#1
Hey! Help me out.
Its my first song and I was wondering if you guys could help me polish it up a bit.

I met a girl, cute as could be
Her name was Aly, sat next to me

I didn't give her the time of day
now shes on a plane flying away

its too late, whats done is done
smoking wed was just too much fun

It hurts to think what could've been
all the good times we will never see

She said good bye and gave me a kiss
She was the girl that i would surely miss
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?
#2
The rhyme scheme is a bit weird (I haven't seen that in ages lol) but for the song it seems to work.

The third stanza to me didn't seem like it belonged there. It just didn't seem to flow with the subject of the song.

The meter is really good though, I like it

Though the fourth stanza doesn't follow the same rhyme scheme the rest of the song does, it still works.

The fifth stanza is probably the best stanza there, and it wraps the poem up nicely.

4.5/5

Good job
#3
i am hearing the lyrics to the tune of self esteem by the offspring, so i don't know if you jsut changed some words or what, but the meter of yers and the meter of self esteem match up perfectly
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not
#4
Reminds me of something that the old blink-182 would do. Seems like it could do with an almost happy tune with sad lyrics. Kinda like "Undone (The Sweater Song)" which was written to be sad, but most just find it freakin' hillarious.
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]