#1
here is a poem dedicated to alex (skagitup for the less informed). I wrote this for two reasons. One, because it's about time someone wrote one about him and two, now he will feel obliged to write one about me

anyway, ehre goes nothing. I'm going away for five days, but i'll be back to return crits.

alex

before
could I have imagined
(beauty as pure)
words to art
vibrant colour spread across the page

never has death been so fulfilling
nor mutilation so strong
you tore my words apart
and found a core
something to seep some life into
lines on a page

I wonder what you’d say if you ever saw this?
probably
you’d point out how boring it is
lifeless
no clever metaphors
or vivid imagery
but then
who wants pink elephants
and rolling waterfalls of candy bar wrappers
tumbling across the street like some monster’s breath
whipping a small twister around my feet
before settling on the park bench
next to an old man
who turns from his paper and vanishes
leaving a perplexed crow suspended in mid air

see,
I guess I can write shit like that
if I put my mind to it
but then
that’s your bag
not mine
(and such a beautiful bag)
I wouldn’t want to piss in your pocket
(to coin a phrase)
I can hear you groaning already
(but wait, there’s more)

can I say thank you without sounding clichéd?
you took an empty shell and showed it how to walk
and new born babe to talk
and a ****ed-up freak to live
#3
This is quite an achievement. The mission was a success.
It's very clever and intuitive. I really don't have anything I can add except I really enjoyed reading it. It was a break for fresh air and a joy to read.
#4
Quote by kdownes
here is a poem dedicated to alex (skagitup for the less informed). I wrote this for two reasons. One, because it's about time someone wrote one about him and two, now he will feel obliged to write one about me

anyway, ehre goes nothing. I'm going away for five days, but i'll be back to return crits.

alex

before
could I have imagined
(beauty as pure)
No reason for this to be in parenthesis. I'm sure you're making a reference to Alex's usage of parentheses, but from what I understand, his are done differently. There's no way of reading this in a different tone, in my opinion, so the parentheses is just confusing to me.
words to art
vibrant colour spread across the page

never has death been so fulfilling
nor mutilation so strong
you tore my words apart
and found a core
something to seep some life into
lines on a page
I did not enjoy seeing "lines" and "words" again. You're bordering on semi-cliche stuff, there. But I also see an opporotunity here. Take line three and move it to the beginning, then take lines two and three and put them into parentheses and make them more subtle (change the new first line as well). What came to my mind was that death and mutilation were attributed to art rather than a critique, which became apparent only after the third line. The parentheses may be a horrible idea, but I think it's worth toying around with.
As a whole, this stanza felt weak. The only really colorful words were the first three. Everything else was filler. You try and hit a certain tone with your word selections, but it can be tough to hit right, so the tone that I'm reading with is different that what you wrote with.

I wonder what you’d say if you ever saw this?
probably
you’d point out how boring it is
lifeless
no clever metaphors
or vivid imagery
but then
who wants pink elephants
and rolling waterfalls of candy bar wrappers
tumbling across the street like some monster’s breath
whipping a small twister around my feet
before settling on the park bench
next to an old man
who turns from his paper and vanishes
leaving a perplexed crow suspended in mid air
The second half was interesting, but the "park bench" and everything after just didn't fit, I think.

see,
I guess I can write shit like that
if I put my mind to it
but then
that’s your bag
not mine
(and such a beautiful bag)
"bag" and "beautiful" don't register together very well. It's just against their normal usages in this kind of situation, methinks. I'd just cut it. I'd also shorten the rest by a line or two, and put some more punch in it. Maybe I'm moving in the wrong direction, though.
I wouldn’t want to piss in your pocket
(to coin a phrase)
HATE this line. It doesn't add anything.
I can hear you groaning already
(but wait, there’s more)

can I say thank you without sounding clichéd?
you took an empty shell and showed it how to walk
and new born babe to talk
and a ****ed-up freak to live
I'd like to see these last two lines brought up in length a tad. The switch from line two to three is abrupt. Either that, or cut line two into two seperate lines. That's my only compaint, though. Decent ending.



Overall, this teetered upon being very cliched and begging (if you follow what I'm saying). There where times of interest, but it didn't feel consistant. My 2 cents, anyway.
#5
all i can say... is... wth.
kinda weird, kinda creepy, kinda... pointless.
if you wanna tell him he's good do it.
this worship shit is ridiculous.

god i'm a bitch***** tonight.
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#6
I have to agree with Snow. Usually tribute pieces take on the person's style, but aren't about directly idolizing them (idolization is implied in the fact that you're writing because of them). This is too directly for him, as if there should be a 'Dear Alex' in front of it. Reading this is like catching you two on a date, makes me feel like a voyeur.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 30, 2008,
#7
This was stupid. I refuse to write a poem about Alex until he either kills me or dies (in a figurative or literal sense, or if I just pretend that one of the two previous events happen). In other words, I get the feeling (from the piece) that Alex doesnt mean jack shit to you. You don't know anything about his life, what he goes through, what he's succeeded at, what his failures are. In your eyes what he should be worshiped for is the poetry he's written and posted on a forum. That's not deserved worship and is, in my opinion, a slap to his face. He should arguably be worshiped, sure, but not blindly by one on the other side of a computer. Your two goals are pointless. Alex doesnt need a poem written about him by someone who doesnt really know him at all. And what poem do you think Alex is going to write about you?

This wasnt cute, nor flattering, nor worth your time. Respect him all you want, but there are others who deserve your thanks so much more than he. Go worship someone you can see face to face and who loves you regardless of what you do, like your mother, grandfather or whoever else you're blessed to have at this moment looking over you somehow. Those are the people who deserve poetry and those are the people who will be forgotten without it.

*shrug* I really hated this. I may disagree with some of the points I raised earlier (like it wasnt worth your time to write it [it's always worth your time to write]) but on the whole the ideas stand. This was a squandered endeavor with implied/fake meaning given to someone you don't know and hyperbolic rhetoric given to actions which were convoluted and obscure, bottom line.
#8
I should have mentioned this before, but I didn't want to be too rough. However, it does need to be said.

I feel that the only reason you wrote this is to have a piece written about you. That's why I can't really feel anything you're saying. It's as if you just want to kiss his ass, saying "oh my! An honest crit! For you have blessed me lord Alex!"

You can write about HIM, and you can write about what he's done for YOU. But you don't know him, so that's out of the question. It seems like he hasn't had a profound, REAL effect on you, and even what effect he has had on you was portrayed poorly. I saw alot more of you in this piece than Alex, and that's what makes me think you wrote this for him to return the favor.

I want you to keep writing, and I want you to do good. But don't ever write this kind of thing again.
#9
the middle part on its own would make a pretty great poem with some modifications. the rest of this, well, it did what you wanted it to do, and built up this alex feller pretty well. judging by the comments some people have left, I guess they think its a bad thing, and I agree with what they're saying about how a tribute poem should be written, but you clearly wanted to go another direction, you went that direction, and you did it well.

I'll leave the judging of creepiness and what not to these dudes who know the situation better. good work, imo.
#10
well, about once a week i make myself look like an idiot, and with this i managed to do it twice First, by posting this piece of shit. And second, by saying the only reason i wrote this was so alex would write something about me, which is a load of bullshit. Alex would never write anything about me and i'd never expec him to.

Thank youe verone for the comments, especially ninjamonkey and #1 synth. just a brief aside to ninja monkey, i actually know alex better than "oh, he critted one of my pieces, YAY" I've never met him in person, but we've had many long discussions on all sorts of meaningless shit, and we've talked about lyrics and music and what not. but i must admit this is probably the stupidest thing i've ever written. oh well, shit happens as they say.
#11
Get rid of the "beautiful bag" part.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching