#1
I am a Pathological Liar

In spite of my face, I'll remove my nose.
then the kids will have something
deeper to poke their fingers into.

Its slippery inside the holes that words make,
talk that takes on the form of a menace,
no hood to protect me from the fiery acne;
we all fear the same dark alleys.

I was shot, right before being stabbed,
thrown to the bins my pet rat had escaped to.
he was good company
right up until he told me why he ran away
- I never even knew that rats had the capacity to hate -
My eyes roll to the back of my head,
my naked, flat face looking intently into my brain,
passing my conscience (stained by last nights Stella Artois)
and past the vomit soaked sawdust;
past the spiders web that spun words of insolence;
and past the venomous doorman with giant, crude jaws,
- he posed quite a challenge -
I finally reached the bland canvas that was my consciousness.

If my mind was a piece of art, it would be
Mona Lisa with a bad face job,
scribbled down by a drunk Da Vinci with
wet crayons.

Nothing seemed real.
Nothing was important,
but everything was connected.
the problems were totally insignificant -
especially compared to my Uncle’s drinking problem -
I could not find anything;
It was a like a library had just been taken over by a bunch of seven year old chav’s.
I felt ashamed to even stand here in my own goo.
goo that didn't have the guts to be itself.
goo that couldn't grasp onto it's own past and
tie it down tight with its own sailors hands.

I have let my goo down.

From now I will tell the truth.
From now on I will only lie if I‘m writing it...


I am the most handsome man alive.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Oct 30, 2008,
#2
ill try to crit more later cuz im in a rush, but for starters i really liked the first stanza, but i found that the rest of this piece didnt flow very well. good writing bu maybe find a way to make it flow better... theres a lot of stop and go type action here. or maybe its just me?
#3
Thank you.
This is not supposed to flow. The first two sections are designed as a chorus (even though its more of a poem that a lyrical piece) and its supposed to display my contentment (they flow fairly well, like you mentioned) which then rather rapidly falls into a brain trip, searching for the reason as to why I cannot stop lying.
Its kinda like a dream, even though I never dreamt it.
#4
I really like that.
It's hard to imagine in a song, but it's definately very well written
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Thank you.
This is not supposed to flow. The first two sections are designed as a chorus (even though its more of a poem that a lyrical piece) and its supposed to display my contentment (they flow fairly well, like you mentioned) which then rather rapidly falls into a brain trip, searching for the reason as to why I cannot stop lying.
Its kinda like a dream, even though I never dreamt it.


well in that case, good job! i like it much.
#6
I don't like the font.
I think there should be a full stop after the first sentence. It's a cliche idea, so it's maybe not the best to start on, even though it gets the point across and follows on nicely. The poking fingers is great.
I'd rearrange the second stanza a bit, it comes across as a bit confused. Having the third line as the last and linking it to the one above (that's now below) would work better to me. Then having the holes as the hole of the hood.
The -s seem to be trying to make something more interesting, but I don't think they add much. I might be wrong. I like the rat story because I have rats, but I'm not sure how it'd be to someone else.
The link isn't strong enough between the rats telling you something and the outcome. The dark imagery and all is fine, but I don't think there's much call for it because you didn't set it up strongly enough. Fancy rats aren't like that.
I really like the Mona Lisa part (read it in the freepost thread) but the flow just doesn't fit in with the rest of it, and don't say it 'wasn't meant to flow'. It should.
There's no apostrophe in chavs. You don't like grammar and punctuation, do you?
The sailors hands was a bit random, it's an idea that hasn't been introduced so can't be introduced as pure, obvious fact in that way. In the line afterwards, 'goo' becomes a bit too much for me. It's not a great word, in all honesty.
The ending doesn't seem too well connected with the rat story, either. It feels like that was quickly written to find a connection between the other two parts, but it doesn't work, in my eyes at least. It's not tied together well enough, and this shows itself in content as well as flow.

However, I like most of what I read here, and this could be really ****ing good if you just work on it some more.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 30, 2008,
#7
I like it as-is. There is a very raw element inside this, especially evident in the third stanza (which, I think, could stand alone very easily), that I don't think needs to be touched in order to get it's point across. It does it quite nicely, and by the end of the poem, it's quite difficult to not understand what you're getting at, as I believe much of it was build up, perhaps a beat-around-the-bush-this-is-what-I'm-trying-to-say type thing, until you've said so much regarding what you're trying to say, that it would be gutless and pointless if you didn't come out and say it.

That make sense? I just see someone taking shots, throwing them down, jabbering away at somewhat meaningful things, until he's drunk enough to simply confess. Honesty is admirable.