#1
Shattered Heart Shaped tears,
Like Your Bright blue Eyes,
But I can still see through,
All your broken lies,
But still every time,
Your heart touches mine,
I still wanna stay here,
I want you to be mine.


It looks like you come from heaven,
But your heart is from hell,
So please,
Just Bury me,
Inside your heart,
We can go to hell,
We can go back,
Back to the start,


Our Love is fading,
just like my silhouettes,
Bright lights wake the dead,
But the Dark Shadows wont Cure,
The Silence in your head
So I keep screaming,
Asking for love,
Hoping For Redeption.


Shatterd Heart Shaped tears,
Like Your Bright blue Eyes,
But I can still see through,
all your broken lies,
The screaming goes on and on,
Like the silence in my head.


C4c
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
Last edited by Mr Maggot at Nov 2, 2008,
#2
Quote by Mr Maggot
Shattered Heart Shaped tears,
Like Your Bright blue Eyes,
But I can still see through,
all your broken lies,
But Still Every time,
your heart Touches Mine,
I still wanna stay here,
I want you to be mine.


*looks like you came from heaven,
But your heart is from hell,
So please,
Just Bury me,
Inside your heart,
We can go to hell,
We can go back,
Way Back to the start,


Our Love is fading,
just like my silhouettes,
Bright lights wake the dead,
But the Dark Shadows will not Cure,
The Silence in your head
So I keep screaming,
Asking for love,
Hoping For Redeption.


Shatterd Heart Shaped tears,
Like Your Bright blue Eyes,
But I can still see through,
all your broken lies,
The screaming goes on and on,
Like the silence in my head.


Ok, what i see is nice mate. I personally would have changed the order slightly, just because some lines didn't seem to flow. i've put them in red what i would have done differently.

Anyway, when I find the song I wrote, I'll stick it up here and hopefully get some crit.
#4
There's nothing i can really fault you on unfortunately i guess...
I really do like it.
#5
Lol thanks for the positive Crit

This Is about the 7th peice ive wrote so im still fairly new.
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#7
Im not sure? i might do it acoustic or i might to it punky/Alternitive Im not sure yet.
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#8
Don't take this harshly; it's nothing personal
This is filled with many cliches. There are a few lines that are lovely and unique and then rest sounds like something I've heard before masked with more images to have less effect. Focus more on the feeling and less on making something clever or interesting. I'm glad it's interesting, yeah, but it didn't mean anything to me when I read it because I'm so distracted by the language to be able to empathize with the narrator. I do like what you're going for, and some of the images are, well, cool. Take the images you've created and use them to enhance the subtance of the emotion trying to be conveyed rather than the other way around.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja