#1
I'm in the rhythm of unworthiness
A string keeping me from consequence
Don't let me fall with these anchors
I'm set for vulnerability
I wasn't just set for humanity
Take me and renew me as your own

So wait for me
Because fallen lights are all that I can see
This life I lead
Is no longer spoken for

A part of me needs accomplishments
A part needs to know where I've been
I seem to be always just looking down
I found this fear beneath the dirt
My antiqued love is rotted and hurt
Build these roots to stand, love and believe

So wait for me
Because fallen lights are all that I can see
This life I lead
Is no longer spoken for

Let your light rain on me
I choose more than just to believe
Let your light rain on me
Because I choose more than just to believe

So wait for me
Because fallen lights are all that I can see
This life I lead
Is no longer spoken for


I had no clue what to name this so i just named it "Redemption".
If you got any better ideas it's appreciated.
Thanks.
c4c
Last edited by WarriorKlan at Oct 30, 2008,
#2
Thank you for your crit :-)

The repeated bit (chorus shall we say) is good, i like it. Two first verses are also good, but perhaps you could combine them? Like this say:

'I'm set for vulnerability
I wasn't just set for humanity
I'm in the rhythm of unworthiness
A string keeping me from consequence
Don't let me fall with these anchors
Take me and make me yours'

Personally as i'm following this song/poem, that makes a lot more sense as i progress.

The second last verse (before the chours bit) is very good also. However, the 3rd verse (after the first chorus bit) doesn't quite click with me, although i like the first two lines. The third one puts me off a little bit though.

Hope that helps you a little bit :-)
#3
I think that the way A803 arranged the veres looks better on paper. (But maybe the way u originally had it fits better with the music. I would play around with both ways). For the most part this piece was quite good, however, there were two lines that I despised: "because broken glass is all i can see". While broken glass does scream cliche, clichedness really never bothered me. What bothers me is that line doesn't fit within the context of this piece. Also I wasn't a fan of the "my respectful love is rotted and hurt". Its just a really awkward, especially the "respectful love". Also I liked the idea behind the fourth paragraph. That one really hit close to home. However, I'm not sure if accomplishments is the right word. I think you could find a more specific word. (And don't worry so much about the rhyme scheme). Anyways, nice job, man.

Crit mine please
Sweet as a Lamb

Also, I love the quote in your sig. Just thought I'd let you know