#1
this is my first song that I have written the lyrics for, and it's honestly not that great, but I want to hear feedback about it so i would appreciate some helpful critisizism and maybe a few things you liked thanks
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I don't know what to think about you anymore
You're definatley not who you use dto be
You're kissing random guys, holding true to your lies
Until you start to die inside
I tried to help you once trust dies with your lust
Until I'm slowly wishing you away
Just go, yeah I'm talkin' about the girl I used to know

You called me the other day, I didn't answer
You woulda told me about that bastard
How he won, and I'm a loser
How he choked, and now you're sorry
I don't care what you say anymore
It's not like I thought it would last
You can just kiss my ass because I don't want to do this again

The time is gone
Yeah, you were wrong
You still won't even admit it
It was fun, and now it's done
Please don't call me anymore
Yeah go, you're just the girl I used to know

Why do you cry when I say?
Why do you cry when I say?
Why did you cry when I said?

We were young it's been too long
I don't even know you anymore
You tried to say, but I said no way
because I don't ever want to do this again

The time is gone
Yeah, you were wrong
Why do you cry when I say?
It was fun, and now it's done
Why do you cry when I say?
Please don't call me anymore
Just please don't call me anymore

It was fun when we were young
Nothing really mattered anyway
Now it's gone, goodbye so long

Come on,
You're just the girl I used to know
#2
Theres nothing wrong with these lyrics I think their pretty good. It needs a little work but you should probably decide what style of song you think this should be before you to much more. Do you reckon it should be punk rock? or maybe a slow sad sort of song? In my opinion I think it would work well as a slow sort of song but in the end its up to you.
#4
the only thing i would change really is the structure. like right now its set up verse verse chorus interlude chorus outro.

maybe switch it to be verse chorus verse interlude chorus outro. or something so the two verses arent right at the beginning.
#5
I agree, a slow punk rock song would suit it. Changing the structure to something more typical like verse chorus verse etc. would also help for people to get into it...if youre planning to perform the song that is of course. If its just for you then its great as it is. Have you got any music to go with it? Like a guitar riff or drumbeat?
#6
yeah i got a good intro riff and a verse and chorus written for guitar im working on the interlude and then addinga twist to the final chorus right now
#7
Quote by zchavez09



I don't know what to think about you anymore
You're definitely not who you use to be
You're kissing random guys, holding true to your lies
Until you start to die inside
I tried to help you once trust dies with your lust
Until I'm slowly wishing you away
Just go, yeah I'm talkin' about the girl I used to know
good, i like it. one point. some points:
"until you start to die inside" is my least favourite line. its cliched, overused, and you have proved you can write better. it doesnt help that inside is a half rhyme to lie(s). ruined the structure of inside rhymes (guys, lies, newline: inside). rework that line, or even better, replace it. apart from that, very good. sounds like the start of a well told story. sounds like something i would listen to. (I love inside-line rhymes)



You called me the other day, I didn't answer
You woulda told me about that bastard
How he won, and I'm a loser
How he choked, and now you're sorry
I don't care what you say anymore
It's not like I thought it would last
You can just kiss my ass because I don't want to do this again
again, good story. the lines are shorter, and the structure is different to the first verse. threw me off a little bit but now im fine. i miss the inside-line rhymes, but i assume they would have got old and cliche very soon anyway. the last line seems very tied on, forced. i dont like it. its a lot longer than the previous. and "kiss my ass" just made me cringe. i say you should change that bit, and put an extra line break in the middle somewhere.

The time is gone
Yeah, you were wrong
You still won't even admit it
It was fun, and now it's done
Please don't call me anymore
Yeah go, you're just the girl I used to know
good, simple, i liked it. the in-line rhyme is back, hooray for me! it flows well.


Why do you cry when I say?
Why do you cry when I say?
Why did you cry when I said?
dont put question marks at the end of these. totally wrong use, unless you are trying to say that this girl cries when you tell her to. a colon would be better, but probably not necessary to be written.

We were young, it's been too long
I don't even know you anymore
You tried to say, but I said no way
because I don't ever want to do this again
comma between young and it's in first line. in the third line, the rhyme is very very cheesy, change it please.

The time is gone
Yeah, you were wrong
Why do you cry when I say?
It was fun, and now it's done
Why do you cry when I say?
Please don't call me anymore
Just please don't call me anymore
again, colons not question marks. repetition didn't really work here, but ill let it slide because with music it probably would.
i feel two conflicting emotions in the writing here, one being kind of frantic (repetition of "why did you...", and kind of reclusive, sad ("just please..."). decice on one, (i suggest the frantic one, as the rest of the song is pretty slow) and re write the appropriate line(s).


It was fun, when we were young
Nothing really mattered anyway
Now it's gone, goodbye, so long
comma between fun and when, goodbye and so. i think another line should be added at the end, to create the structure of:
rhyme comma rhyme
line
rhyme comma ryhme
line.


Come on,
You're just the girl I used to know

this ending will probably work with the music.


i agree with the comments on structure, make it more typical verse chorus verse for punk.


C4C, line in sig, "whatll it be?"
#8
Hey thanks for the crit on my piece.
These are pretty good for being your first, also they would fit well with a punk song. The thing i suggest is, refrain from being really forward about things. Like "She is kissing random guys" kind of feels odd.
this one is for you.
#9
thank you ginjaninja that was exactly what i wanted to heard thank you and i will change all of my mistakes