#1
well, i tried reworking the last one i posted up here, and ended up with something pretty different. still rhyming alot, but i hope they're less forced sounding this time. i can't seem to write lyrics without feeling like the words need to rhyme haha. i'll have to work on that. anyways, V2:


I want to return to the forests, where tall trees grow
Leaving even my skin, I'll carry nothing in stow.
I'll listen to the river and learn of its dance.
Returning to life, after relieving my stance.

We can always stop this tiresome illusion,
Free our minds and end our pollution.
We can gather red berries and listen to the fish
Learning from those that existed before this.

Let's go back to the mountains and streams,
Hear the birds talk in their joyful screams.
We'll watch the clouds clash like giants of paper
We'll dull the edge of this sharpened razor.

So now I return the apple to the snake,
And give my soul to nature,
For it was always hers to take.


critiques welcomed.
Last edited by Nick B at Oct 28, 2008,
#3
Quote by Nick B
holy god the mods are quick haha. sorry sorry, read the rules now . anyways:

wow, this is pretty embarrasing to put up because i know it's awful, but i need the help more than i need my pride (for now atleast! haha) so here's what i've got:

Take me to the forests where tall trees grow
Or to the river where the old king sleeps
Let's just be quiet now, don't speak even a peep
For tomorrow we can all be silent and free

This is an interesting first stanza, it makes the reader want to know where the piece is going to progress. One thing that I would change is the word 'peep'; it sounds, to me, very childish, and anything would be better even if it doesn't rhyme. Unless of course you're trying to go for the childish, dream-like tone, then it is fine.

Let's all stop all the noise and confusion
And free ourselves for a great revolution
When you can hear the sound of mist moving
You'll be able to see how much we're improving

This is okay. I would get rid of the first 'all' in the first line, to avoid unnecessary repetition. The rhymes sound kind of forced, so I would focus on chosing words that are closer to the meaning you're trying to convey, rather than chosing words that rhyme well.

We'll all take a break, and listen to nature
The sound of clouds clashing, like giants of paper
Sometimes we seem to forget we are breathing
But always remember why we are seething

Once again, the rhymes sound really forced.

So lets stop all this tiresome illusion
And prepare ourselves for the next evolution
Once we can see all the beauty that's there
We can all take a breath of the freshest of air.

The rhymes were certainly better here. Overall, the piece flows well but you may want to change some of the words even if it means scrapping the rhymes. Other than that, what I mainly disliked about this piece is the fact that it sets the scene nicely int he first stanza, but doesn't really do much with it, even if there is a sense of closure int he alst stanza. you may want to work on emphasising the progress between the start and the end in the middle two stanzas.
critique (i can take it harsh! as long as its productive hahah) is greatly welcomed. thanks!



Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987872
#4
'G job once again m8 :P. Hope you have fruitful world in the world of songwriting. Guy above me pretty much did the best crit anyone could have given you.
I HAVE A BAND NAMED FALLING CONFESSIONS
AND I PLAY LEAD GUITAR
AND I P0WN!!!



"When there's a freakin' will, there is always a freakin' way!"
#5
Quote by angusfan16
doesnt sound that bad. keep workin on it

+1

Like how you set up the scene and put in lots of metaphors. I like how it goes from 1st stanza to the revolution-minded 2nd stanza. Has kinda a hippy vibe. I like a hippy vibe personally. Good job, man.


Crit me plz, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987948.
Last edited by rockhardmetal at Oct 28, 2008,
#6
I want to return to the forests, where tall trees grow
Leaving even my skin, I'll carry nothing in stow.
I'll listen to the river and learn of its dance.
Returning to life, after relieving my stance.
I like how this stanza flows, but it leaves me a little confused. "Nothing in stow" sounds a little awkward to me, and i dont quite get the use of "stance" here. Reading it, I get lots of ideas within the boundaries of the theme. Try starting with "I want to return to the forests, where trees reach the skies" and see where that takes you.

We can always stop this tiresome illusion,
Free our minds and end our pollution.
We can gather red berries and listen to the fish
Learning from those that existed before this.
This one leaves me wanting to hear more about the idea of "pollution." Maybe an adjective to describe the pollution, furthering the word's sense of negativity or danger.
Secondly, "before this" strikes me as vague. I'm sort of left wondering "when is this?"


Let's go back to the mountains and streams,
Hear the birds talk in their joyful screams.
We'll watch the clouds clash like giants of paper
We'll dull the edge of this sharpened razor.
This is my 2nd favorite stanza. "Screams" contrasts against "joyful" to me. Thats just a personal thing i guess.

So now I return the apple to the snake,
And give my soul to nature,
For it was always hers to take.
Solid. This one is awesome.

Overall it maintains a consistent theme and flows together really well. I would like to see more in terms of length. Short and sweet is good, though.
#7
Quote by OutOfPhase

I like how this stanza flows, but it leaves me a little confused. "Nothing in stow" sounds a little awkward to me, and i dont quite get the use of "stance" here. Reading it, I get lots of ideas within the boundaries of the theme. Try starting with "I want to return to the forests, where trees reach the skies" and see where that takes you.


i'll definitly have to play with those first two lines, they've been driving me crazy haha, especially the first one. i realized stance was pretty vague here, but its really because i couldn't choose one definition of the word stance. just stance in general. stance in society, having a stance on a subject, physically relaxing. i'll try and see if i can through an adjective infront of it, maybe it'll make it a bit more clear haha.

We can always stop this tiresome illusion,
Free our minds and end our pollution.
We can gather red berries and listen to the fish
Learning from those that existed before this.
This one leaves me wanting to hear more about the idea of "pollution." Maybe an adjective to describe the pollution, furthering the word's sense of negativity or danger.
Secondly, "before this" strikes me as vague. I'm sort of left wondering "when is this?"


hmm, i see what you mean, i was hoping choosing fish as the animal would help a bit because they're the oldest (i would guess) "type" of animal. i'll definitly need to work on not making everything so vague it would seem! haha. i also changed "existed" to "lived" recently. much easier to sing/say and i think it keeps the flow going a little better.

This is my 2nd favorite stanza. "Screams" contrasts against "joyful" to me. Thats just a personal thing i guess.


Thanks, i thought so too, although i did get a critique that said i should change screams because of its generally negative connotation, but it seems like its more of an opinion thing, and i like it, so it'll stay .

Solid. This one is awesome.

Overall it maintains a consistent theme and flows together really well. I would like to see more in terms of length. Short and sweet is good, though.


hey, thanks for the great review man! i'll definitely have to try and change up some of those parts, make my point a bit more clear.

i also received a critique that "tiresome illusion" and "sharpened razor" where too melodramatic, which wasn't what i was going for. i was hoping that in context they wouldn't come off overly dramatic. anyone else agree, disagree?

also, thanks to everyone for the help, especially OutofPhase and the guy that posted that long critique on the first version. huge help!
#8
Quote by Nick B
i also changed "existed" to "lived" recently. much easier to sing/say and i think it keeps the flow going a little better.

I just read this again with the "lived" change. You're definitely right, that does flow alot better. It clears the meaning up alot, too.

Quote by Nick B

i also received a critique that "tiresome illusion" and "sharpened razor" where too melodramatic, which wasn't what i was going for. i was hoping that in context they wouldn't come off overly dramatic.

They are dramatic, but appropriately so. Consider the subject matter of the song: a complete return to nature, casting off an overly refined lifestyle that leaves you out of touch with the natural world around you. If I understand correctly, you're talking about a desire to change your life. In the phrase "tiresome illusion" you're giving a name to what is making you want to change. I kinda feel like that has to be dramatic. Without that drama and passion what reason would you have for singing the song/writing the poem? The power in those phrases does make them stand out, but I think thats a good thing.

I'm liking this more and more as I reread it. Can't wait to see the finished product. If its eventually going to end up a song, have you given any thought to the music you would set it to?