#1
and he says he wears his wounds well,
that's unlike his liquor.
something about searching for a missing friend
only to find out they've been passed out beneath you
the entire time.
so should that excuse your scandal?
a love for hops?

and my mother sends me chain letters
dotted in declarations of better lives.
i think every time i close my eyes
i'm dotted with that. but,
she is resigned
though i've always been told that act comes with age.

and as i trace plush pink
i think
when blonde hairs will get too drunk
or split in empty crushes.
#2
Only thing I enjoyed in this was:
"and my mother sends me chain letters
dotted in declarations of better lives."

Nothing else seemed nearly as tangible or emotionally touching. Seemed everything else was laboured and not natural imagery. It just didn't read well. I found more sentiment in those two lines than the rest of the piece together.
#3
I agree with Zach. There is nothing here that grabbed me, and your work normally does. I especially hated "i'm dotted with that. but," really clumsy punctuation. Sorry, I can't add much more.
#4
This is alright. It doesn't feel like you finished what you wanted.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
strange, i thought this wasn't half-bad.
hated the 'something' line in the first stanza though.
it's a bit scattered and almost like the line breaks are there just to make it more confusing.

edit: didn't like the title at all.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Oct 30, 2008,