for metal songs is that they can be metal and deviate from the main metal topics and its clichéd songwriting. Hope you understand, if not, PM me and I'll explain it better.
#13
I’m changing verse 1 and the chorus only as a suggestion. I wanted to try and polish it up some.
Grandiose and all that. I believe for a song like this, you really need to try and spice up the message so that it does not come off bland. Other than that, good job. Oh yeah, remember…This is only an opinion.

Verse 1:
My fears seek to drown me once again
hold me under what is prophesized
they chant for me to seek my final end

And I will not satisfy

Chorus:
You say I will die on your command
Ever I live on til my end
Only God will command my death
So you deceive yourself, my friend
Death and warfare
When the spiritual armies ride
The soldiers of darkness die

Death and warfare

Verse 2:
Despair wishes me to fall prey
But I defy the utter sadness and the evil
Despair claws coldly at my mind
I won't answer the door

Chorus

This is the part I jus added. Tell me wat ya think.
Bridge:
Broken soul, come with me
I will end the warfare of your heart
I will tell you of the great peacemaker
I will teach you of the way to live
In the long, dark cold, I learned to survive
Come, with me, I will give you of my life
Take my hand, and you'll soon understand

End:
I've died a thousand times
Trying to stave off these feelings
I've died a thousand times
Falling from the weight of my soul
And I resurrect myself this final time
This is the last time I'll feel depressed