#1
I need crits more on the story rather than the rhythm and flow of the song as it will have an odd rhythm when it is finished. Basically, I need opinions on what you guys think this song is about (hopefully it is pretty obvious). Maybe some other ideas for the "life that I live" parts, as it gets very repetitive. C4C as well, just leave a link. Thanks!


I am an outcast
I am a spirit
I am a loner
alone in this life that I live

I am a stranger
I am a worker
I am a joker
that's hidden in this life that I live

what can I do
oh what can I do
how can I change this life that I live
what can I do
oh what can I do
why should I change this life that I live

I am a runner
I am an artist
I am a secret
shining star in this life that I live

I am a reader
I'm not a speaker
I am a beggar
just begging for love in this life that I live

what can I do
oh what can I do
how can I change this life that I live
what can I do
oh what can I do
why should I change this life that I live

why do I think that I'm so alone
when I know that I'm not on my own
why do I think that I don't exist
when I think of the people I've known

what can I do
oh what can I do
how can I change this life that I live
what can I do
oh what can I do
why should I change this life that I live
why should I change this life that I live
#2
Amazing

I really like the style of writing in the " I am " verse's. I've always been a fan of the repeated opening lings, but I see it rarely and find it hard to do. I have a short song that uses that technique called A Language Older Than Words


The only part that seemed to not fit was the "oh what can do" part in the chorus
I feel it slows down the song and disrupts the pace set by the "I am" line. But then again that could work really well according to the music and way it is sung. I know that has to do with rhythm but as far as the story I think that It's fine so I can't help you much there.


sorry I didn't dive too deep with a crit, but there's nothing That I can think of changing just wanted to say how great I thought it was.

Earth
#4
Quote by Ryan 88
Amazing

I really like the style of writing in the " I am " verse's. I've always been a fan of the repeated opening lings, but I see it rarely and find it hard to do. I have a short song that uses that technique called A Language Older Than Words


The only part that seemed to not fit was the "oh what can do" part in the chorus
I feel it slows down the song and disrupts the pace set by the "I am" line. But then again that could work really well according to the music and way it is sung. I know that has to do with rhythm but as far as the story I think that It's fine so I can't help you much there.


sorry I didn't dive too deep with a crit, but there's nothing That I can think of changing just wanted to say how great I thought it was.

Earth

Thanks . Idk the verses didn't seem to difficult to me, I pretty much threw together a bunch of descriptions for myself and added a line at the end of each to connect them. I tried to make the first two verses more negative and the second two more positive, but idk how well that turned out. I think the chorus works fairly well, mostly because I can't think of any lines to replace it with. I still really want to change the "life that I live" parts though (or at least some of them).