#1
OTS. Not intended to be anything spectacular. I don't know whether to go longer or not.


They say love is blind, so
we gouged each other's eyes out -
Well, it's okay; I didn't want them anyway.

Your set lay safe inside my womb
Cultivating, with no intruders -
I promise.
What better place to keep such
a beautiful pair of seas, aquamarine
and sapphire, somewhere in between -
And with the tender sparks on your fingertips,
it was quite a shock when you fished them back out.

Well, it's okay; just take care of mine
I'll stuff them a little further in your pockets
Lost in lint and spare change
Hoping that after many rounds
Of dirt and experience,
You'll find them before tossing your jeans
in the wash.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Quote by vintage x metal
OTS. Not intended to be anything spectacular. I don't know whether to go longer or not.


They say love is blind, so
we gouged each other's eyes out -
Well, it's okay; I didn't want them anyway.
Meh, this was okay. I don't think it has a real motive though, other than looking pretty on the page. It just doesn't hit home very well.

Your set lay safe inside my womb
The grammar here is confusing the hell out of me.
Cultivating, with no intruders -
"Cultivating" and "Intruders" were great choices.
I promise.
What better place to keep such
a beautiful pair of seas, aquamarine
and sapphire, somewhere in between -
The line breaks (and the commas, for that matter) has this pulling left and right when it doesn't need to be. I'd go for some different linebreaks, even if they aren't uniform.
And with the tender sparks on your fingertips,
it was quite a shock when you fished them back out.

Well, it's okay; just take care of mine
I'll stuff them a little further in your pockets
Lost in lint and spare change
Hoping that after many rounds
Of dirt and experience,
You'll find them before tossing your jeans
in the wash.
Enjoyed thoroughly. At first, I was against this being this long, but I think it allows the tone to develop fully before swinging the hammer down. The "hoping..." and "of dirt..." lines could be better, though.



Enjoyed. If you're doing returns, I have one in my sig.
#3
I'd say go longer. Longer would underscore the theme of a lasting sensation - if that was your aim.

I would of preffered for you to say, instead of "Well, it's OK", for it to be 'it's OK' - on its own. You could then leave the "well" in the second instance; just adding a sense of humanity to it. Just a minor thought.

- "Cultivating, with no intruders -
I promise.
What better place to keep such
a beautiful pair of seas, aquamarine
and sapphire, somewhere in between -" - I wasn't overly keen on the flow and wording to some of this. It was alright but did drag the piece down slightly. It seemed to go from a simplistic attack on the sense to this detailed and confusing description of something or other.

- "And with the tender sparks on your fingertips,
it was quite a shock when you fished them back out." - Loved the first line; not so much the second one, though.

Apart from the "lint" word, your last stanza was very good.

If you say it's not intended to be spectacular, people won't be looking for it, and when they find it, it'll be more emphasised and recognizable.

I feel like I've ran around in circles when I've critiqued this, so I'll stop.
I really liked it.
#4
i dunno if i'd go longer on this, vinnie. it feels quite settled at the end.
maybe add before the opening, instead?

Dan hit the little sniggly bits. nothing more to add, really.

kinda nice, kinda scary, kinda trippy, kinda makes me wanna get horizontal.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
let's do this thing.

They say love is blind, so
we gouged each other's eyes out -
Well, it's okay; I didn't want them anyway.
hmm. i wasn't particularly fond of this stanza as a whole. it's one of those times when the emotion that needs portrayed, really needs a stone foot to stand on; and it reads a little catatonic. also, the metaphor as an entity is a little cliche.
you begin reading and your like: "holy crap, i can relate to this." when you get to the end, your like: "holy crap, i wish it would've been something i haven't heard before.."
Your set lay safe inside my womb
Cultivating, with no intruders -
I promise.
What better place to keep such
a beautiful pair of seas, aquamarine
and sapphire, somewhere in between -
And with the tender sparks on your fingertips,
it was quite a shock when you fished them back out.
ok, now things get a little interesting. the opening line was different...it grew on me after about the third read through. i don't really think "I promise" is neccessary; it creates a sort of dissonance that the piece definitely compensates for in the end, but doesn't necessarily fulfill any kind of relevant reaction to the reader, except for a sudden halt in flow.
i love the imagery that is the remainder of this stanza, though.
great stuff.
Well, it's okay;
yes.
just take care of mine
I'll stuff them a little further in your pockets
Lost in lint and spare change
Hoping that after many rounds
Of dirt and experience,
You'll find them before tossing your jeans
in the wash.
all in all, i think the piece started off a little weak; but it quickly grew into strength after the first stanza.
nice job.

if you don't mind, would you care to have a look-see at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=987432
thanks.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Thank you thank you thanks again. I think I will save this to rewrite later.
I'm always a bit apprehensive to post as I'm really green in this forum, but I suppose everyone has to start from somewhere, yeah? Thank you for the kind words and even more for the critical ones.
I'll get to your poems sometime tonight =]
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
There once was a girl named Saadia
She grew up in a place called Browntown
Be mean to her, you oughta
It's always fun to put her down

I wrote a poem about you since you wrote one about me =]
When I hit 'em from the back, I got them mami's saying dammit man.


When I put it in their mouth, I got them mami's saying duh-huh-huh-muhh.
#8
You suck and I hate you, stinky motherfucker.


=]
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
im not stinky =[

and why are you being mean? you already have a better poem than i do, dont add insult to injury.
When I hit 'em from the back, I got them mami's saying dammit man.


When I put it in their mouth, I got them mami's saying duh-huh-huh-muhh.
#10
Quote by vintage x metal
They say love is blind, so
we gouged each other's eyes out -
Well, it's okay; I didn't want them anyway.
bleh, the idea was good but it didn't quite work out

Your set lay safe inside my womb
Cultivating, with no intruders -
I promise.
What better place to keep such
a beautiful pair of seas, aquamarine
and sapphire, somewhere in between -
And with the tender sparks on your fingertips,
it was quite a shock when you fished them back out.
better, the hyphens were a bit much but still great wording and image

Well, it's okay; just take care of mine
I'll stuff them a little further in your pockets
Lost in lint and spare change
Hoping that after many rounds
Of dirt and experience,
You'll find them before tossing your jeans
in the wash.
last line was close to perfection, i love the extended metaphor in this stanza


overall, pretty strong, good when you suddenly realize it's one big extended metaphor. somewhat hard to digest up till that point, but i tend to think slower. :P

thanks for looking over mine
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
#11
all in all, i think the piece started off a little weak; but it quickly grew into strength after the first stanza.


agreed.

as for this,
I thought the voice was better than your usual stuff. It was much more believable. This is good. I liked this piece but I liked that I could get into this more than your other stuff the most.

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#12
They say love is blind, so
we gouged each other's eyes out -
Well, it's okay; I didn't want them anyway.

Your set lay safe inside my womb
Cultivating, with no intruders -
I promise.
What better place to keep such
a beautiful pair of seas, aquamarine
and sapphire, somewhere in between -
And with the tender sparks on your fingertips,
it was quite a shock when you fished them back out.
the last two lines i dont really understand, this piece is a metaphore but i dont really understand whats going on here.


Well, it's okay; just take care of mine
I'll stuff them a little further in your pockets
Lost in lint and spare change
Hoping that after many rounds
Of dirt and experience,
You'll find them before tossing your jeans
in the wash.