#1
wow, this is pretty embarrasing to put up because i know it's awful, but i need the help more than i need my pride (for now atleast! haha) so here's what i've got:

Take me to the forests where tall trees grow
Or to the river where the old king sleeps
Let's just be quiet now, don't speak even a peep
For tomorrow we can all be silent and free

Let's all stop all the noise and confusion
And free ourselves for a great revolution
When you can hear the sound of mist moving
You'll be able to see how much we're improving

We'll all take a break, and listen to nature
The sound of clouds clashing, like giants of paper
Sometimes we seem to forget we are breathing
But always remember why we are seething

So lets stop all this tiresome illusion
And prepare ourselves for the next evolution
Once we can see all the beauty that's there
We can all take a breath of the freshest of air.


critique (i can take it harsh! as long as its productive hahah) is greatly welcomed. thanks!
#2
I like it, really, I do. I used to be big into poetry, but have found my recent entries to be somewhat lacking.

As a poet, I really like what you've written here; it's definitely got a deeper meaning than what most lyricists can come up with, nowadays.
#3
read the rules m8 about titles.

Otherwise, before they close this thread, good first try. Keep it up.

Don't force yourself to rhyme.
I HAVE A BAND NAMED FALLING CONFESSIONS
AND I PLAY LEAD GUITAR
AND I P0WN!!!



"When there's a freakin' will, there is always a freakin' way!"