#1
Dull, dull the thump of
callous wooden boxes beat,
ringed with morbid age and
a spoilt inheritance.

Deeper, down and dull
the deathly thump bubbles up
and burns out in blackened
matchsticks, sparked out,
dead as a log on the forest floor.

And then the fear - taller trees
both up and across the crests
have fallen further, burnt harder,
more darkly dealt in swipes of
axes, nicks and slices; what chance
has this young sprout to branch
and hold out strong, welcoming arms?

A liittle water - no, a little sunlight,
the wish to let it cascade slowly simmers.
Underneath this canopy shade lies rot
and gutted hollows, scar and bone.
Divorced from the network of roots
they swelled dry and slowly they
drooped and dropped down to the ground,
dead.

So dull, dull comes the inevitable thump
of blame, confusion, fear. Deal in
deathly books and read what's here;
note only the darkness, and forget
that maybe all's not lost forever,
save death's endeavour.


Read and walk on.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Oct 30, 2008,
#4
Usually, when I open a thread, I read the first few lines and decide whether I'm going to read the rest (I have a similar, unfortunate tendency in bookstores), my right ring finger on the 'delete' button, ready to go back to the forum corridor. I almost hit that after the first few lines, but I didn't, for some reason. After a good read through, I'm quite glad I didn't. The tense changes, however obvious the inconsistency, didn't bother me that much. I did have a few issues, though, and I'd like to bring those up.

'spoilt inheritance' simply murders the great flow of the first stanza. There you are, bumping along like an early 90's rap beat, and then take off in a little VW Rabbit with the bumper and muffler crashing on the pavement. I'm left wondering 'what in the hell...?'

then it bumps along quite nicely for sometime, with a hook up or two, just enough to keep it unique, and then this comes along

So dull, dull comes the inevitable thump
of blame, confusion, fear. Deal in
deathly books and read what's here;

now, I was going to tear this apart because the first time I read it, I thought it was another piece of a car that isn't supposed to be touching the asphalt more often than the tires. However, I was also making the mistake of not reading it aloud, something I most often do, and BOOM, there it was. inevitable thump of blame. confusion, fear. deal in deathly books - and read what's here. jesus, man, that's beautiful. I love it.

Third stanza also stands out as a beacon, I really like it. Nature makes a great subject, doesn't she? Good stuff.
#5
Jamie, I missed you. And I know you missed me. Let's run at opposite ends of an open field and embrace each other with open arms. Alright, enough of that, mate. Onto the crit...
There's just something about the first line that I don't like. For some reason the repetition of the word "dull" tells me brain that this piece is going to be dull. Not a good first impression. Also I'm not sure if "wooden" is needed. Callous boxes sounds nice, but callous wooden boxes is bit too much to say. (Yes I'm very picky w/ flow). Also in the second stanza I'm not sure if "bubbles" is the right word. It just reminds me of boiling water. Maybe "rises" instead. Alright I like the third and foruth stanzas alot and I liked the imagery. However, I think it would be better if you presented it in first person (from the viewpoint of the tree). It makes it a little more personal. As it stands now it kind feels too much like an old time radio show. (Tune in next for the chilling conclusion!) In the last stanza I think you could drop the last line. It reads like too much of an afterthought.Also not sure about the phrase "deathly books". What the hell is that. Anyways, despite the "flaws" I picked up on, I enjoyed reading this, its nice to read something from you.

Crit mine please
Sweet as a Lamb
#6
I thought the repeated dulls and Ds in general added a mesmeric quality that was incredibly pleasing and gave the whole peace.. almost a drum beat. The rhythm would have kept me reading no matter what the words were.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#7
yes yes the trees the trees

This is good. I likes ittt.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
I think Stuart hit the nail on the head, as far as my feelings about this one:
Quote by meh!
I thought the repeated dulls and Ds in general added a mesmeric quality that was incredibly pleasing and gave the whole peace.. almost a drum beat. The rhythm would have kept me reading no matter what the words were.
I read this aloud in my deepest voice. I felt like James Earl Jones.


The alliteration and sonics in general are glorious.
I thought the last line of S1 felt short, but other than that, it felt gooooooooood.
Meadows
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