#1
It's reasonably high tempo, and the bridge is 'half screamed'. (Kinda like Tim Mcllrath singing in his more 'aggressive' voice)
any suggestions welcome
and criticism, postitive or constructive

Our Lives Worth Pursuing?

Like drones we slave away at our lives
Every hour and every day is an uphill struggle
We live through their passionate hate
Our cries for help they have to wait
These words we yell at them are echoes without a source

Every day we follow them along these corridors
We are but shadows of their lives
Not once in front
Never leading
Always trailing
Day to day it is all the same
I want the power to make or break
To satisfy or devastate


Slapped backs and congratulations greet them tonight
But to me it is just another day
Just another day
These hallways closing in on me are suffocating,
Stifling my freedom my imagination

Every day I follow them along these corridors
I am but a shadow of their lives
Not once in front
Never leading
Always trailing
Day to day it is all the same
I want the power to make or break
To satisfy or devaistate


We walk in your footsteps unable to think for ourselves,
Unable to act
Opportunities, authority that we once had
Have been murdered, as you should have been
I sit quiet in the shadows cast by the spotlights on you,
Restrained
I wonder if my life is worth pursuing
If I am wasting my time

Every day we follow them along these corridors
We are but shadows of their lives
Not once in front
Never leading
Always trailing
Day to day it is all the same
We need the power to make or break
To satisfy or devastate
Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 7, 2008,
#2
It would actually work incredibly well if you make it a song with catchy, but easy as hell to play, guitar parts and say the words more on the fast side.
Repeat the words in a few places, have some screaming later on, wellah! You've got all the ladies :]
#3
lol Thanks
Are thinking of a Rise Against type style (especially their older ones)?
If you don't know them check 'em out anyway :P
Yeah thanks, I'll have another look at it, see if I can come up with any more

EDIT: see original post
Last edited by jon93971 at Oct 31, 2008,
#4
It's okay, but try adding a verse which is all about you doing something, not always collective, just to personalise it a bit (yes, I always suggest this for sociopolitical pieces).

Make the changes you want, that's what this kind of thing is all about, it being exactly how you see things.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Nice, good flow, and nice message. I agree with Seanichu also, put it to some simple, catchy tune, and it will be great.
#6
wow.....i really loved this. I actually would keep in the lines that you said your not to keen on. They give it a complete look and flow. I have nothing bad to say. nice job.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#7
Awesome man. Digging the vibe. ^Nice flow as said above.
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#8
Quote by musicjunkie207
wow.....i really loved this. I actually would keep in the lines that you said your not to keen on. They give it a complete look and flow. I have nothing bad to say. nice job.

thanks
they are actually growing on me now so i'll keep 'em in
Thanks to all the other crit as well
My current acoustic group:

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#9
I really liked this piece,
The only problem I had with it was the line
...the power to hide this hate

It kind of killed the (chorus?) for me. Everything else was really well along with the meaning behind it being somewhat cryptic but at the same time fairly easy to get as the piece progressed.

Btw, thanks for the crit on my piece, I wish i could provide more on this one.
this one is for you.
#10
The use of "drone" to describe people working has been overdone to death. It's not very interesting to me anymore, so I get less out of that first stanza, right out of the gate.

Since this is a song, I'm going to focus more on the song aspects as opposed to content, which has kind of been touched on.

Now, if this is high tempo, I'm assuming the words are sung quite quickly. Keeping that in mind, I can see a lot lines where I can't picture someone delivering them quickly, like the "corridors" line. Where the remainder of the stanza seems quite simple in it's delivery, the first line seems almost too long, like it would slow down the song.

Again, this is all speculation on my part, maybe you have a perfect rhythm for these lines, but I think it's a good idea to go through it and see if parts are too difficult to sing, and replace them more "song friendly" lines. A key to writing a good song is being able to still convey your message without sacrificing the quality of the music.