#1
Haven't done one of these in a while, so I guess Ill do one now.

This is a song I wrote on piano, really simple lyrics pretty much improvised which is pretty much as close as you can get to the heart.

It's about trying to get over someone by looking for someone new. Sometimes you find yourself in total desperation that when you get yourself close enough to the new person, you find you want to drown yourself in happiness that just doesn't make sense.

EDIT: there seems to be a little confusion in the second verse about the knives. The whole knive symbolism is supposed to be like once you meet the new person, You say to them "just be yourself, because you can't hurt me" (compared to how much the previous person did).

"Annabel Lee..."

Verses:
Sing me one of those happy songs,
Ones with words that just don't make sense,
these words so deep you could drown in them...
Sing me one of those happy songs.

Tell me one of those secrets of yours,
ones when thrown can cut like knives,
and these knives you can throw at me...
tell me one of those secrets of yours.

Chorus:
Higher and higher and higher for you...
better and better and better for you...
No matter how hard it gets I'll do it for you...
I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it for you.


Sing me one of those happy songs,
ones with words that just don't make sense.
I HAVE A BAND NAMED FALLING CONFESSIONS
AND I PLAY LEAD GUITAR
AND I P0WN!!!



"When there's a freakin' will, there is always a freakin' way!"
Last edited by Prodigy999 at Oct 29, 2008,
#2
Interesting
although it was short, I enjoyed reading this. I liked you word usage for the most part, but there was one line that I didn't really care for.

I really liked the first verse. Especially how truthfull it is in the first two lines. It's perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.

Sing me one of those happy songs,
Ones with words that just don't make sense,
and these words so deep you could drown in them...
Sing me one of those happy songs.

I like how this verse has the same theme as the first, but I don't think that you pulled it off as well.

Tell me one of those secrets of yours,
ones when thrown can cut like knives,

The next line is what throws me off. It makes the verse redundent and less creative in my opinion, especially when compared to the first.

yes these knives you can throw at me...
tell me one of those secrets of yours.

As far as this part goes I like it, but it would need to be sung well, and to the proper music( And by that I mean only my Personal taste in music) in order to interest me

Chorus:
Higher and higher and higher for you...
better and better and better for you...
No matter how hard it gets I'll do it for you...
I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it for you.


Sing me one of those happy songs,
ones with words that just don't make sense.


Overall I liked it, but it I think it would be cool if you added some more verse's like the first since they are kinda short anyway.


Earth

A Language Older Than Words
#3
I really enjoyed reading this piece. I especially liked the "with words that just don't make sense" line. I think the third line of the first stanza could use some tweaking. how about "with words so deep i could drown in them"? I think it helps it fit better. Also, I agree with Ryan, the second stanza could use some revision. I just don't feel that the imagery of knives suits this piece. I would consider using some ocean/water imagery to help wconnect with the "drowning" line of the first stanza. (Atlantis perhaps? Just throwing an idea out there). Anyways, this piece was really good and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Sweet as a Lamb
#4
Thanks for the crits guy. I'll look into that second stanza. Hopefully it'll become better. Thanks.
I HAVE A BAND NAMED FALLING CONFESSIONS
AND I PLAY LEAD GUITAR
AND I P0WN!!!



"When there's a freakin' will, there is always a freakin' way!"
#5
"Annabel Lee..."

Verses:
Sing me one of those happy songs,
Ones with words that just don't make sense,
these words so deep you could drown in them...
This line is splendid I completely love how it sounds. Perhaps you could cut the 'these' though.
Sing me one of those happy songs.

Tell me one of those secrets of yours,
ones when thrown can cut like knives,
and these knives you can throw at me...
Again, this is an excellent line! I like how you kind of reverse the ideas. It makes it sound very indecisive and I like it.
tell me one of those secrets of yours.

Chorus:
Higher and higher and higher for you...
better and better and better for you...
No matter how hard it gets I'll do it for you...
I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it for you.
I'll bet this sounds great when you sing it

Sing me one of those happy songs,
ones with words that just don't make sense.

Overall. This is a pretty good peice I really do like it. I can see it making a pretty good pop song, perhaps. Nice work .
I know this was kind of a peice of crap critique, but I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at mine .. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=986699
Thanks.
The only truly consistent people are dead people.