#1
I'm in a Thrash Metal band and i wrote a song for it and would like peoples opinions please. If it sucks just straight out tell me.

I see your life
Falling down
Laughing
As the pain takes ahold of you
Slowly dying
Dead space
Twisting your mind you want to die

Your mind is dead
A piece of meat
Squirming, on the floor
Crying
As your body starts to boil
Howling
You enter the kingdom of the dead
#2
All in all, pretty good man. It's simple, but I think it works for two reasons - first because that's how Thrash metal lyrics are, and secondly, because although it's simple, it doesn't become trite - there's some starkness to it which I like.

There's only one part I don't like - the third line of the second verse - I don't like the word 'squirming' - it's just a bit too juvenile. Try and think of a cooler sounding word!

The last three lines are my favourites.

#3
Quote by el_jimbo
All in all, pretty good man. It's simple, but I think it works for two reasons - first because that's how Thrash metal lyrics are, and secondly, because although it's simple, it doesn't become trite - there's some starkness to it which I like.

There's only one part I don't like - the third line of the second verse - I don't like the word 'squirming' - it's just a bit too juvenile. Try and think of a cooler sounding word!

The last three lines are my favourites.



I was particularly unsure about that word myself but couldn't think of something else.

How about wriggling? lol, jk
#6
thanks for critiquing mine. im not too "in" on thrash metal, so ill be critiquing it as its written, not how it'll sound. sorry for spelling mistakes/grammar etc in advance.

Quote by Steve5513


I see your life
Falling down
Laughing
As the pain takes ahold of you
Slowly dying
Dead space
Twisting your mind
You want to die
good, simple, but it seems to me that the ideas arent flowing. ithe short lines make it feel sharp, but you use softer, slower words like life, falling, slowly, space. if you are going for this whole angry, short sharp, pain, dying theme, try to use short hard sounding words.
the lack of a structure annoys me. just a simple rhythm would do. but maybe thats thrash metal.
i dont like the last line, it breaks the stab-iness of the short lines. i think an extra line break between "mind" and "you" would help here, but maybe that would ruin how it sounds in a song. I dont know.



Your mind is dead
A piece of meat
Squirming, on the floor
Crying
As your body starts to boil
Howling
You enter the kingdom of the dead
again, good, simple. clear message. try using metaphors and similies to induce better imagery for the reader. here i would say very much the same as i did for the last stanza. the words choices for sounds are better here, but still not great, good choices were dead, meat, mind, body. the vocabualry overall is quite limited, and typical. i think these are very cliched ideas, especially for this genre. i didnt like the flow in this stanza, the mid-line break after squirming is totally out of place. once again the lack of proper structure here annoys me.

Overall, take what i said for each stanze as comments for both, as there wasnt much for me to say on the content here. my lack of thrash metal knowledge (not a genre for me at all) did nothing to help me be able to crit this, and i tried my best, but feel free to dismiss anything i said with a "what does he know?".


this was pretty hard for me to crit, as there was not much content. if there was more, i could have written about that, the language, the images. so instead i was left with how this sounds. which i have no idea over.


so, pointless crit, i tried my best.

mybe if you let us hear it in a song format (record the music and the singing) and upload to your profile, i could help a bit more.

dont bump, mods'll eat you.

conceal your bump with a question or an answer to a previous one.

sam out.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Oct 31, 2008,
#7
Its Good A bit short.


Mabey Take out the word squirming it just kinda makes the song less serious.


I tryed to think of a name but i couldnt think of any but i did try
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?