#1
Hey all, this is my first ever time writing lyrics or anything even close, so all criticism (constructive, of course) is accepted and welcomed. Also, if you think if there is a title that is better for whatever reason, don't hesitate to tell me. Thanks.

As you step through the creaky iron gate
The owl gazes down upon you
with his frozen lifeless eyes
Enter the doorway, cross the line
Into my very own personal hell

But in this place, holds an astonishing sight
A colossal tree, the heart of this hell
and you and me sit under this tree
amidst the fog in perfect tranquillity

I thought I'd never talk to you again
But I've learned from the scars of our past
I know why you came back
You came back for me
And you replied "I did" with your laughter

Underneath your cascading blond hair
Amidst the black and white fog
The only thing that I could see
Were your deep sea eyes

Underneath your cascading blond hair
Amidst the black and white fog
the only thing that I could see
Were your sapphire eyes
Staring back at me.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
Last edited by Alter-Bridge at Oct 29, 2008,
#3
sounds quite gothic a bit like tenacious d , but some good words dude.
my bagder stares at me.....
#4
I think the main way you could improve this is by removing the constant 'I's 'You's and 'Your's. I'm not sure how you'd go about doing this, I know this ain't really too constructive, but that's just something about the piece that bothered me.
#5
First stanza: There's just something about the "you-do this, you do that" wording that reminds me of one of those choose your own adventure novels."
Second stanza: I liked this one alot, except for the word "colossal", I think maybe "weathered" or "dying" would be more appropiate.
Third stanza: So far my favorite thing about this piece has been the imagery and this stanza is sorely lacking it. I think you could replace the "scars of the past" line with some sort of imagery that is connected to the tree. Also the last line is kind of awkward.
Fourth/Fifth stanzas: Once again nice imagery here. However instead of "cascading blond hairs", i might want to try something more darker/somber in tone. ("burning leaves",etc.) Also there'es something about "deep sea eyes" that just screams cliche. Saphire eyes is good though.

Anyways, I hope this critique helped you out. I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Sweet as a Lamb
#6
The third stanza is pretty much the only thing I didn't like about it, especially the last three lines.
Maybe you should try to transport the meaning of them a little more subtle.

But the other stanzas are fine in my eyes. Loved the imagery. Although you might try to find something better than just "deep sea eyes" in the fourth stanza. It's very cliche, other than sapphire eyes. I liked that.

Hope you can get anything helpful out of this crit.

Please crit mine (sig)
#7
it was decent, especially for a first song. you had good ideas (the whole main idea of the tranquility amidst turmoil thing) but it got bogged down by cliche (my personal hell, etc). the other thing is that the first verse somehow felt out of place to me. it seems like the song is going one way but it takes a complete left turn and starts talking about a girl. maybe that's what you're going for, but that's just the impression i got.

and sorry for the delay on the return crit, stuff's been crazy.
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