#1
Hey guys,

This is a not-quite finished song I've been working on. I'm still trying to decide a title - suggestions welcome!. I've written almost all the music/melodies too. It's unfinished because I haven't decided to go with an instrumental bridge or a vocal one. The current song structure is Verse-Verse-Chorus - one of my favourite structures - delayed gratification of the chorus!

Let me know you think! Leave a link, and I'll happily crit yours too!

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Untitled

(Verse 1)
Helios retreats to the end
Of the horizon once again
The sun descends and falls underneath
The skyline’s jaw of jagged teeth.

And from the shadows a baffling twilight race
Emerges from caverns and caves to show its face
But I can’t see them any more...


(Verse 2)
With banter, lash, and their collars north
The pretentious f*cks can all go forth
With bulky frames for their tribal art
The laddish pricks can all depart.

Showing off wide tracts of skin won’t buy your dreams
At best all you get is a spike in self-esteem
But I’m not drawn in any more...


(Chorus)
In a court where I used to crawl I now find myself among Kings
And all my former sensibilities have died a death and don’t mind these things.
Now the nosebleed seats seem so far away.
And if the Gods concede, it’s there they shall remain.

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Last edited by el_jimbo at Oct 29, 2008,
#6
Quote by yorkiemush
i like it =]
love to hear the melodies for it


When I finish writing, and record it, I'll leave a link!
#7
Anyone got any more in-depth crits?
Last edited by el_jimbo at Oct 29, 2008,
#9
would do a full crit, but im tired and there doesnt seem to be too much for me to say on this.
really sorry, thats just what this peice needs.

one thing i would say is about the AABB rhyme schemes used in the piece.

thank god its not all over, but whenever i see these it sets off all the cliche, forced rhyme and so on alarms in my head.


C4C? in sig, whatll it be. im not asking for much, i didnt give you much anyway.