#1
im bored and down on the band bus so i am going to put up my song. tell me what you think please.

Picture Perfect
i wish i felt a million bucks
but ill never be up to par.
its hard to try my luck
when pefection is the bar.

they say nobody's perfect...
and imperfection makes perfection.
i wish i could beilieve their lies.
but if thats so. then i must be jesus.

*its the perfect system
for imperfect people.
we all wish we could be picture pefect
but its hard when the cameras broken.*

dont you just love yourself to death?
i know i do cause im lovely.
my mirror brings me death.
i wanna cut that lovely face.

why cant i just be normal?
if a picture is worth a mlillion words.
than why is mine as if it were a wall.
when its a bunch of sluts getting all the love?

**

ill never be a perfect barbie doll.
but im not sure i wanna.
eventually i was dropped of the line.
for being too perfect.

**

nothing is perfect.
but like the earth
we made it imperfect
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
Last edited by matosh.lee at Oct 30, 2008,
#2
Quote by matosh.lee

Please, for future reference, check over the piece for grammar and spelling, capitalization etc. got on my nerves while reading this. /hypocrite

Picture Perfect
i wish i felt a million bucks
but ill never be up to par.
its hard to try my luck
when perfection is the bar.
Good Beginning, taking an age old idea and putting a new spin on it. the second line drops back into the expected though. if this was a piece of prose, i wouldn't like the following two lines, but in a song format i guess they would work. i don't really like the last line, rhyme and rhythm seem forced. maybe rework perfection and bar into something more exciting.

they say nobody's perfect...
and imperfection makes perfection.
i wish i could believe their lies.
but if thats so, then i must be Jesus.
Good new ideas here, but the flow feels very interrupted. (a comma on the last line instead of a full stop would start the battle here.) the third line is cliche, filler, and annoying to the flow of the idea. i think maybe here you could get rid of the 3rd line, and put another line on the end elaborating on the "i am jesus" idea. just a suggestion.

*its the perfect system
for imperfect people.
we all wish we could be picture perfect
but its hard when the cameras broken.*
i like this verse, but the repetition of perfection/perfect has now got old, and it seems you are "beating a dead horse" here. both verses are good, but one after the other in the same song is a no. take one out.


dont you just love yourself to death?
i know i do cause im lovely.
my mirror brings me death.
i wanna cut that lovely face.
Interesting. but it has kinda ruined the happier edge the song had.


why cant i just be normal?
if a picture is worth a million words.
than why is mine as if it were a wall.
when its a bunch of sluts getting all the love?
dont understand this one at all. the flow is all wrong and the ideas blocked. maybe if you do what i said at the begginning about re-reading it, correcting, then maybe il get at something here. but all i have right now is 4 incoherent lines.

**

ill never be a perfect barbie doll.
but im not sure i wanna.
eventually i was dropped of the line.
for being too perfect.
the last line just felt too short here. not much more to say on this one sorry.

**

nothing is perfect.
but like the earth
we made it imperfect
this was your chance to leave a big last concluding message, but it felt like a let down here. it feels like a strung on verse again about perfection and imperfection.


lots of potential here, but ruined slightly by the repetition of perfect/imperfect. those words really got on my nerves by the end.





C4c? link in sig, "what'll it be"
#3
Quote by ginjaninja
C4c? link in sig, "what'll it be"


thanks. i think i can work on this. grammaer i cant really help while on my phone. i figured out some of this stff when retyping it. i will edt it until i get it down. thanks alot. crit yours when i get home.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing